For a photo slideshow, click here. For the video, click here.

This was on the books since February. I’m a AAA member and they advertised that there would be a ‘AAA Member Appreciation Days’ at Aquatica in April. Then they cancelled the dates and didn’t know what the new dates would be, if any. They advised me to call them to find out what the new dates would be. They told me it changed to May and the new newsletter also reflected that. Yet when I called them to confirm, they said it was all still up in the air and that they would have a limited number of tix available. So I waited a little bit, called them again and they said the dates were set in stone and that they could sell out of their quantity at any moment. So I hit up their office on East Colonial to buy 2 tix as soon as I had time to do it.

I got the tix for me and my friend Dre. Put ‘em on my credit card and he’d pay me in cash later. As you can see in the pic, it was just a piece of paper with printed barcodes and such on it, not an actual ticket like one would expect. And so we waited for the day to come. He actually got a deal on a Sea World annual pass which included Aquatica and he opted in for it. So I got a refund on his ticket since AAA allows that now as long as you got the receipt and come back within 90 days of purchase. So long as the date you plan on going doesn’t pass by, that is.

His pass came in handy for discounts when me, him, and another friend went to Sea World earlier this year. And it would come in handy for more discounts this time around. I had to switch shifts with someone at work to have the day off. I told that son of a bitch Dre to be ready to go at 7:15a. I got to his fucking place on time and the bastard was still sleeping. I’m the one who had to wake up at 6 and drive to his place and shit. Got my whole body, head to toe, shaved and ready the night before. I was hyped! We were gonna get that free breakfast at our favorite Embassy Suites on Jamaican Court off of I-Drive first; thus the early departure time. Then we’d cruise on over to Aquatica to be in line when they opened.

Thing about their opening time is that they have something called an ‘hour early exclusive’ that lets people who already have prepaid tix get in the park an hour earlier than the advertised opening time which was 10a. I think it only applies to the weekends and summer months according to their site. Prior to learning that, I called them for info and the rep told me we could get in an hour early. I didn’t believe him so a few days later I tried to call again for confirmation but the hold time was ridiculous. So I checked online and found out about it here under the Park Hours section. We got there ‘round 8:30 or so and parking was relatively sparse and easy, not the nightmare it became later in the day. It was also free too since he had that annual pass. Saved us around 10 smacks! When we got in line, it was about 9. It was long, it wasn’t moving, and it was getting longer. So what the fuck was up with this getting in an hour early bullshit?

I decided to walk around getting pix and vid and they weren’t even letting anyone in and it was about 9:10 or so. I was like, “What the fuck, man?” Bout 5 minutes later they started letting people in. So we actually got in around 9:30. Hour early exclusive my ass. More like a ‘wait in the hot ass sun for 30 minutes’ and ‘30 minutes early exclusive’ combo deal. They checked bags on the way in. Just an employee rummaging a fucking chopstick around in your bag, looking for who knows what. If you had a bomb or a gun or some shit, you probably woulda got away with it the shit was so fucking pathetic. I brought some condoms. You know…just in case. And they didn’t say shit.

They scanned the barcode on the paper and I was in. Lockers was the first destination since neither of us was in swimming gear. 8 bucks for small lockers, 10 for big ones. We got the big one to fit both of our shit. I paid with my credit card. Nice. I hate using cash. No incentive. Credit? I get cash back on everything. And his annual pass entitled him to a $3 gift card to be used towards anything in any Sea World park that he’d get when he returned the key. Sweet. Hit up the bathroom, which was cold yet clean, and we changed. Inside the park, they have much bigger bathrooms than the one outside, which is just a single toilet and sink in a room that doesn’t lock. Inside, they have pissers and shitters on one side and changing stations on the other. They looked more like department store fitting rooms. I wish I woulda took pics of it but since someone was always there, it woulda been awkward.

