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I just can’t be one of those depressed, unemployed schmucks who sits at home all day waiting for the phone to ring or not being able to go out and enjoy life. I had some time on my hands, I wanted to get out of the house, and I had my Disney pass but never used it, so I decided to go out and have some fun, even if it was by myself. Total cost? Just food and gas, so about $15 for 10 hours of entertainment. Can’t beat that, now can you?

My tank was already damn near empty so I hit up a gas station to fill it up halfway since that’d last me about 3 weeks to a month. Then I hit up Wendy’s before going to DQ (DisneyQuest, not Dairy Queen) so that I’d have a decent amount of cheap food in me to last the day. It wasn’t enough. I had to hit up guest services on the other side of DT Disney to trade in my exchange ticket for a real ticket (I have the 3-day play plus water parks and more non-expiring ticket). I parked closer to that to avoid a long walk so I got back in my car and parked closer to DQ where there was a lot more available parking. Oh yeah, it was hot as a bitch outside. This is Florida after all. But I ain’t complaining. Rather have it hot than cold anytime.

I’d been to DQ during it’s opening year when I worked in the hospitality industry. Nope, I don’t remember a damn thing about the place from back then so I might as well say this was my first time going. I got in free with my pass. Tix are usually 40 bucks. Now, after I’ve experienced the place, do I consider that a good deal? Fuck yeah, I do! This isn’t a place for lamers, it’s a place for gamers. You can go online and read reviews about the joint and anything negative can only be coming from a fuddy duddy. If you don’t have a youthful, fun side to you and if you don’t like arcade games or interactive games, then this place ain’t for you.

I’d recommend getting there as soon as they open cuz the place can get full pretty quick and when it does, getting on a ride or waiting to play a game can be a hassle cuz people, mainly kids, forget that they can’t bogart the game. Other people are waiting to play. It’s not a long wait, if any, for arcade games but the main attractions can have a good line. I got there at 2p and stayed till they closed at 10. They opened at 11:30. I wish I woulda got there at opening. So much to do there. On Friday and Saturday they’re open till 11p. That extra hour comes in handy so keep that in mind. If you can get there when they open, focus strictly on the main attractions. Work from the bottom to the top cuz the Jungle Cruise and Pirates of the Caribbean rides on the first level are the busiest. Then just keep working upwards till all of the main attractions are done. If you get there late, then you start from the top to the bottom. That’s what I did and I didn’t have much for a wait until I got to the two aforementioned first level rides.

If you take the elevators up, it dumps you on the third level which is the hub that directs you to all 5. Don’t start there in the middle. Go up or go down. Start at the first or fifth level, but not the middle. I can’t stress enough that you need to get those main attractions outta the way cuz that’s what’s gonna cost you in time the most; waiting in those lines. Once those are out of the way, the multitude of games on every level are at your full disposal and that was the most fun part about the place to me. You didn’t have to bother reloading quarters and shit. One price = unlimited play. That’s a good concept. If you’re like me, once you start playing, you can’t stop. I sampled as many games as I could. That’s why I say maximize your arcade time cuz it’s addictive.

They had a good mix of old and new games. Classic shit like Qbert and Frogger. New shit like Justice League: Heroes United. Lots of driving and racing games in The Underground area, poker, foosball, versus, shooter, ddr, guitar hero, childrens…you name it, they probably had it or something close to it. Something for everybody in that place and it’s pretty big too. I’d say the one game that you gotta wait a while for is Let’s Go Jungle. Great graphics on that one and it’s supposed to give a good 30 minutes of play. If you know you’re gonna wanna play a shooter game like that, get your spot after doing the main attractions. I didn’t get a chance to play. But I got another day on my pass to go back so you never know…

My first piece of advice was to get the main attractions outta the way. My second piece is to WASH YOUR HANDS FREQUENTLY! The place is a germ factory. No shit. There’s bathrooms on every floor. Use ‘em! I wasn’t even thinking to wash my hands at all cuz I was caught up in shit but then it hit me. I’d been touching all this equipment and shit for hours on end. Same fucking equipment that hundreds of other people from all over the world have touched before me, snotnose ass kids and shit too, and not once did I wash my hands? Oh hell no! I made sure to wash up regularly after that epiphany.

