The official website of Melvin L. Clermont since 2005.

My experience at JD Lawrence’s ‘The Clean Up Woman’ in the Bob Carr Performing Arts Center on 2/21/2010.

kow626 — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 23:39:44 -0500

I’d been wanting to do a black play for a long time now but the opportunity just never presented itself till now. I saw an ad for this on tv (otherwise I wouldn’t have known jack shit about it) and since then, I knew I was going. I let people know, no one was interested, so I went by myself. After seeing the ad, I went online to peep tix but since I was going alone, I wanted decent seats and there were plenty online for the right price, just not where I wanted to sit. I called Ticketmaster by phone and talked to some dumb jit but he got me exactly what I wanted: front row, balcony, middle. Couldn’t make out the characters faces on stage all that well and the audio was absolutely terrible, but other than those, I got no real complaints. And when I say the audio sucked ass, I mean it sucked freshly shitted unwiped ASS! Not sure if the people sitting in the orchestra could hear better but either that old ass building has to install more and better speakers or the mic volume on the actors wasn’t anywhere near loud enough.

I opted for the Sunday afternoon show so I could have my night open to do other shit. Since it was a reserved seat, I wasn’t in no rush to get there early but ain’t wanna arrive all late and shit either. Parking could have been a real bitch since there was also a Magic game going on at the same time as the play. Streets was closed and shit. The spots I wanted was all filled up. I wasn’t trying to pay no 10 bucks for no fucking parking spot. I creeped up into the Salvation Army parking lot and got damn lucky there was one good spot available. When I got out, I looked at other people’s cars to check for any type of stickers to see if it was necessary so I wouldn’t get my shit towed. Some cars did, some didn’t.

I asked a cat that was hovering around if I had to pay to park. He said yes. Turns out he was the parking attendant. Told his ass straight up I ain’t have but 2 bucks on me. Pulled out my wallet and opened it up to prove it so he ain’t think I was trying to fuck him over. He asked if I was there for the Magic game. I said nope, I was there for the play. He said parking was 10 bucks and I asked if there was an ATM around. He said no and he’d go ahead and take my 2 bucks for payment. I asked him if that was cool and he said yeah and that he’d still be there when I got back so I wouldn’t have to worry about being towed. I pulled out my ticket to show him that I wasn’t shitting him when I told him I was there for the play. I said thanks, shook his hand, and hoofed it to the Bob Carr which was only about 3 blocks away. So I came out good.

That cat was an older black guy. May have even stayed at the Salvation Army cuz I’ll bet a grip they be pimpin’ their open parking spots for special events. Even still, you gotta know how to talk to people and I got the gift of gab. You don’t wanna pay full price for some shit in cash? Learn how to negotiate and NEVER give the impression you got all the cash on you. Visual proof helps. Same way I pulled out my wallet and showed ol’ boy I ain’t have no extra cash, that’s how you do it. Lucky for me, I really didn’t have no extra dough but a trick is to hide your bread elsewhere on your person. How they gonna know you got 50 bucks hidden in your socks? And when it comes to parking, the further away from the place it is, the price goes down until it eventually becomes free. If you don’t mind a little walking, which I definitely don’t when I keep in mind my pocketbook don’t take a hit, you’ll very rarely have to pay to park anywhere. You can use that parking fee for the overpriced food inside. Even in that case, eat before you go. I brought some turkey and pasta salad from Target that hit the spot and ate it while I walked.

I wasn’t overly dressed cuz I just wanted to enjoy the show and leave. Was expecting it to last no more than an hour and a half but I was uninitiated and ain’t realize this shit was gonna last 3 damn hours with intermission. But it didn’t drag at all. I ain’t get dressed like nathan special but damn near all these other black motherfuckers was dressed up like they was going to church and shit. Like Ice Cube be sayin’, it looked like a fucking fashion show. Just cuz peeps was dressed right don’t mean they was acting right. More on that later. I guess one chick outside got stood up cuz she asked me if I already had a ticket. Nothing sucks worse than being stuck with the bill on something unused. I don’t play that shit nomore. Done got stiffed too many times by too many people. Your reliability and commitment to me got to be iron fucking clad for me to include you in anything. That’s just the way it’s gotta be these days.