So we were all changed up and ready to have some fucking fun. Had our spf30 sunscreen spread everywhere on our black asses. Forgot to mention that when you first walk in the park, you pass by a couple rides, a restaurant, and a store before you even get to the first group of lockers. Guess it’s their way of teasing you. We had no clue what to do first so we went into Kiwi Traders, which is right across from the lockers, to get a park map. I assumed our best bet was to start in the back and work our way to the front since that usually results in not having to wait in line to get on rides and shit. So we started off at Kata’s Kookaburra Cove. Turns out that area is themed for fucking kids. Basically, it was no entrance into it without one. Having wasted our time with that, we saw the very inviting Taumata Racer ride. Problem was that an employee turned everyone away cuz the damn ride didn’t open till 10. Hour early exclusive right? Wrong. What’s the fucking point if shit ain’t even open?

So we had a little time to kill before we could hit up that Racer ride. The next closest thing was Roa’s Rapids. It was like a lazy river without the tubes. You could either go in as is or wear a life vest. We went both ways; 1st without and then with. The water took some time to get used to since they didn’t exactly heat it up, although they could’ve. At first, I walked out after going in knee deep. It was just too cold. Then I said fuck it and just dropped my whole self into it. After that, it was fine as the day was getting warmer anyway. We kicked it there for a spell and finally 10:00 came. We hit up the Racer ride. The line wasn’t that long either…just like the ride itself. It was their version of Wet ‘n Wild’s Mach 5 except it was much slower and tamer. If the drop was higher, steeper, and the ride lasted longer, it woulda been a lot more fun than it was.

While we were waiting in line, we looked down and noticed the parking entrance was at a standstill since it was right below the ride on the other side of the fence. Aquatica’s been selling out pretty quick cuz of its newness. The traffic was wrapped all the way back up to the Beachline Expressway. So if you don’t get there early as soon as they open, fuck it. Turn your ass around. Or do the smart thing and take another route with less traffic. It can be done if you read a current map or know the area. Can’t always trust that gps, ya know. But if you’re really smart, you’ll take the I-Ride Trolley which takes the bus entrance that has no wait or you’ll just hoof it from your hotel if it’s close by or just walk from the Lynx bus stop which ain’t that far at all. Plenty of available methods to get you where you wanna be without wasting time and gas like those other idiots. You’ll be kickin’ it in the park while they’re still sittin’ out there wasting premium unleaded. They usually reopen around 3 from what I’ve been hearing but that most likely changes from day to day.

Right next to the Racer was the Walhalla Wave and HooRoo Run, their version of WNW’s The Surge and Bubba Tub. Neither was all that impressive. Just not fast or long enough for me. Sound like a complaining female, don’t I? I like my shit extreme if you can’t tell by now. Still sound like a complaining bitch, huh? But of a different variety. Got out of there and swung by Walkabout Waters but that’s another kiddie themed area. But you could go in without one unlike at the Cove. We skipped that, of course, and decided to sunscreen up and grab some grub. They have a joint called the Banana Beach Cook-out. You can get an all-day pass that lets you eat as much and as many times as you want all day long or a one-time pass that lets you eat as much as you can in one sitting. Dre got 10% off the all-day pass and we’d share the food. Problem was that they give you a wristband and you have to show it to get in. Otherwise you’re s.o.l.

But I’m the type of guy that doesn’t give a shit about rules. I snuck into that bitch when nobody was looking. Actually, I just walked right in without even trying to be subtle about it if I’m gonna be honest. Their slogan is “all-you-care-to-eat with no lines.” Bullshit. Oh, you can eat till your stomach explodes, but no lines? Ha! It was like there was a fucking ride at the end of it or something the line was so damn long. Once you’re in, you’re in. They don’t check for wristbands when you get inside. It’s standard junk fare: hot dogs, burgers, bbq chicken legs and shit like that. I loaded up on those and some banana pudding, raisin carrot salad, and mac and cheese along with a SoBe Lean Cranberry Grapefruit drink. All free for me. Call me a jackass all you want. Go ahead and say I’m fucking shit up for everybody else. I’m an opportunist. I saw it and I took it. Eat all your shit in the dining area though. They don’t let you take anything but drinks outside of it. And don’t get in the habit of feeding the crows. There’s plenty of them hovering around tables looking for a handout.

