No pics. No video. No scanned ticket. No fancy receipts. No nothing. The day started out fucked up and because of that, I didn’t have time to shoot or record anything. Here’s the tweets I popped out to give you an idea of how shit went down:

1. goin 2 adventure island in tampa 2day. @ embassy suites in lbv now eatin dat FREE breakfast. naybody do it betta dan embassy! Sun 8/16/2009 8:02 AM

2. dont u hate makin plans n sum1 b late 4 shit n fuck dem plans up? friend who got da tix late pickin us up. now we waitin @ grande lakes. Sun 8/16/2009 9:20 AM

3. aight. finally we on our way. cuz deez bitches is trippin. all late n shit. indecisive. park open alredy n shit. gonna make dis a good time! Sun 8/16/2009 10:41 AM

Peep the times on them shits. We talkin’ bout 3 hours of time wasted cuz bitches can’t make up they mind bout shit, can’t stick to they word and shit, don’t know how to plan and shit, lazy as fuck and shit, driving slow and shit, wasting gas and time and shit, using up cell phone battery life and shit, losing and misplacing shit too. Fucking park was open from 9:30a to 6p. It was me, a male friend, a female friend who was driving, her cousin, and her little nephew. Me and my male friend was at the Embassy all early and shit thinking we was gonna meet up with my female friend there and be on our way. But shit just got all fucked up and we ended up getting to the park at 12:30p. Luckily, we managed to do everything in the park with time to spare; some things more than once.

For me to fully describe the 3 hours of bullshit that morning would mean pages and pages of ranting and shitting on my peeps (mainly the female one) and I did enough of that already. She already know how I feel. It’s all wood. But goddamn man, this shit here didn’t make no fuckin’ sense. Oh yeah, it’s all describable. But that might be more cussing than most people would be willing to read.

Rolled up in the park and only one parking attendant was working so the line of cars was pretty far back for a park of this size and type. Cost 10 bucks to park which I think is a bit steep considering it’s a smaller, older water park in Tampa which isn’t exactly known as tourist central to justify the price. But they’re gonna get you one way or another in this economy. Parking lot is decent sized. Plenty of spaces available. No attendant to direct you anywhere. Park where you want. Even if you park further away, it ain’t that far to walk to the front gate. They use the same system other parks use: ticket scan and fingerprint. My female friend got that hookup so we all got in free.

Me and my male friend did our thing while the others did theirs. We changed our clothes and lockers are right up front so we rented one out. 10 fuckin’ bucks for that but you get 3 bucks back when you turn in your key. BUT the 3 bucks is a gift certificate that can only be used in the park. Shit, once you’ve done every damn thing and really ain’t got shit you wanna buy or eat and you ready to go home and don’t plan on ever returning to the park, most people would just toss that shit. Me? Fuck that. I used mine before I left. Got me a big ass funnel cake for a little over 2 bucks. Is the gc transferable? I have no idea.

First ride we got on was Everglides. Didn’t wait long and it was a pretty decent ride. Decent drop but the thrill is a bit too short. You can turn it into a competition by seeing who glides out furthest on their board. Some people make it all the way to the lifeguard at the end. Others crash and burn midway. I got about 2/3 of the way. At the top, you can see all the cop cars off in the cut. It’s one thing to wanna maintain a safe environment but damn, when you have too much of a presence, it makes you wonder. Motherfuckers coulda been a bit more invisible.

Next up was Aruba Tuba and Calypso Coaster. Both are on the same platform which is way high up. You can see all around, like the whole park and the downtown Tampa skyline and the line was pretty damn long too. Both are tube rides. Me and my friend paired up for them both. Main difference is Calypso is in the dark. Both are okay but nathan spectacular.