The line when I went in wasn’t bad at all. Was a breeze to get in, I hit the tiny ass bathroom (but it was clean), then made my way to my seat. The line getting to it was longer than the one getting in the joint in the first place. For joints like this, there’s a reason I say eat first. The best they got for food is cinnamon flavored pecans. There’s water fountains scarcely placed but if you’re thirsty, the bar area seems to be the main attraction. I know most people that drink are closet alcoholics and don’t know how to have fun without drinking but damn. Alcohol is recession-proof but if a nigger hungry, some fucking pecans ain’t gonna get the job done. A nigger need some meat, not fiber! White people drink they life away. Black people want some grub and hundreds of them were here. I guess whoever ran concessions ain’t realize that and lost out on some big cheese.

Speaking of meat, I hate to shit on my black bitches but ya’ll motherfuckers need to lose some damn weight. It was the very first thing I noticed when I walked up and into the joint. I was expecting to see some super fine honeys and there were some but the fat bitches outnumbered the hell out of them. It was kinda embarrassing actually. The whole damn world be talkin’ bout the plight of the American black woman, even Russia where niggers don’t even exist! Well shit, after what the fuck I just saw, no wonder ya’ll bitches can’t attract the right type of man. Chubby chasers are VERY limited in numbers. There were some guys here too, tagging along with their girls but it was about 95% or better the number of chicks at this play and I’d say about 80-90% of them were overweight. Now that’s just some fucked up shit. And you know me, I don’t be pullin’ no punches. I’ma tell you straight up the real deal. Young and old, there was a good mix of chicks but shit, man, I’ll bet some of these bitches coulda auditioned for the role of Precious and had a shot at the lead.

Being single, I do some things by myself to meet new people too. What that really means is, if I’m lucky enough to find a good chick, I’m all for it. After seeing all that tonnage, I wasn’t too enthused about my chances of pulling anything this day. I don’t date fat chicks. Friends, sure. Romance, never. Call themselves BBW all they want, fat equals unhealthy and, in most cases, low self esteem. I ain’t dealing with it unless it’s friendship only or a hit and run. I got not one single problem fucking a fat girl. Had plenty in my time and as long as I’m still single, they’re still fair game. But no kind of exclusive, committed relationship will ever come of it.

On the way up the stairs, I peeped outside the window and the line was long as fuck. Shoulda snapped a pic of that shit but too late now. They do yell at you from the time you walk in to the time you sit your ass down that you need to turn your cell phones off. Like motherfuckers paid attention. Yeah right. It was nice and warm outside and the air temp inside was just as cozy. Found my seat with no problems. I was sitting right next to another guy to my right and 3 empty seats to my left. Woulda moved to that middle seat but a chick came and occupied one of them. Scratch that.

The appeal is clearly to generation x and older as there is a dj pumping out r&b jams from back in the day before the show starts. Place got full pretty quick. The show starts and as mentioned before, the audio is just so low that you can’t make a sound if you wanna clearly hear what the fuck the actors are saying. There’s only 3 sets: a news room, a taxi garage, and a living room. All of them are on a circular swivel platform. There’s a live band in front of the stage. Just drums, keyboard, and bass from the looks of it. From my view in the balcony, you can see their entrance/exit below the stage. Don’t know why they ain’t have a door for that shit or turned the light off cuz it was a bit distracting, especially when cats was walking out of and on to the band area. Only happened once though.

I should be singing the praises of the black actresses but FURK DAT! That white bitch was on point. Ain’t had no titties worth a god damn but everything else looked the way it should. There was some singing throughout. Nice to hear and see Christopher Williams again after decades. All the old timers still looked good for their age. Lots of inside jokes too. They even shit on Tiger Woods during one segment. There’s a gay character named Orlando who got a mock phone call from him about a booty call. That shit was just wrong as fuck. There’s crowd interaction too. JD Lawrence plays many characters and pulls them all off. The humor was good and laugh out loud funny and appealed to blacks. Not too much sounded forced or fake although I think the lead black actress was a bit too preachy and stereotypical. They spoke ebonics and black vernacular that damn near everyone in the audience could relate to and that was the appeal for me. Since this was my very first play, I wanted a sense of authenticity and I know Broadway type shit just wouldn’t be able to deliver it.

