I’d been wanting to do a black play for a long time now but the opportunity just never presented itself till now. I saw an ad for this on tv (otherwise I wouldn’t have known jack shit about it) and since then, I knew I was going. I let people know, no one was interested, so I went by myself. After seeing the ad, I went online to peep tix but since I was going alone, I wanted decent seats and there were plenty online for the right price, just not where I wanted to sit. I called Ticketmaster by phone and talked to some dumb jit but he got me exactly what I wanted: front row, balcony, middle. Couldn’t make out the characters faces on stage all that well and the audio was absolutely terrible, but other than those, I got no real complaints. And when I say the audio sucked ass, I mean it sucked freshly shitted unwiped ASS! Not sure if the people sitting in the orchestra could hear better but either that old ass building has to install more and better speakers or the mic volume on the actors wasn’t anywhere near loud enough.

I opted for the Sunday afternoon show so I could have my night open to do other shit. Since it was a reserved seat, I wasn’t in no rush to get there early but ain’t wanna arrive all late and shit either. Parking could have been a real bitch since there was also a Magic game going on at the same time as the play. Streets was closed and shit. The spots I wanted was all filled up. I wasn’t trying to pay no 10 bucks for no fucking parking spot. I creeped up into the Salvation Army parking lot and got damn lucky there was one good spot available. When I got out, I looked at other people’s cars to check for any type of stickers to see if it was necessary so I wouldn’t get my shit towed. Some cars did, some didn’t.

I asked a cat that was hovering around if I had to pay to park. He said yes. Turns out he was the parking attendant. Told his ass straight up I ain’t have but 2 bucks on me. Pulled out my wallet and opened it up to prove it so he ain’t think I was trying to fuck him over. He asked if I was there for the Magic game. I said nope, I was there for the play. He said parking was 10 bucks and I asked if there was an ATM around. He said no and he’d go ahead and take my 2 bucks for payment. I asked him if that was cool and he said yeah and that he’d still be there when I got back so I wouldn’t have to worry about being towed. I pulled out my ticket to show him that I wasn’t shitting him when I told him I was there for the play. I said thanks, shook his hand, and hoofed it to the Bob Carr which was only about 3 blocks away. So I came out good.

That cat was an older black guy. May have even stayed at the Salvation Army cuz I’ll bet a grip they be pimpin’ their open parking spots for special events. Even still, you gotta know how to talk to people and I got the gift of gab. You don’t wanna pay full price for some shit in cash? Learn how to negotiate and NEVER give the impression you got all the cash on you. Visual proof helps. Same way I pulled out my wallet and showed ol’ boy I ain’t have no extra cash, that’s how you do it. Lucky for me, I really didn’t have no extra dough but a trick is to hide your bread elsewhere on your person. How they gonna know you got 50 bucks hidden in your socks? And when it comes to parking, the further away from the place it is, the price goes down until it eventually becomes free. If you don’t mind a little walking, which I definitely don’t when I keep in mind my pocketbook don’t take a hit, you’ll very rarely have to pay to park anywhere. You can use that parking fee for the overpriced food inside. Even in that case, eat before you go. I brought some turkey and pasta salad from Target that hit the spot and ate it while I walked.

I wasn’t overly dressed cuz I just wanted to enjoy the show and leave. Was expecting it to last no more than an hour and a half but I was uninitiated and ain’t realize this shit was gonna last 3 damn hours with intermission. But it didn’t drag at all. I ain’t get dressed like nathan special but damn near all these other black motherfuckers was dressed up like they was going to church and shit. Like Ice Cube be sayin’, it looked like a fucking fashion show. Just cuz peeps was dressed right don’t mean they was acting right. More on that later. I guess one chick outside got stood up cuz she asked me if I already had a ticket. Nothing sucks worse than being stuck with the bill on something unused. I don’t play that shit nomore. Done got stiffed too many times by too many people. Your reliability and commitment to me got to be iron fucking clad for me to include you in anything. That’s just the way it’s gotta be these days.

The line when I went in wasn’t bad at all. Was a breeze to get in, I hit the tiny ass bathroom (but it was clean), then made my way to my seat. The line getting to it was longer than the one getting in the joint in the first place. For joints like this, there’s a reason I say eat first. The best they got for food is cinnamon flavored pecans. There’s water fountains scarcely placed but if you’re thirsty, the bar area seems to be the main attraction. I know most people that drink are closet alcoholics and don’t know how to have fun without drinking but damn. Alcohol is recession-proof but if a nigger hungry, some fucking pecans ain’t gonna get the job done. A nigger need some meat, not fiber! White people drink they life away. Black people want some grub and hundreds of them were here. I guess whoever ran concessions ain’t realize that and lost out on some big cheese.