It might be Disney but they have their flaws and make mistakes and shit too. Some of the games didn’t work. Like Super Bikes. One bike’s brakes weren’t working, another’s accelerator wasn’t. Another flying game’s controller didn’t work. Some driving games’ steering was fucked up. I’d imagine that they test the shit daily and nightly and throughout the day but apparently not. That was probably the biggest downer. It ruins the experience and lowers your Disney expectations. But speaking of Super Bikes, I’d say that was one of the best games I played there cuz the control was great. They even had Crazy Taxi up in that bitch. I love that game but chose not to play it cuz they had so many others that I’d never seen or heard of. I had to sample as much as I could. My mission was to at least beat the first level of a game before moving to another. The only game I didn’t do that with was Spy Hunter cuz it wasn’t made clear when playing it where the endpoint was. So I ditched it after getting ran off the road and blown the fuck up too many goddamn times.

Now, which attractions were good and bad? I did them all except Pinball Slam cuz that shit just looked pointless as fuck. It’s a good workout but there’s not an ounce of strategy or technique to it. All you’re doing is moving around frantically on the pedestal to keep your ball moving. That’s it. I question the technology on the Jungle Cruise. I didn’t see any sensors on the oars so what was the point of all that paddling? Was the inflatable outer raft touch sensitive? I don’t know. I coulda got on it by myself but the attendant had to ask more than once if anyone had a party of 2 or 3 that wanted to ride with me. What the fuck? I’m ugly? Intimidating? You’re racist? What? Geez. Finally, two white teen girls decided to do it with me. They didn’t wanna cuz they wanted to go by themselves. I’m like, dumb bitches, I’ll be in the back like a nigger usually is, you won’t even know I’m here. You do get wet in the front seats so beware. And there’s an area in the back of the raft to keep your shit safe, snug and dry.

It’s a pretty rough ride. 2 fat chicks and their kids put on a good show, yelling and screaming and shit, cuz the ride throws you around a bit, kinda like a real raft would. You gotta tuck your feet into some holsters. If you don’t do that and you don’t have strong legs to stay put and you don’t have strong arms when paddling, then don’t bother getting on this shit. It’s a pretty good workout. Don’t put yourself in a position to say what one of the girls that rode with me said: “My arms are tired.”

Just like any other type of ride, these have height requirements so keep that in mind when traveling with young kids. The Pirates ride is pretty fun. There’s, like, 3 different screened rooms with different names but I don’t know if that means there’s 3 different types of games to play. It’s a 3d deal (they give you glasses, you give them back when you’re done) where there’s one driver/captain and everyone else is shooting down pirate ships and monsters. I went in with 3 others. There’s supposed to be 6 people and there was only 4 of us so me and the other shooters were pulling double duty. Kinda made it more fun cuz there was shooting opportunities. I liked it. It has the longest line of anything in the joint and I suppose that’s for a reason. They don’t clean the 3d glasses between passenger loads so you could get some shit passed onto you, like lice. Lucky for me I’m black and I ain’t gotta worry about that.

The Alladin’s Magic Carpet Ride is like the Ride the Comix ride. A virtual setting. You put on your helmet, which they do sanitize after each person wears one, and then the virtual headgear. For the Comix ride, well, neither is really a ride. They’re more of an experience. Comix is you and a Star Wars light saber fighting off bad guys. Alladin is you riding on a magic carpet collecting gems or some shit. Both were pretty lame and the tech is a little dated. Not to mention the speaker on my headgear when I was on the Comix ride didn’t work. So motherfuckers in the game were speaking but I ain’t hear shit. I think Disney needs to update the tech and/or get a new concept for both. They have enough intellectual properties and engineers to make it happen.

Buzz Lightyear’s AstroBlaster falls into the same category. It’s incredibly dated. And once again Disney drops the ball. One ride employee left out a key point before letting people on. I got on the first time and couldn’t move my vehicle. Went to an attendant after and told her the prob and she put me in line ahead of everyone to get on again. But this time, a different ride employee explained the key point that the previous idiot left out: Your cannon has to initially be empty in order for you to move. The first time, I was just a sitting duck. The second time, I peeped the cannon and saw that the loader was turned over and it appeared that a ball was in it when there wasn’t. So check that cannon and make sure it’s empty when you get in that bitch and buckle both seat belts and then you’ll be on your way. I did it alone, driving and shooting. Either way, it’s lame and dated.