Apparently having the profession of being a stamp collector is code for a guy who eats pussy if you catch my drift. Can’t have a play with black women in it if they ain’t complaining about a down low brother, now can you? Guys, bitches are all out there with their bisexuality. Just drop that veil and put your shit out there. If you’re bisexual, then just be that and express it upfront. Own that shit. The longer you faggot motherfuckers drag this closet shit out, the worse it gets for you. Bitches are free, open, and happy about theirs. Fuck that macho shit. If anyone judges you, fuck ‘em. Why do you give a shit what a stranger thinks? As long as you ain’t all flamboyant like them superflamers and throwing that shit all up in people face, you ain’t got nothin’ to worry about.

During intermission, the dj was jamming with some old school and people was dancing and shit like it really was a party going on up in there. Niggers know how to do that shit. They know how to have their phones out and ringers on during the play too. They also know how to talk at the characters on stage. Notice I said talk AT. Like, if they want a character to do something, they’ll verbalize it. Or they’ll sympathize with a character and do the same. “Slap her,” or “You can have me,” and shit along those lines. Wasn’t just the ladies doing that shit. A guy a few seats down from me yelled at the stage. What the fuck is this, a New York movie theater circa the 1990’s? There is that interaction between the actors and audience so it’s not too distracting. I’ll bet crackers don’t do that shit for their plays. No wonder they be trying to keep us out of shit.

At the end of the play when everyone came out to get their final applause, JD explained why he was limping and walking with a cane for his characters in most of the play. Fool said he jumped offstage for a previous gig and hurt himself. Big ass motherfucker, you ain’t think that was gonna happen? There was teasing about a part 2 for the play and then he hocked his next book but by then, people were already damn near out the door cuz everyone already got their applause. Gonna have to time your shit better next time there, buddy.

Other than some nuances in the audience (which were totally expected), the bottom stage door, and the audio, I got no complaints. I liked it. I had a good time. Nobody farted (if they served food like I suggested then this wouldn’t be the case), there was decent leg and foot room, and the seats were fairly comfy. This experience was more than I was expecting. It wasn’t one of those plays where you just sit back and watch. You’re engaged, you’re a part of it in some places, and you’re never bored before and during. I love my niggers, man. I really do. Getting out was a pain in the ass. Not that there was a mad rush of people trying to get out all at once. It was that they were walking and moving like a fucking herd of cattle. Took longer to get the fuck out than it did to get in when more people were in front of me. I mean, god damn, high heels, big ass titties, and an expanding waistline for more than half of these motherfuckers didn’t help none. Shit was ridiculous.

I’m just glad I was parked where I was cuz I got in my shit and bounced onto I4 with no traffic. Took a look at them people who paid the big bucks to park in the garages and real close to the auditorium, shit, traffic wasn’t even moving. Damn fools wasting their time, money, and putting unnecessary wear and tear on their car cuz the traffic lights ain’t timed in their favor. Fuck all that bullshit. Would I do another JD play? Hell yeah, without question if the appeal is there. Whatever else he got planned, it ain’t gotta be Clean Up Woman 2 if that ever comes to fruition. I’d like to see more of his work. If not him, then someone with similar humor and appeal. I give the entire experience 7 out of 10 stars. It was a good day and a good play. I went home alone but that’s fine by me for obvious reasons.

My experience volunteering at the Orlando Veteran’s Affairs Medical Center with Hands On Orlando on 2/13/2010.

kow626 — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 12:23:58 -0500

That’s me over on the left. I like how me and that cat on the right bookend this pic. I ain’t bother to ask nobody to come with me on this day. Why? Let’s start from the beginning…

I’m signed up to get newsletters and updates via email from Disney. They sent me something about that give-a-day, get-a-disney-day promotion where if you sign up to volunteer from opportunities listed on their website, you get a free one-day admission voucher (emailed to you after you volunteer) to any of the main Disney theme parks, Florida or Cali, you could donate your admission to a charity, or exchange it for a FASTPASS or an Ear Hat figurine. I already have a Disney World pass so I’m covered there. Don’t give a damn about a figurine. So my options are to use the FASTPASS here when I go or take a trip to Disneyland. Probably the California Adventure park. Gotta use the voucher by 12/15/2010 and it does have blackout dates. I got all year to make up my mind. Charity? Nah, that ain’t gonna happen. I know I’m gonna use it.