While we were eating, we saw a park medic running but it wasn't exactly at a life and death pace. I made a comment that he was probably taking his time so that whoever he was going to help would be dead by the time he got there so he'd have less work to do. It's not something to laugh about but we laughed our asses off anyway. I'm just one sick fuck. Can't help it.

One thing though, when we were in a concession line to buy the wristband, me and Dre were talking stocks and such, speaking like we always do, using colorful language. Nigger this, fuck that, shit this...that’s how we talk. We don’t give a shit, we just say what’s on our mind. Some big cracker ass motherfucker tells me, “Hey buddy, you mind toning down the language? There’s kids here. Thanks.” Guess what I did? I said, “Yeah, whatever,” and kept on talking my shit. Motherfucker gonna ask me to watch my mouth? That happens more often than not and I don’t give a fuck if some little kid hears me. If it ain’t me, it’s someone else. Freedom of speech!

Don’t get on the person who’s using language you don’t agree with. That’s the shitty parent way and sets a bad example. The good parent way is to explain to your kids what they’re hearing, only if they ask. And don’t be that knuckle that says, “You’re too young to know that now,” to your fucking kids. If they’re asking, then obviously they’re not. Bet if they asked, “What’s a gangbang?” then you’d have no choice, would you? Wouldn’t want them learning ‘bout that from the wrong sources now, would you? Especially if it’s a girl asking. Now that’d be a helluva convo, wouldn’t it? How would you answer? “It’s something I do with the neighbors when your dad is at work,” and vice versa, huh? Besides, this is the real world. A stranger ain’t gonna comply with your demands. Needless to say that big ol’ white daddy-o didn’t say shit afterwards when he heard me resuming my talk using my language. Hypocrite ass bitch. What's worse? Me for cussing or the park for selling beer and letting guests drink it freely and openly anywhere in the park...in front of and around kids? Which is gonna scar the kid more in the long run and send him mixed messages, huh? Dumb ass motherfuckers, man, I tell ya.

After eating, we hit up Dolphin Plunge, the main attraction of the park since you get to see the Commerson’s dolphins there. That line was insanely long. 1 fucking hour wait. And the sunscreen was wearing off so the sun was beating down on us hard. There was no shade, no outdoor fans or mist, no tv’s or music, no side entertainment. Just a long ass line that was barely moving and a hot ass sun that was unforgiving. Luckily the line crosses over Loggerhead Lane, their actual tube-based lazy river. We were peepin’ the hoes in the joint, getting cleave and crotch shots. Problem was, the talent pool was pretty lame.

You expect a waterpark to be crawling with hot bitches, right? That just wasn’t the case here. Since this park is more catered to families, there were mostly moms here and not the best looking ones either. I’d say it was 95% raggedy lookin’ bitches. Saggy or no tits, tats and tramp stamps, flat asses, guts, moles, sunspots and melanoma, varicose veins, hair in all the wrong places, bumps, stretch marks, ugly faces, sunburn, skinny legs, and it was cellulite city in full effect. Not what we were expecting at all. Another 3% was only halfway decent. And the remaining 2% consisted of the fuckable bitches who were either underage or lifeguards. Not a good ratio. There really was only two chicks that stood out amongst the horde of defective female genes and they were both employees. One was a lifeguard, the other was a petite cashier. They both had faces to die for. I’m talkin’ really, really cute. Covered in my cum, they’d look that much better. But they had really skinny bods and that’s fine. I can work with that. Skinny chicks can take more dick. Or so they say anyway. Haven’t had the pleasure of bangin’ one yet. The keyword here is ‘yet.’

With a talent pool as deep as a puddle of rainwater on a sidewalk, we just focused on getting on the ride. When we got up the stairs, we got a little shade and some breeze. We finally got to the top. Nice view. If you’re expecting a fast ride, lower your expectations. It’s slow and I think that’s by design so you can see the dolphins through the tube. You can keep your eyes open the whole way down. There’s no splashback till you exit the ride. And the chances of seeing a dolphin are pretty slim unless you slow yourself down like one little girl did. The main attraction wasn’t all that attractive to me.