Then we did Riptide. Aquatica got the same shit except twice as big. Again, it was aight. This is another one you can turn into a race. If you push off fast, you go fast. My skinny ass was in first place but then this chunky bitch just zoomed right past every damn body at the last couple seconds. You gotta get your tube at the end of the ride which is a good wait. Watching the high-school aged lifeguards do practically nothing to earn their money is entertainment in itself. And then it’s a pretty good walk to the actual ride. Plus it’s high up. If you’re a fat motherfucker, you’re gonna get a workout in this place cuz there ain’t no elevators. You gotta walk them stairs to get on a lot of these rides and them shits can be steep and high as fuck. And when no one is in line? Shit, that’s when your physical fitness comes into play cuz ain’t gonna be nobody in front of you to stop and go like if there was a line. You just gotta keep going till you reach the top.

We saw Splash Attack which is right next to Riptide but it’s a kiddie play area. Sucks cuz they need to build some shit like that for adults like me who are still in touch with their youthful side. So we slid on over to Water Moccasin where you gotta take your water shoes off to ride it. Line wasn’t that long. When my turn came up, I got on the middle slide which is #2. Wasn’t expecting anything special but when I got the green light to go and launched out, man, I got a hell of a fucking surprise. That shit dropped my ass straight the fuck down. I was NOT expecting that! Hell yeah I was yelling. That shit is an adrenaline rush for yo ass! Only lasts about 3 fucking seconds but goddamn that shit was fun as fuck! And when you hit the water, you crash and burn every time. I fucking loved it! It’s the type of shit you wanna build in your back yard and shit. I got on the #1 and #3 slides and they were nothing special in comparison. They twist and drop. You don’t get the same speed or sensation. I had to tell my homeboy to do that #2 and he felt the same fucking way. This is hands down the best ride in the park and one of the best water rides I’ve EVER been on. And the tubes are dark too so that helps on the fun factor.

After a ride like that, it’d be hard to top. We hit up Key West Rapids next. Gotta get your single-rider tube at the bottom and then it’s a good wait and a good ways up them stairs. You’re so high up, you expect this shit to be the bomb but this is hands down the lamest ride in the whole joint. It’s not a continuous tube ride. There’s two points where you’re stopped by lifeguards, then they send you on your way again after the person in front of you is far enough ahead. I rode the latter part down backwards which made it a little more fun cuz you didn’t know what to expect. But the stops and lack of speed made this shit lame.

Gulf Scream was next on the list and water shoes gotta come off here too. I’d put this one in second place. Pretty high up and lots of speed. Not very steep but it was still a good ride. Bomb Bay is still tops for this type of ride. The water is a little deep at the end of Gulf though. Like around 4 feet while most of the other rides, the water is only about 2 or 3. Caribbean Corkscrew looks fun enough but it ain’t all that. I thought I was gonna get turned upside down in that bitch like a roller coaster but you only get tossed side to side. It’s fast but I guess I was disappointed cuz of that false expectation I created for myself.

At this point, we did all the rides on one side of the park and were hungry. So we met up with the other peeps at a food joint near the front. This one was called Surfside Café and like everyplace else here that I could see, they take credit cards. My homeboy was a cheap ass and didn’t wanna pay the price for the park’s food. I didn’t think it was so unreasonable. You get what you pay for and the quantities are fair. After getting my wallet out of the locker, I got some chicken tenders and fries and a chocolate cake. I shared my food with the cheap fuck who was also mooching off the others. They had a funnel cake and that shit was good as fuck. That’s why I bought my own at the end of the day. Saw more cops hanging around the dining area, peeping honeys and shit. You know they was. Bet they love getting assigned to this place.

When we was done, I had to watch her nephew cuz she wasn’t in the mood to do anything else, so we hit up Paradise Lagoon first; the non-kid area of it. Unlike other water parks I’ve been to, this joint had a diving area. Well, more like a jumping area 10 feet up. They didn’t allow flips and shit, which fucking sucks, but it was nice to be able to at least jump in some deep water. My homeboy and her nephew wussed out and didn’t take the leap like I did. They did the slides instead. There’s 2 mini-slides. I hit them up too but nothing can beat jumping. Damn, I wish they allowed diving but I know, liability and all that bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The beach area they got there ain’t really that big. It’s main purpose is to get your feet dirty it seems cuz wasn’t many people lounging there. And you got no choice but to pass through it unless you wanna walk around it. But it is a water park after all. Plenty of spots to rinse your feet. I wore water shoes. Dirt gets in them, a simple rinse ain’t gonna do the trick unfortunately.