My reasons for volunteering are obvious. Free Disney pass 1st, give back to the community 2nd, meet new people 3rd. I originally signed up to volunteer in Clermont one morning handing out food and clothes and shit like that to needy and homeless people. Just so happens I had a date at this chick’s house not far from that city. We met online and got along decent but not perfectly over the phone and via text. I already knew she wasn’t dateable but she seemed like friend material at least since she was accomplished and ain’t come across as stupid. I asked her if she wanted to volunteer too and it was an enthusiastic yes. Spots were filling up quick since the time I signed up and by the time she got back with me (since she was working), all the spots were gone. I sent her the link via text but the fool didn’t know how to surf on her phone to check on occasion to see if spots came back open (which they could).

I emailed the lady in charge to see if any spots would fill back up or if she could make a spot come open. It was a no go. When I got to her place later that night, we checked on her computer and still no spots were open. So it was a done deal. I’d be volunteering solo. Wasn’t a big deal cuz where she lived wasn’t far away and we made plans for me to stay over. Turns out her head ain’t on Earth at all. It’s somewhere orbiting over by Neptune. She thinks she’s a psychic, believes in astrology and a mix of other religions, she’s an alcoholic, and she has a short temper amongst many other faults I won’t bother mentioning. It’d take up too much space. She was definitely hittable with humungous tits but I didn’t even bother trying to knock it. This chick was nuts. She cooked so we ate dinner (tasted good), watched a little tv, and I rolled the furk out. Simple hug goodbye and a thank you and that’s the last I seen or heard from her. Jeez, don’t you just hate when bitches misrepresent themselves? I think I’ve learned by now the importance of a face-to-face meeting when you date online. I guess I’m lucky no spots were available anymore to volunteer cuz it woulda been super awkward. Gotta love how destiny looks out for ya boy.

Ain’t like she lived close. That’s why I was gonna spend the night. But since that plan backfired miserably, that meant Clermont was gonna be a good drive to get to the next morning. So I cancelled that shit when I got home. Wasted enough time and gas on that bitch. But it ain’t like I still didn’t wanna contribute somewhere somehow. I checked the website over the next few weeks on occasion to see if anything close-by would pop open on a date that I was available. Nothing. Several actually did but it was on days that I had to work. I thought about taking the time off but opted out cuz I got bills to pay. Magically, an opportunity came open on a weekend day I had off, it was a simple task, short on time spent doing it, and reasonably close. So I went for it and got a spot when there was only one left.

Ain’t bother to ask nobody else if they wanted to do it with me cuz I already knew the answer. People these days only care about themselves. Very rarely do I meet anyone who’s selfless and willing to contribute back to society in some way with no expectation of gaining something tangible in return. If you gotta tell yourself you’re a good person, guess what? You’re not. It’s proven through actions. Having said that, would I have volunteered if not for the free Disney pass? Definitely not! The day before, it was cold, windy, and rainy. That Saturday morning at the VA center where I volunteered was the same except for the wind and rain. It was overcast and fucking freezing and the assignment was all outdoors. Miserable ass conditions and I knew it’d be that way but I still decided to go through with it. I’m a man of my word and since no one else was attached that could cause problems, I stuck to my end of the deal unlike last time. This is why I fly solo to shit a lot. I’m the only one I know who’s reliable enough to come through on their word. Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t lost faith in humanity at all but so far, that’s just my personal experience.

The VA med center is next to Baldwin Park on the east side of Orlando. Ironic that I was talking to another chick who lived there and during a phone convo about a week before, she said she ain’t think we were a match so communication stopped. Yep, met her online (after the other one). Yep, she misrepresented herself. Seems to be a pattern, huh? Even told me straight out that she’s shallow, judgmental, and impatient. Yeah, I think that’s definitely a mismatch for sure but I don’t pass judgment till I meet someone face-to-face unless they say or do something before that that causes me to ditch them. In her case, convo wasn’t bad at all. Her prob is that she put work before enjoying her personal life and she knows she needs to change but either isn’t willing to initiate it or doesn’t know how. I’ve met chicks like that. They just need to see things from another angle. Coulda helped but hey, she did say she’s impatient. She’ll work it out on her own someday.