Wanna know what else ain’t attractive? Pimples. They’re nasty as fuck, ain’t they? Especially them big ones, filled with puss, oozy, are big and noticeable, and hurt to touch. Whether on your bod or your face, pimples suck. If they’re on your private parts then I got news for ya buddy: those ain’t pimples! Wanna know what sucks even more? Popping pimples. Hurts like watching a skateboarder get a compound leg fracture sometimes, don’t it? What’s even grosser than that? Having someone else pop your pimple for you. Even grosser? Having that person do it in front of a crowd of people. Yes, believe it or not, on 2 occasions in the damn line, we saw a couple guys getting their body pimples squeezed and popped by their gf’s or wives. One couple was below us on the stairs. The other was right in front of us and we had to see that shit right in our fucking faces. Fucking disgusting. Some people have no shame. Use better body soap and drink more water, you nasty fuckers!

Right next door was Loggerhead Lane and Tassie’s Twisters so we hit that up next. It was midday and getting a tube for the Twister ride was difficult. You had to be lucky and hope there was a spare floating around or straight up gank someone. We did some gankin’. To get on the Twister, you have to float halfway around the Lane and bring your tube up with you to wait in line. Pretty unique but during the busy hours, a traffic jam ensues. If the waterway was an artery, people would be the cholesterol clogging it up. You have the option of single or double tubes. We chose double.

We floated all the way around first though, checking out the Fish Grotto (an aquarium along the course of the ride) and dolphin viewing area. It was here that we realized that there was an Australian theme to everything. Kookaburra signs everywhere and a guy with a really shitty Australian accent letting you know what’s going on in the park, tips, and rules and shit. The funniest rule being that lifeguards won’t look at you directly if you ask them something since they need to keep their eyes on the water. Maybe they got complaints that the lifeguards weren’t very service oriented and had to create that shit. You know what, if you can’t swim in 3 feet of fucking water, then you deserve to fucking drown.

We got on the Twister and it’s similar to WNW’s Disco H2O. I’d say the best part about it is the end and I don’t mean that to be insulting. Shit, one group of girls was screaming so loud on the ride, everyone was laughing at them. They sounded like they were being ass raped by a big, black prison lifer with no lube. Like they were terrified and in excruciating pain and shit. By this ride? It was just ridiculous. Once you exit, you’ll either have a picture perfect landing or a crash landing like we did. What I mean is that you’ll either stay on your tube or you’ll flip like we did. We fucking flipped on that shit and it literally felt like an explosion of water. We weren’t expecting it at all and it really was a shock cuz we had no idea what happened or where we were. Then when we stuck our heads up out of the water and got our senses together, we was fuckin’ creamin’ over that shit. It was a fucking blast! Wanted to do it again and hope for a similar exit but the line was just too long. We already had waited a good 30 or 40 minutes.

We got hungry again and it was time to eat again since all that waterplay burned up all our energy and calories from the last meal. We hit the lockers for more sunscreen and then hit the Cook-out again. I didn’t sneak it this time. We had a different plan. He’d go in and get the food and pass some out to me through an opening in the bushes. I wasn’t the only one with that plan in mind as a group of young bucks was using that method already. It worked to a tee. I got 2 more hot dogs in my system and some ice cold water since they completely ran out of flavored beverages. They’re either gonna rethink the all-you-can-eat gimmick or they should be better prepared next time. This was the only place to take advantage of that deal btw. You can’t use that wristband in any of the other food joints or concession stands.