Speaking of meat, I hate to shit on my black bitches but ya’ll motherfuckers need to lose some damn weight. It was the very first thing I noticed when I walked up and into the joint. I was expecting to see some super fine honeys and there were some but the fat bitches outnumbered the hell out of them. It was kinda embarrassing actually. The whole damn world be talkin’ bout the plight of the American black woman, even Russia where niggers don’t even exist! Well shit, after what the fuck I just saw, no wonder ya’ll bitches can’t attract the right type of man. Chubby chasers are VERY limited in numbers. There were some guys here too, tagging along with their girls but it was about 95% or better the number of chicks at this play and I’d say about 80-90% of them were overweight. Now that’s just some fucked up shit. And you know me, I don’t be pullin’ no punches. I’ma tell you straight up the real deal. Young and old, there was a good mix of chicks but shit, man, I’ll bet some of these bitches coulda auditioned for the role of Precious and had a shot at the lead.

Being single, I do some things by myself to meet new people too. What that really means is, if I’m lucky enough to find a good chick, I’m all for it. After seeing all that tonnage, I wasn’t too enthused about my chances of pulling anything this day. I don’t date fat chicks. Friends, sure. Romance, never. Call themselves BBW all they want, fat equals unhealthy and, in most cases, low self esteem. I ain’t dealing with it unless it’s friendship only or a hit and run. I got not one single problem fucking a fat girl. Had plenty in my time and as long as I’m still single, they’re still fair game. But no kind of exclusive, committed relationship will ever come of it.

On the way up the stairs, I peeped outside the window and the line was long as fuck. Shoulda snapped a pic of that shit but too late now. They do yell at you from the time you  walk in to the time you sit your ass down that you need to turn your cell phones off. Like motherfuckers paid attention. Yeah right. It was nice and warm outside and the air temp inside was just as cozy. Found my seat with no problems. I was sitting right next to another guy to my right and 3 empty seats to my left. Woulda moved to that middle seat but a chick came and occupied one of them. Scratch that.

The appeal is clearly to generation x and older as there is a dj pumping out r&b jams from back in the day before the show starts. Place got full pretty quick. The show starts and as mentioned before, the audio is just so low that you can’t make a sound if you wanna clearly hear what the fuck the actors are saying. There’s only 3 sets: a news room, a taxi garage, and a living room. All of them are on a circular swivel platform. There’s a live band in front of the stage. Just drums, keyboard, and bass from the looks of it. From my view in the balcony, you can see their entrance/exit below the stage. Don’t know why they ain’t have a door for that shit or turned the light off cuz it was a bit distracting, especially when cats was walking out of and on to the band area. Only happened once though.

I should be singing the praises of the black actresses but FURK DAT! That white bitch was on point. Ain’t had no titties worth a god damn but everything else looked the way it should. There was some singing throughout. Nice to hear and see Christopher Williams again after decades. All the old timers still looked good for their age. Lots of inside jokes too. They even shit on Tiger Woods during one segment. There’s a gay character named Orlando who got a mock phone call from him about a booty call. That shit was just wrong as fuck. There’s crowd interaction too. JD Lawrence plays many characters and pulls them all off. The humor was good and laugh out loud funny and appealed to blacks. Not too much sounded forced or fake although I think the lead black actress was a bit too preachy and stereotypical. They spoke ebonics and black vernacular that damn near everyone in the audience could relate to and that was the appeal for me. Since this was my very first play, I wanted a sense of authenticity and I know Broadway type shit just wouldn’t be able to deliver it.

Apparently having the profession of being a stamp collector is code for a guy who eats pussy if you catch my drift. Can’t have a play with black women in it if they ain’t complaining about a down low brother, now can you? Guys, bitches are all out there with their bisexuality. Just drop that veil and put your shit out there. If you’re bisexual, then just be that and express it upfront. Own that shit. The longer you faggot motherfuckers drag this closet shit out, the worse it gets for you. Bitches are free, open, and happy about theirs. Fuck that macho shit. If anyone judges you, fuck ‘em. Why do you give a shit what a stranger thinks? As long as you ain’t all flamboyant like them superflamers and throwing that shit all up in people face, you ain’t got nothin’ to worry about.