Another chick bites the dust. And oh yeah, she was smokin’ hot too. That could be part of the problem with the women I’m attracting. They’re mostly white, accomplished (which is good), independent (which ain’t always good), no kids (I don’t date chicks with kids), and attractive. Like 8 or better attractive. Since I’m clearly still single as I write this, I realize I need to take a different approach. No, I never initiated contact with them. They all sought me out. In person though, I gotta feel some kind of connection if I’m gonna ask you out or get the digits to get to know you better. There was yet another white chick at the VA med center who was there alone and we sort of gravitated towards each other even though I did try to gravitate away. Due to my luck with white women, I opted not to get to know her beyond this volunteer effort. But here I am talking shit about not knowing selfless people and I just met one. And I realize now I was being hypocritical by excluding white chicks from my mix based on several bad experiences with them. I always preach that no one should apply the negative actions of a few onto an entire race or gender or whatever. It was after the fact that I saw the light and put my own words back into practice. So it’s quite possible that I let something good get away. But I can live with that. At least I learned my lesson from it. What’d she look like, you ask? She was on point. 3rd from the left on her knees in the pic.

Anyway, I rolled up in my car and met the Hands On Orlando group in the front of the center. Some cats were already prettying up the fountain. Our job was to tidy and pretty up 2 garden areas. They did provide gloves and tools. Me and ol’ girl took care of the cactus area and did a damn fine job. Even she’ll vouch for that. There was a mix of young and old volunteers there. Even the residents that could still walk and move helped out where they could. Like I said before, it was a simple task. I got a decent workout from lifting heavy ass 40lb bags of topsoil for a good hour. I ain’t mind since I’m all about exercise these days. Every little bit helps. Some people got down and dirty. Not me. I did my part but I wasn’t trying to be knee deep in dirt. FURK DAT! There was one bossy ass bitch but she was playing around. Got on my case cuz I stepped on some flowers while laying topsoil. What can I say, I gots big feets. And that’s exactly what I did say too.

After the two garden areas were done, we just had to clean up. I reeled out and reeled back in some hoses for other people to water the new plants. I picked up some litter that flew around the courtyard. There was a dog running around the whole time that was cute. It was there for therapeutic purposes for the residents. All the work was done fairly quick. Within a few hours I’d say and that’s cuz so many volunteers were there. The more the better, they said. That’s when we posed for that group shot and went inside to grub. They had junk food galore: hot dogs, hamburgers, chips, and baked beans. I passed by ol’ girl in line and she said it was nice to meet me. I didn’t fully understand what she said at the time cuz I was focused on the food so I just smiled and moved cuz I thought I was in her way since she was leaving without eating shit. It was later that I interpreted what she said and she probably thought I was a total dill cuz I ain’t say nothing back. My bad. If you’re reading this (which I seriously doubt), I legitimately didn’t understand what you said at the time. I’m an asshole but at the same time I’m not an asshole if that makes sense.

I got my fill of free food cuz I ain’t stupid. I don’t usually partake in that type of food often anymore but I can eat anything I want as long as I balance it out with healthy food. Them hot dogs was on point, I ain’t gonna front on that. I sat alone, surfed on my phone, finished eating, then bounced. I’ve seen that center many a time since I’ve lived here (I used to catch the city bus that stops up in there when I used to work up that way). Just never been inside or knew what was going on there. We did have to walk through the joint to get from one point to another. I saw some things I’d never seen before. I’m assuming this joint was an old folk’s home filled with seniors who can’t take care of themselves anymore and war veterans who are in the same boat. Some could still walk under their own power and were jubilant. Others were wheelchair bound and still jubilant. They just couldn’t walk anymore. But some that I saw made me see things in a different light. My possible future if I don’t take care of myself as best as I can now.

Some of them were just sad looking, tired, sleepy, slow, missing limbs, and attached to breathing apparatuses. One guy was missing both of his legs. I saw a short hallway full of geries in wheelchairs; lined up back to back against the wall facing me. All of them either blitzed or sleeping and they looked like zombies. Wish I coulda brought my cam in. Woulda made for a nice black and white photo but I ain’t wanna blatantly invade nobody’s privacy. While outside, a lady pulled up in a converted van to get a relative in a motorized wheelchair. Guy looked like he had so many things attached to him just to keep him alive. Then I thought about the lady and what she has to put with for the rest of her life dealing with that relative (or friend) till he dies. Ain’t like she was young. She was probably in her 50’s or getting close to it. Him too but he was in bad shape. It took them a good while to get him into that van. So much that a cop rolled up on her and told her to speed it up cuz she was blocking access. I can’t imagine the time involved in a situation like that but the things I saw that day put things further into perspective for myself and my lifestyle.