But here’s a bit of news I learned a couple days ago. They plan on using a prepaid wristband system that allows you to put however much money you want on it and you can use it to pay for anything, anywhere in the park. The advantage is that you don’t have to go grab some bread from your locker or get your money wet on the rides. And yes, there are some idiots who take their cash into the water rides. I know this for a fact cuz I found a buck in the Lane. Felt good to get paid to have fun even if I only averaged 10 cents an hour for the time I was there which is a higher wage than a lot of Asian countries earn. Hey, in this economy I’ll take what I can get. Imagine if I found a fat stack in that water. Man, shit…

There was only 2 things left for us to do: the wave pool and Whanau Way. We did Whanau first. It was slow and uneventful like every other ride but, like the Twister, the exit landing was awesome. This time, it catapulted me forward and I was sliding through the water like a water skier wiping out. There was no line for this ride and that was a big plus! So we did it again and it exploded on us like the Twister. Wouldn’t you know it, now there was a line forming. We got lucky. That was it for the rides so we hit up the wave pool. I was unaware until I started typing this up that it had separate names for each pool. On our way, we passed by the cabanas. Don’t have a lot of info on those but I did get some video. We went into Big Surf Shores since Cutback Cove was closed temporarily. It appeared to be the same exact thing to me with slight differences. I could be wrong. Both pools had timers to let you know the actual time and to countdown when the next waves would end and begin.

We could’ve went in raw but we chose to wear life vests to float around and relax since we’d done everything else the park had to offer. The deepest part is 6 feet and that’s the deepest area of water for any ride in the entire park. That’s kinda sad. We were just standing in the shit on our tippy toes with our heads above the water. I wanted depth but that just wasn’t happening here. Don’t rest your feet on the ropes! I got that warning from the lifeguard when I was chillin’ in the deep end. Would be nice if these waterparks had a diving area but I guess they don’t wanna take on the liability. I love diving and doing flips. 8 feet of water would be sufficient for that. We talked about how there should be an Extreme WaterPark USA attraction. The slogan would be, “You could die here.” Bring it on!

The waves were decently high and I even swallowed a small amount of the water by accident (yuck). Even got a mild case of swimmer's ear that's just now swelling down. Some dumb kid was actually punching the waves like he was in a fight with 'em. Maybe he'll learn how these things work in a few years and realize who really woulda won that battle. At this point, I realized I didn’t have many pics or vids so I ditched Dre and went out and about to as much of the park as I could to get as much content as possible in the time we had left, which was over 2 hours. We agreed to meet at the locker in 30 minutes after I left. I was on time. He wasn’t. Typical nigger. I wasted 10 minutes at that locker waiting on his punk ass. In that time, I coulda got a little more video and some more pics. Maybe even got on another ride since the lines thinned out close to closing. But I’m satisfied with what I got. But beware, too many niggers are notoriously late for shit…and stereotypes are based on truth!

I covered as much of the park as possible during my solo venturing. On their site, they say there’s supposed to be animal interactions throughout but I didn’t see anything like that. Not saying they don’t do that cuz they have pics of it on their site. I just didn’t see it anywhere. Closing time was approaching. I ran into Dre again and we agreed to meet at the lockers at 6. Late again. Not surprising. They don’t force you out like some places. They let you stay in line and get on the rides if you’re already waiting. And they let you take your time leaving. Stores stay open to get that last minute money. Honestly, I think 6 was too early to close. ‘Hour late exclusive’ would be a nice benefit but hard to enforce, I’m sure. It was still daylight and warm. They coulda stayed fully open for another hour, hour and a half in my opinion. But the late hours begin in the summer. And the crowd gets bigger too, so it negates itself.

I didn’t bother changing back into my regular clothes. I was too comfortable, fuck it. We went to Guest Services (which had a line, go figure) to exchange the locker key for the gift card and were on our way out. The parking lot ain’t far. It’s right there. No tram necessary. the I-Ride trolley bus stop was packed. Doubt everyone was gonna fit on one trolley and also doubt more than one trolley would show up 2 snatch ‘em all up in one swoop. Those bike taxi’s would probably make a killing if they were allowed on property. Maybe they are. Maybe they should wait out front, which isn’t that far of a walk, and snatch people from there. Let motherfuckers know their options. Shit, a bike rental service ain’t that bad of an idea either. Saves gas and time if you’re gonna be vacationing primarily on I-Drive.