We hit Runaway Rapids after that. Again, if you’re a fat ass lazy fuck, getting on all the various slides here is gonna burn a considerable amount of calories cuz once you get to the end of the slides, it’s a LONG walk back to the top to do the next ones. I don’t remember the individual names of the slides but numbers 1 and 2 are for the small fry’s. We did ‘em anyway. 3, 4, and 5 are longer and faster with more twists and turns. 3 is good, 4 is better, 5 is best cuz you get air on the way down. 3, you hit a turn and you damn near fly off the damn slide. But still, 5 is best. You can get more speed by getting a running start. The landscaping could use some work too. Trees hanging all out in the walkway and shit. The middle rapids area you gotta walk through before you get in line for the rides where they got the waterfalls is a nice chill spot.

Wahoo Run is where things started going downhill weatherwise yet uphill funwise. It’s behind Runaway Rapids and is the highest up of all the platforms so fat and out-of-shape people, beware. The weather all day was overcast cuz of a tropical storm that was leaving Florida. So it was warm. Not burning hot, not cool, but warm and comfortable. The line for Wahoo was fairly long. While waiting, the weather got progressively worse and worse and worse. It was raining in the distance and headed our way. A few sprinkles came down but hey, it’s a water park. As long as there ain’t no lightning, they stay open. We got to the last set of stairs which is open and exposed to the elements with nowhere to hide if the rain came crashing down. And guess what? The rain came crashing down.

This wasn’t soft rain. Wasn’t warm rain. It was hard, cold rain typical of a Florida summertime shower. We tried to withstand it but it was just coming down way too hard and it was cold since there was no sunshine prior. I was reluctant to wanna leave our spot in line but my friend convinced us to bounce. Other people in line followed suit eventually. Her nephew rejoined them and me and my homeboy hit up the Endless Surf wave pool. It’s just like any other wave pool but given the circumstances, it’d be an unforgettable experience. We left Wahoo right on time. The wave pool water was heated and not soon after we got in, a lot of other people hopped in, and the waves began for a good 10 minutes. So you got a lot of happy people with no drama involved, warm water, high waves, loud music, and cold, hard rain all happening at the same time. It was like a fucking party up in that bitch!

Not soon after the waves stopped, so did the rain. So that experience was over but I’ll never forget it. That’s never happened at any water park I’ve ever been to. Luckily, there was no lightning so they stayed open. Here’s one piece of advice: when it rains, DON’T LEAVE THE PARK! You know why? Cuz everyone else does. And guess what that means? NO LINES! That rain practically cleared everybody out and it was open fucking season on all the rides. Sometimes Florida rain has a lot of lightning and you wanna run for cover and stay covered. But most of the time, like this one, it just comes and goes. But people don’t know that. When rain hits, they flex. We knew better.

We hit up Wahoo again. We noticed people were jumping off their tubes while on the slide. Didn’t make sense to us that you really had to stay on it, so we followed suit when our time came up. He jumped off early then got back on. I jumped off later and didn’t. Lifeguard got on my case but what the fuck they gonna do? Jack shit, that’s what. They don’t give a fuck. Long as your ass ain’t drowning making them have to earn their money, they don’t give a flying fuck.

We had about an hour to spare so you just know we had to hit up Water Moccasin again…and again and again. Got on that middle slide about 4 more times back to back. I’m telling you, that shit is so much fucking fun. Other people did the same thing we did and it was the same comments and sensation from everyone who got on that #2; kids and adults alike. Then we hit up Gulf Scream again. Was gonna do Everglides again but it was closed. Lifeguard said it wasn’t working. I think cuz it was so close to closing time, they didn’t wanna open it back up so they could milk the clock. One last thing left to do and that was the Rambling Bayou lazy river. We did two passes on it cuz there’s a rain forest path that connects to the regular one. It’s like an aviary with no birds with lush landscaping plus they got sprinkler heads that spray water down on you. That sprinkler water wasn’t heated, btw.