I had a job before where I was doing data entry and I had to process paperwork for nursing homes. A lot of it was complaints from residents and their family about their treatment by the nurses. It’s one thing to read those horror stories. It’s another thing to see the type of residents who’d be making those complaints. Not saying that I saw or heard of anyone being mistreated while I was at the center, but I got a better understanding of the basis of them. Maybe I’ll volunteer again in the future. Hell, definitely I’ll do it again but when it’s warm. This cold is a fucking bitch. When the day wrapped, I knew I was gonna take a walk around Lake Baldwin since it was so close. I drove around it first to see if there was a walking path and there was. Brought my ankle weights with 8lbs per leg in preparation. Not even a quarter of the way, I started feeling the burn but I motivated myself with a few relevant words, “There’s only one way to get back home.” Meaning if I wanted to get back to my car, I had to keep walking. It was a good 2.5 mile walk too. Damn sure felt the burn on that one when I took them weights off. And the irony continued. I had to basically pass through the whole neighborhood since it’s built around the lake. No doubt I passed by that chick’s house who said we weren’t a match. Oh well, I learned my life lessons for the day and did my part to give back to the world.

White chicks? Yeah, they’re back in my good graces. I know I need to change things for the better about myself when necessary to attract the right kind of woman cuz it’s never always just them. I play my part too. It’s all a work in progress. But psychic? C’mon now, I didn’t see it coming but she should have been able to, right?

My experience at the Snoop Dogg concert at the Hard Rock Live in Orlando, FL on 2/9/2010.

kow626 — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 20:07:54 -0500

I got a few tweets in:

1. @ da snoop concert in da hard rock now. more whites dan blacks here, as xpected. not lookin like a sellout so far. we'll c. still early.

2. hour n a fuckin half n snoop aint came out yet. so far, jus local djs n a cripple dancin in his wheelchair wavin a green towel around. HA?

3. gemstar n akiba performed. now dey showin da makin of 'malice n wonderland.' wut da FURK, snoop got lost? takin 2 long 4 dis shit. god damn!

4. alright god dammit! damn near midnite. dey jus announced snoop would b onstage 'momentarily.' crowd started booing! dont blame em @ all.

5. show finally damn started jus after midnite. kurupt on stage wit him. no apology of any kind, da fucker!!

6. 1 fuckin hour. no apology @ all. he killed it when he was performin his hits but it coulda been 30 mins longer if he got here on time.

Some of you motherfuckers may not believe me when I say it, but this was my very first official concert. Sure, I’ve seen cats perform plenty of times but never an artist on the level of Snoop, never at a major facility, never paid for a ticket till now. So this would be a first. My initiation. My breaking in point.

It was a Tuesday and raining like a fucking bitch literally all god damn day long non-stop. I originally planned on walking to Universal since it really ain’t that far away from my crib but the rain just killed that idea completely. My homeboy that I was going with picked me up at my house instead. I was watching Cheaters when he rolled up and wanted to finish the ep before we left. It was the season 10 ep where the old white chick hopped into one of the vans and rammed it into her cheating ass younger husband or bf. That shit was crazy. He compared it to an ep from a previous season where a cheating white guy knocked his gf out on camera. Fucking decked that bitch right in the grill. Now THAT shit was fucking crazy!

After that, we bounced out. He paid for the tix in advance online so we hit up an ATM so I could get the dough to pay him back what I owed for my ticket. Wasn’t about to pay Universal prices for food so he hit up a Wendy’s so I could get some grub for myself. We parked off property for free and hoofed it on over. He showed me a shortcut behind the street signs that I didn’t know existed where you can cut through the parking garage instead of walking out on the street which takes a lot longer. Mad props. Cats just don’t know how we get down with that FREE! Fuck paying for shit. Why should you when you don’t have to?