During intermission, the dj was jamming with some old school and people was dancing and shit like it really was a party going on up in there. Niggers know how to do that shit. They know how to have their phones out and ringers on during the play too. They also know how to talk at the characters on stage. Notice I said talk AT. Like, if they want a character to do something, they’ll verbalize it. Or they’ll sympathize with a character and do the same. “Slap her,” or “You can have me,” and shit along those lines. Wasn’t just the ladies doing that shit. A guy a few seats down from me yelled at the stage. What the fuck is this, a New York movie theater circa the 1990’s? There is that interaction between the actors and audience so it’s not too distracting. I’ll bet crackers don’t do that shit for their plays. No wonder they be trying to keep us out of shit.

At the end of the play when everyone came out to get their final applause, JD explained why he was limping and walking with a cane for his characters in most of the play. Fool said he jumped offstage for a previous gig and hurt himself. Big ass motherfucker, you ain’t think that was gonna happen? There was teasing about a part 2 for the play and then he hocked his next book but by then, people were already damn near out the door cuz everyone already got their applause. Gonna have to time your shit better next time there, buddy.

Other than some nuances in the audience (which were totally expected), the bottom stage door, and the audio, I got no complaints. I liked it. I had a good time. Nobody farted (if they served food like I suggested then this wouldn’t be the case), there was decent leg and foot room, and the seats were fairly comfy. This experience was more than I was expecting. It wasn’t one of those plays where you just sit back and watch. You’re engaged, you’re a part of it in some places, and you’re never bored before and during. I love my niggers, man. I really do. Getting out was a pain in the ass. Not that there was a mad rush of people trying to get out all at once. It was that they were walking and moving like a fucking herd of cattle. Took longer to get the fuck out than it did to get in when more people were in front of me. I mean, god damn, high heels, big ass titties, and an expanding waistline for more than half of these motherfuckers didn’t help none. Shit was ridiculous.

I’m just glad I was parked where I was cuz I got in my shit and bounced onto I4 with no traffic. Took a look at them people who paid the big bucks to park in the garages and real close to the auditorium, shit, traffic wasn’t even moving. Damn fools wasting their time, money, and putting unnecessary wear and tear on their car cuz the traffic lights ain’t timed in their favor. Fuck all that bullshit. Would I do another JD play? Hell yeah, without question if the appeal is there. Whatever else he got planned, it ain’t gotta be Clean Up Woman 2 if that ever comes to fruition. I’d like to see more of his work. If not him, then someone with similar humor and appeal. I give the entire experience 7 out of 10 stars. It was a good day and a good play. I went home alone but that’s fine by me for obvious reasons.

That’s me over on the left. I like how me and that cat on the right bookend this pic. I ain’t bother to ask nobody to come with me on this day. Why? Let’s start from the beginning…

I’m signed up to get newsletters and updates via email from Disney. They sent me something about that give-a-day, get-a-disney-day promotion where if you sign up to volunteer from opportunities listed on their website, you get a free one-day admission voucher (emailed to you after you volunteer) to any of the main Disney theme parks, Florida or Cali, you could donate your admission to a charity, or exchange it for a FASTPASS or an Ear Hat figurine. I already have a Disney World pass so I’m covered there. Don’t give a damn about a figurine. So my options are to use the FASTPASS here when I go or take a trip to Disneyland. Probably the California Adventure park. Gotta use the voucher by 12/15/2010 and it does have blackout dates. I got all year to make up my mind. Charity? Nah, that ain’t gonna happen. I know I’m gonna use it.

My reasons for volunteering are obvious. Free Disney pass 1st, give back to the community 2nd, meet new people 3rd. I originally signed up to volunteer in Clermont one morning handing out food and clothes and shit like that to needy and homeless people. Just so happens I had a date at this chick’s house not far from that city. We met online and got along decent but not perfectly over the phone and via text. I already knew she wasn’t dateable but she seemed like friend material at least since she was accomplished and ain’t come across as stupid. I asked her if she wanted to volunteer too and it was an enthusiastic yes. Spots were filling up quick since the time I signed up and by the time she got back with me (since she was working), all the spots were gone. I sent her the link via text but the fool didn’t know how to surf on her phone to check on occasion to see if spots came back open (which they could).