Speaking of saving gas, getting in, waiting to pay the parking attendant, and idling is a waste. So is leaving the fucking place. I also don’t like when places build out, especially when it comes to parking. They should’ve built up and put a parking garage or two in place and used the remaining space for an additional attraction, most likely another thrill ride. Or something to keep people occupied in different areas of the park so people don’t congregate to one particular ride or another, making the lines so long. Or they just could’ve left it undeveloped which would be even better. I’m sure the homeowners on the other side of the wall wouldn’t complain about that.

We brought towels but never used ‘em. If you plan on visiting the place frequently and wanna relax at the pool or wherever, then I can see the point in bringing one. Other than that, I wouldn’t bother. Why pay all that money for a one time visit and all you’re gonna do is lay on your fat ass the whole time? Don’t make sense to me. A few other things that didn’t make sense were pregnant bitches and wheelchair addicts in the park. Um, you can’t get on any of the rides. Why bother? It’s impossible that you’d get your money’s worth on the visit. I don’t get it. I also didn’t get why a group of retards were there. Not the Down’s Syndrome retards that can still function like healthy people. There was a group of physically and mentally disabled people there. They needed help walking and getting in their wheelchairs, splashing in the pools, and getting around in general. One was in his own world, slobbing in the damn water while his attendant was splashing him with water.

I’m not a heartless bastard but I kinda doubt those retards knew what the fuck was happening to and around them. So I didn’t see the point in bringing them to a place like that. Granted one of their attendants had a set of knockers that I couldn’t stop looking at, but that’s time and money that could’ve been spent elsewhere for them. I’m very thankful that I came out on the higher end of the genetic stick and don’t have the probs that they and many other people have. But I’m also a realist. Those people wouldn’t even be able to remember the experience in a couple hours. They’re like human goldfish. Why bother? It’s a humanitarian thing to do, sure, and the families probably appreciate it too. But these people were so physically and obviously mentally disabled that I just don’t see the point in it. Hopefully their parents only had one kid and they were the first born. Cold, yeah, I know, but honest and real.

I'd recommend bringing some foot protection too. Some flip flops (which I lost somewhere, somehow and it's still a mystery where they are) or some aquatic Cudas like we had. I mention this cuz I saw way too many people walkin' around barefoot and when the sun was at its max overhead, it heated up that concrete to the point where most people on their bare feet couldn't walk or stand on it for any extended amount of time. They were complaining and running for a shade spot. Don't be one of those dumb asses and risk burning your feet up or getting some foot disease like athlete's foot or some shit. Then again, if you got some thick ass skin under your scaly hooves then you ain't worried about that, now are you?

We didn’t hit up the other restaurants or any of the shopping places, but I’d rate the park at 5 out of 10 stars. It was clean and new and some aspects of it were innovative and unique. Drinking water fountains were located throughout the park, yet sparsely, so you poor or frugal folk won't die of dehydration. For the most part, there was no in-park drama amongst guests and/or employees. Staff was clean, presentable (except for this one guy/girl lifeguard. It had tits and a female voice but we still don’t know what the fuck it was), and nice for the most part. But we did everything in one day, a short day, with plenty of time to spare. There’s a serious lack of thrill rides and those rides don’t provide much in the way of thrills. There weren’t very many attractive females. The lines for some rides were too long and the wait really felt like a wait due to lack of crowd interactivity and entertainment. In this case, the negatives far outweigh the positives. Did I have fun? Oh, you bet. But I didn’t get the hardcore adrenaline rush I wanted. Would I return? Probably not. If I lived in the immediate area and had an annual pass and time to spare…still probably not. Sorry.

Land usage wasn’t that great with the wide, long parking area. Ingress to park and egress out of the lot when it was closed was tedious and time consuming…and gas consuming too. Didn’t seem to be very well thought out or engineered. I wonder if anyone has ever did a study on how much gas is actually wasted due to idling in regular cars, not just semi trucks. I think it’s a pretty significant number. And you’ll be doing plenty of it if you don’t heed some of the tips I’ve given you. Do yourself and the earth a favor all at the same time. This is a family park first and foremost. Tailor made for families and young’uns. Slower, less thrilling rides and plenty of kiddie attractions to boot. I’d recommend this place only if you have a family with young kids. Older kids, like me, are still waiting for Extreme WaterPark USA.