It was cold so I was hoodied and gloved out. Ain’t give too much of a damn about impressing nobody. My warmth and comfort comes first. We got up to the door around 7:30p. Line wasn’t that long but people had to go through a metal detector which was the cause of the line. Otherwise, when we walked inside, it was fairly empty. Looked more like a scene from a downtown club. Motherfuckers was laid all up against the wall all tired looking and shit. Smokin’ hot, wobbly ass drunk white bitch being escorted out with her bf before the concert even started. Just goes to show you that looks ain’t everything. She’s a loser for obvious reasons, I don’t give a fuck what she look like, and he’s a loser for keeping her. Buddy, it ain’t worth the hassle. You can do better. Trade down. Hot girls like that got too many issues as you found out this night. Probably not your first indicator either but if this was the first date, time to move on, pal.

We got seats in front of the stage in the balcony. No way were we standing up all night. He checked out the food which he knew the prices were gonna be high for so I don’t know why the idiot didn’t hit Wendy’s when we were there. Man, there were hot girls everywhere and a ton of dykes. When you see girls in two’s at a joint like this, you know where they’re coming from. Bitches these days is just all out there with their gayness. Guys on the other hand keep their shit in the closet. But I know faggots come in all varieties. Fellas, you see these bitches ain’t got no probs putting their biz all out on the street. If you’re gay, just come on out with it. Fuck what other people think. There’s more fags and so-called ‘down low’ motherfuckers out there than people think.

Show was supposed to start at 8p, right? Wrong! For 2 fucking hours it was just a dj and a hype man (don’t remember their names) boosting the crowd and bringing people up on stage for lame dance contests where the prize was…jack shit. Man, I was just surfing on my phone that whole time while listening to the music. A chick was next to me with her bf. Said the very first cd she ever bought was Doggystyle. Now that’s wussup. We even saw an old ass cat, probably pushin’ 50, who was there with his girl. We laughed but at the same time we said we wanna be in the same position he’s in when we get that old; still out enjoying ourselves. Ol’ girl and her bf were pretty much drinking all night long non-stop like practically everyone else in the joint. No one stayed seated for long. It was the same people back and forth down the aisle in front of us every time with a drink in hand. Them fucking crackers, man, they just gotta fucking drink. It’s without fail that when I go out and there’s white people, the vast majority of them are drinking. Not just a beer or two. We’re talking all night long. It’s just pathetic. I bet Hard Rock and their bartenders ain’t complaining though…

My homeboy got up to go get a bite since he ain’t buy nothing before and his hunger was taking over but the food joint downstairs was closed. Pissed him off cuz if there’s people present, why wouldn’t you have food available? Plenty of booze but no food? Fucking stupid. Cat sitting next to us said he heard that Snoop wasn’t coming out till 11p. I ain’t wanna believe it at first. Dj was still playing music. There was this cat onstage in a wheelchair who had a fro who was dancing to the music. Now, ol’ boy was gettin’ down but then he pulled out a green hand towel and started waving it around, putting it on his head, and shaking it like he was dancing with the damn thing. That shit had us in fucking stitches. He was up there enjoying and dancing to the music like everyone else (no idea who the hell he was) but we were cracking that the towel was his play toy as if he was a retard instead of just a cripple. It’s one of those things you just had to see to believe.

It was a little after 10p now, I’d say, and just when we think Snoop is coming out, they decided to show the making of Malice N Wonderland on the screens. Then a cat named Gemstar or some shit and Akiba (I’m probably spelling them both wrong) performed with some chick who I think they announced as Akiba’s wife (she looked aight from a distance). None of Gemstar’s shit was hittin’ but Akiba did perform ‘One Wish.’ I do like that song a lot so it was nice to hear it and see it being performed by the artist. The crowd wasn’t really all that into it cuz they were getting restless. Akiba passed out some of his cd’s for free when he was done. That’s how you do it. In this age of free, if you’re an artist, you gotta get your work out there any way you can. Half of those cd’s probably ended up left on the floor or in the trash though. Wonder if he went dumpster diving after to recoup any losses? CD’s cost money.