When we finished all that up, my female friend was already waiting in the car with her cousin and nephew and my homeboy was tapped out and joined them. We had about 30 minutes till closing. So we did everything this park had to offer with a little time to spare. I was still vibrant and wanted to do more rides but everyone else was bummed and ready to leave. What can I say? I’m in good shape, got lots of stamina and a high energy level, and I like my fun with a healthy dose of adrenaline. Wanna know what’s fucked up? I was the second oldest of the bunch. Her cousin is only a year older than me. Anyway, I was thinking of getting my cam to take some pics, but there just wasn’t enough time left.

I dried off and changed my clothes, gave back my locker key to get my certificate that I used for my funnel cake, and left to join them. Those lazy assholes played a good prank on my ass that I won’t mention here but they know it’s coming back to ‘em. So how do I rate Adventure Island? I give it 7 out of 10 stars. It’s small, it’s old, chicks really ain’t all that good looking, and it don’t take up a full day for the price. If we woulda got here on time, I coulda got all the pics and vid I could handle. Took us only 5 hours to do everything but we’re singles. I imagine families with young kids would enjoy everything this place has to offer since there’s other kiddie shit we couldn’t do, like Fabian’s Funport. If you wanna play volleyball, there’s the Spike Zone. If I had a fam, I’d probably bump my rating up to 8.5.

I still don’t understand why people come to water parks and don’t get in the water or do any rides. I always see people sleeping, reading books, or just straight chilling. That’s what my homegirl and her cousin did: the wave pool and that’s it. No rides. Granted both of them are overweight but shit, half the park was too and that didn’t stop most of them from having fun. I don’t know. I don’t get it. Why pay all that money for something and you ain’t gonna use or enjoy it? I don’t know…

Plenty of girls but most were jailbait, moms (not milfs), fat, or just plain unattractive. Not one chick really stood out from the herd the whole day. Well, maybe one but she was fully clothed. The lifeguards weren’t much better although one freckled-to-hell redhead was halfway decent. The park was clean, I’ll give them that, but the rides show their age cuz some of the tech is kinda ancient. Gets the job done but is still ancient. The wood is heavily chipped in places. The metal creaks, especially on Gulf Scream. Bolts and electrical piping are visibly rusted and corroded in some spots. And they even still use incandescent light bulbs rather than more energy efficient cfl’s. Food was reasonably priced though so that’s a plus along with taking credit cards as payment. Lines weren’t horribly long, weather was good for the most part, and it wasn’t all crowded and shit. Employees looked presentable and were nice enough considering their age and pay.

Other than how the day started and how I ended up not getting any pics, it was still a good day. We made it a good day. Would I return here? Nah, I did everything that could be done and more than once for some things. That includes helping two kids that got into some water that was a bit too deep for them. I got the full experience. Even got a face full of little boy dick cuz one dad just stripped his kid down in front of everybody in the locker room to change his clothes. Like he was oblivious or didn’t even care if anyone else was around or watching. And he shouldn’t have to but you gotta be careful.

If you’re a single and/or you just like doing rides, you’ll like this place but probably won’t make a full day of it depending on the time of year. If you got kids, you’ll get all your money’s worth. If you’re a fat slob or out-of-shape, you can come on out to get some much needed exercise, cuz you’ll get it whether you like it or not, and have fun. Or you can stay home and wallow in potato chip crumbs. I was running around, playing and splashing in the water, and swimming like crazy when I could. And oh yeah, I was sore the next day. Only one water park left and that’s Typhoon Lagoon. That’s where I was gonna go till my friend came through with the free tix. Gonna be too cold to do this year and the park won’t be open as late so I’m probably gonna hit that up next year. I wouldn’t say Adventure Island is full of adventure cuz it’s a pretty standard water park setup. But it is fun and you get what you pay for. But, as always, look around for discounts! Even if you’re standing in line to buy tix, hop on your cell phone and surf. Look around and buy them on your cell phone if you can. Plenty of good deals out there for those willing to find and take advantage of them. This recession won’t last forever, you know.