I emailed the lady in charge to see if any spots would fill back up or if she could make a spot come open. It was a no go. When I got to her place later that night, we checked on her computer and still no spots were open. So it was a done deal. I’d be volunteering solo. Wasn’t a big deal cuz where she lived wasn’t far away and we made plans for me to stay over. Turns out her head ain’t on Earth at all. It’s somewhere orbiting over by Neptune. She thinks she’s a psychic, believes in astrology and a mix of other religions, she’s an alcoholic, and she has a short temper amongst many other faults I won’t bother mentioning. It’d take up too much space. She was definitely hittable with humungous tits but I didn’t even bother trying to knock it. This chick was nuts. She cooked so we ate dinner (tasted good), watched a little tv, and I rolled the furk out. Simple hug goodbye and a thank you and that’s the last I seen or heard from her. Jeez, don’t you just hate when bitches misrepresent themselves? I think I’ve learned by now the importance of a face-to-face meeting when you date online. I guess I’m lucky no spots were available anymore to volunteer cuz it woulda been super awkward. Gotta love how destiny looks out for ya boy.

Ain’t like she lived close. That’s why I was gonna spend the night. But since that plan backfired miserably, that meant Clermont was gonna be a good drive to get to the next morning. So I cancelled that shit when I got home. Wasted enough time and gas on that bitch. But it ain’t like I still didn’t wanna contribute somewhere somehow. I checked the website over the next few weeks on occasion to see if anything close-by would pop open on a date that I was available. Nothing. Several actually did but it was on days that I had to work. I thought about taking the time off but opted out cuz I got bills to pay. Magically, an opportunity came open on a weekend day I had off, it was a simple task, short on time spent doing it, and reasonably close. So I went for it and got a spot when there was only one left.

Ain’t bother to ask nobody else if they wanted to do it with me cuz I already knew the answer. People these days only care about themselves. Very rarely do I meet anyone who’s selfless and willing to contribute back to society in some way with no expectation of gaining something tangible in return. If you gotta tell yourself you’re a good person, guess what? You’re not. It’s proven through actions. Having said that, would I have volunteered if not for the free Disney pass? Definitely not! The day before, it was cold, windy, and rainy. That Saturday morning at the VA center where I volunteered was the same except for the wind and rain. It was overcast and fucking freezing and the assignment was all outdoors. Miserable ass conditions and I knew it’d be that way but I still decided to go through with it. I’m a man of my word and since no one else was attached that could cause problems, I stuck to my end of the deal unlike last time. This is why I fly solo to shit a lot. I’m the only one I know who’s reliable enough to come through on their word. Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t lost faith in humanity at all but so far, that’s just my personal experience.

The VA med center is next to Baldwin Park on the east side of Orlando. Ironic that I was talking to another chick who lived there and during a phone convo about a week before, she said she ain’t think we were a match so communication stopped. Yep, met her online (after the other one). Yep, she misrepresented herself. Seems to be a pattern, huh? Even told me straight out that she’s shallow, judgmental, and impatient. Yeah, I think that’s definitely a mismatch for sure but I don’t pass judgment till I meet someone face-to-face unless they say or do something before that that causes me to ditch them. In her case, convo wasn’t bad at all. Her prob is that she put work before enjoying her personal life and she knows she needs to change but either isn’t willing to initiate it or doesn’t know how. I’ve met chicks like that. They just need to see things from another angle. Coulda helped but hey, she did say she’s impatient. She’ll work it out on her own someday.

Another chick bites the dust. And oh yeah, she was smokin’ hot too. That could be part of the problem with the women I’m attracting. They’re mostly white, accomplished (which is good), independent (which ain’t always good), no kids (I don’t date chicks with kids), and attractive. Like 8 or better attractive. Since I’m clearly still single as I write this, I realize I need to take a different approach. No, I never initiated contact with them. They all sought me out. In person though, I gotta feel some kind of connection if I’m gonna ask you out or get the digits to get to know you better. There was yet another white chick at the VA med center who was there alone and we sort of gravitated towards each other even though I did try to gravitate away. Due to my luck with white women, I opted not to get to know her beyond this volunteer effort. But here I am talking shit about not knowing selfless people and I just met one. And I realize now I was being hypocritical by excluding white chicks from my mix based on several bad experiences with them. I always preach that no one should apply the negative actions of a few onto an entire race or gender or whatever. It was after the fact that I saw the light and put my own words back into practice. So it’s quite possible that I let something good get away. But I can live with that. At least I learned my lesson from it. What’d she look like, you ask? She was on point. 3rd from the left on her knees in the pic.

Anyway, I rolled up in my car and met the Hands On Orlando group in the front of the center. Some cats were already prettying up the fountain. Our job was to tidy and pretty up 2 garden areas. They did provide gloves and tools. Me and ol’ girl took care of the cactus area and did a damn fine job. Even she’ll vouch for that. There was a mix of young and old volunteers there. Even the residents that could still walk and move helped out where they could. Like I said before, it was a simple task. I got a decent workout from lifting heavy ass 40lb bags of topsoil for a good hour. I ain’t mind since I’m all about exercise these days. Every little bit helps. Some people got down and dirty. Not me. I did my part but I wasn’t trying to be knee deep in dirt. FURK DAT! There was one bossy ass bitch but she was playing around. Got on my case cuz I stepped on some flowers while laying topsoil. What can I say, I gots big feets. And that’s exactly what I did say too.