11p was coming up. I hadn’t moved from my seat in all that time. I was still just surfing and shooting the shit with my homeboy and ol’ girl sitting next to me with her guy. He ain’t seem to mind at all that she was all up on me and talking to me more than him. Now that’s what I call either a secure ass man or a bitch nigger (even though he was white). It was probably the alcohol but I’ll be damned if my girl gonna be all up on another motherfucker while I’m sitting right next to her. Talking to another guy just to shoot the shit, that’s fine. I could care less. But hugging all up on him, touching his legs and arms and shit, hell naw. Can’t allow it. He was cool with all of it so props to him but if he wasn’t there…you know how ya boy do. Ain’t gotta say nathan else. And they got a kid. She showed me all the pics on her phone and everything. Coulda easily put my number on that bitch or got hers but I passed. At this point in my life, I’m looking for more than just a fling. An alcoholic chick with a bf and a kid and a tramp stamp to boot? Nah, can’t do it.

Curtain was closed and now they were just playing music. These mofos actually played PYT by Michael Jackson and a slow ass Isley Brothers song amidst all that gangsta ass rap they was playing. Shit ain’t make not a shred of sense. Kill that dj! Between songs, the crowd was booing cuz it was getting damn near midnight and still no Snoop Dogg. Ol’ boy was right. Snoop is a late comer. Girl was getting upset. My homeboy was pissed cuz he had some pussy lined up for later that night and had to work the next morning just like I did. Girl asked me if I was mad. I said nope, was just disappointed. She ain’t believe me and cussed my ass saying ain’t no way nobody there couldn’t be beyond pissed. I let it slide cuz I knew she wasn’t serious. I ain’t the type to let shit out of my control get to me. Don’t need the stress. But if his ass ain’t show up by midnight, best god damn believe I’d be first in line for that refund. A FULL refund, Ticketmaster charges and all.

Emcee kept saying Snoop would be out shortly. Still no Snoop. Crowd still booing between songs. No movement on the stage. FINALLY, they announce his ass, the curtain raise, and he just starts performing right out the gate, not even acknowledging his lateness. 4 fucking hours late! Like people ain’t got other shit they gotta do? I figured we’d have been outta there by 10p. 11p at the latest. Got the furk outta that bitch damn near 1a! Shit was ridiculous, man. Kurupt and Soopafly was onstage with him. I ain’t believe it was Kurupt at first so me and my homeboy went down on the floor to get a closer look and it was him. I’d put his skills right on par with Snoop so that was a bonus for me as he did perform some songs too. We stayed on the floor for the remainder of the show. By the time his late ass came out, the place was decently full. Guess we’ll never know why he was really late but apparently it’s a pattern. Either way, he killed it when he was up there. If he woulda arrived on time, I think there coulda at least been 30 more minutes of show but he was only there for an hour. That’s bullshit considering the tix cost over 50 bucks!

He performed a lot of the classics and some new songs that were on point. The stage setup was so minimal that you wonder even more about the lateness. Little white kid was onstage with the dj. Sound quality was excellent, I’ll give the Hard Rock that much. Air temp was comfy too. Seats had plenty of leg and ass room and were cushioned. Our view from the top was unobstructed and when we went to the bottom, we were damn near right next to the stage. I ain’t get no pics or vid cuz my phone is an old piece of shit and it sucks.

Would I attend another Snoop concert? Hell no! All ya’ll know how I am with lateness and even Snoop ain’t immune to that policy. It was a good concert when he was doing his shit but I ain’t get my money’s worth and my time is valuable. I sat on my ass for 4 straight god damn hours with no food or water and only got 1 hour of the entertainment I paid for. Nope, that’s it for me and Snoopy. Still got love but unless the next concert is free, count me out. His parting words were to do three things when you wake up in the morning: be grateful you were able to wake up, brush your teeth, and smoke some weed. 2 of the 3 I can agree with. Now came the fucked up part: getting home safe with a bunch of drunk crackers behind the wheel. Cut off the alcohol, not the food. Damn capitalists.

What’s the most memorable moment of the night? Other than some chunky white dykey bitch who had her overfilled water balloon sized cleavage all propped out for the whole planet to see, it was that motherfucker in the wheelchair with his little green towel. Now that’s some fucked up shit that I remember him more than anything else this night. And yes, it was about 60% white people at the concert. But you probably knew that already, right? It’s what me and my homey expected and that’s what it was. Not that it matters much. Snoop ain’t hold back on the language either. And there were kids there too. Gotta love hip-hop culture. Corrupting crackers and the youth one verse at a time.