The Create Zone has a lot of shit for kids, like the Animation Academy, but that’s where the CyberSpace Mountain virtual roller coaster is. The coaster I built was rated 4 out of 5 on the extreme front. If you don’t choose a name for it in a good amount of time, they choose one for you. I chose Astro for the first name but they chose Chariot for the last. Not enough choices, the bastards. I wore my one-of-a-kind “FURK DAT!” t-shirt. A kid behind me in line asked his mom while pointing, “His shirt says furk dat. What’s that mean?” She whispered in his ear. I assume she told him bluntly. Shit, I was surfing on my phone and facing them. Like I didn’t see him or hear his question. Shoulda clowned his little jit ass.

They make you take out all your loose shit and put it behind lock and key, which they give to you when you get on the simulators. I tried to put in as many loops and shit as possible but the ride still wasn’t extreme enough. The attendant even asked if I was okay riding it since mine was rated so high. I was like, just close the hatch and lemme do this shit. The only extreme part was the initial loop cuz I wasn’t expecting that shit to turn my ass completely upside down. It felt like an ancient county fair ride cuz you don’t fit snugly in the seat and you get tossed around a bit. Yep, it’s dated and not really that extreme. When it was over, the attendant asked how I liked it. I just told her the truth that it coulda been more extreme. Like a fucking 8 or 9, then I woulda been satisfied. Maybe…if I fit good in the seat.

Typhoon is a virtual game that they have and it’s okay but the line for it can get long. They have 6 environments but if there’s a line, you can only do one at a time. I remember the old Movie Rider attraction here in Orlando way back when. That shit was on par with Universal’s Back to the Future. That’s the type of shit DQ needs to invest in. Old tech from 10 years ago is still better than a lot of shit that’s out there now. Damn shame.

So overall, I rate the main attractions 1.5 out of 10 and that’s pushing it. The Pirates ride was the only shining star. All the others are old, lame, outdated, and pointless. In other words, not fun. Yep, you’re gonna need to eat again whether you like it or not since it is a full day affair. But surprisingly, the food ain’t horrible and is decently priced. There’s sweets on the fourth level and then there’s meats on the fifth and they do take credit for payment and they don’t ask to see your ID and you don’t have to sign for shit. Not cool. I think the fourth level had internet access at the tables and shit. Of course you ain’t gonna be able to look up no porn or no shit like that. I had my phone so I was straight.

It did get to that point where I had to eat something cuz I was literally shaking from hunger. I couldn’t even take straight pics it got so bad. I thought I could last the day but it just wasn’t gonna happen. Had to bite the bullet and pay for Disney food. I was taking pics of the menu so that you’ll have an idea of what to expect. Fucking security guard rolled up on me from behind a door and asked if he could help me with anything. I said, “Nope,” and kept on taking my pics. Fuck ‘em.

Talent. As in hot girls. Oh yeah, more than plenty. Problem was they were mostly all jail bait. So take that info however you want. Wear comfortable shoes. I shoulda wore my gel inserts instead of my orthotics cuz my feet were hurting later in the day. No need to overdress. There were more flip flops, shorts, and tank tops in there than tennis shoes and casual wear. The air temp is comfortable too. Not too hot, not too cold. It was just right. Place was clean, employees were too and they were all Disney nice. When you leave, you know how they do. You gotta go through a gift shop called the Emporium. When DQ closes though, an attendant comes by to let you know and you gotta stop playing your game. I wasn’t ready to leave. I was prepared to be there for another good 3 hours.

I think the DQ concept is a good one. Floor upon floor of video games. The next logical step would be to incorporate Wii, Xbox, and PS3 console gaming stations. I think that’d be a massive hit! Even better if all of them were emulated. I can definitely see that happening at some point in the future, if not here then somewhere. It just makes sense. My overall DQ experience? 8.5 out of 10. Regardless of the lame main attractions and non-working games, everything else was on point. I loved it and especially the one-price-pays-all concept. If Disney had a little more forward thinking with this concept, it might’ve taken off in the other cities it used to be in. But I can see video arcades coming back into the mainstream when emulated console gaming finally takes off. It’s just natural synergy. So, to wrap things up in one word, would I recommend DisneyQuest? Yes. And they serve beer. Not my thing but now you know you can set a great example for all the kids there.