After the two garden areas were done, we just had to clean up. I reeled out and reeled back in some hoses for other people to water the new plants. I picked up some litter that flew around the courtyard. There was a dog running around the whole time that was cute. It was there for therapeutic purposes for the residents. All the work was done fairly quick. Within a few hours I’d say and that’s cuz so many volunteers were there. The more the better, they said. That’s when we posed for that group shot and went inside to grub. They had junk food galore: hot dogs, hamburgers, chips, and baked beans. I passed by ol’ girl in line and she said it was nice to meet me. I didn’t fully understand what she said at the time cuz I was focused on the food so I just smiled and moved cuz I thought I was in her way since she was leaving without eating shit. It was later that I interpreted what she said and she probably thought I was a total dill cuz I ain’t say nothing back. My bad. If you’re reading this (which I seriously doubt), I legitimately didn’t understand what you said at the time. I’m an asshole but at the same time I’m not an asshole if that makes sense.

I got my fill of free food cuz I ain’t stupid. I don’t usually partake in that type of food often anymore but I can eat anything I want as long as I balance it out with healthy food. Them hot dogs was on point, I ain’t gonna front on that. I sat alone, surfed on my phone, finished eating, then bounced. I’ve seen that center many a time since I’ve lived here (I used to catch the city bus that stops up in there when I used to work up that way). Just never been inside or knew what was going on there. We did have to walk through the joint to get from one point to another. I saw some things I’d never seen before. I’m assuming this joint was an old folk’s home filled with seniors who can’t take care of themselves anymore and war veterans who are in the same boat. Some could still walk under their own power and were jubilant. Others were wheelchair bound and still jubilant. They just couldn’t walk anymore. But some that I saw made me see things in a different light. My possible future if I don’t take care of myself as best as I can now.

Some of them were just sad looking, tired, sleepy, slow, missing limbs, and attached to breathing apparatuses. One guy was missing both of his legs. I saw a short hallway full of geries in wheelchairs; lined up back to back against the wall facing me. All of them either blitzed or sleeping and they looked like zombies. Wish I coulda brought my cam in. Woulda made for a nice black and white photo but I ain’t wanna blatantly invade nobody’s privacy. While outside, a lady pulled up in a converted van to get a relative in a motorized wheelchair. Guy looked like he had so many things attached to him just to keep him alive. Then I thought about the lady and what she has to put with for the rest of her life dealing with that relative (or friend) till he dies. Ain’t like she was young. She was probably in her 50’s or getting close to it. Him too but he was in bad shape. It took them a good while to get him into that van. So much that a cop rolled up on her and told her to speed it up cuz she was blocking access. I can’t imagine the time involved in a situation like that but the things I saw that day put things further into perspective for myself and my lifestyle.

I had a job before where I was doing data entry and I had to process paperwork for nursing homes. A lot of it was complaints from residents and their family about their treatment by the nurses. It’s one thing to read those horror stories. It’s another thing to see the type of residents who’d be making those complaints. Not saying that I saw or heard of anyone being mistreated while I was at the center, but I got a better understanding of the basis of them. Maybe I’ll volunteer again in the future. Hell, definitely I’ll do it again but when it’s warm. This cold is a fucking bitch. When the day wrapped, I knew I was gonna take a walk around Lake Baldwin since it was so close. I drove around it first to see if there was a walking path and there was. Brought my ankle weights with 8lbs per leg in preparation. Not even a quarter of the way, I started feeling the burn but I motivated myself with a few relevant words, “There’s only one way to get back home.” Meaning if I wanted to get back to my car, I had to keep walking. It was a good 2.5 mile walk too. Damn sure felt the burn on that one when I took them weights off. And the irony continued. I had to basically pass through the whole neighborhood since it’s built around the lake. No doubt I passed by that chick’s house who said we weren’t a match. Oh well, I learned my life lessons for the day and did my part to give back to the world.

White chicks? Yeah, they’re back in my good graces. I know I need to change things for the better about myself when necessary to attract the right kind of woman cuz it’s never always just them. I play my part too. It’s all a work in progress. But psychic? C’mon now, I didn’t see it coming but she should have been able to, right?