Click here for a slideshow of cell phone pics from Halloween Horror Nights.

Yep, last night was one of those unforgettable nights in my life. Me and my friend (who shall remain nameless due to the shit we pulled off) already had tix to see Joel McHale at the Hard Rock Live at Universal Orlando last night. That’s the primary reason we went. I got there a little earlier than he did, about 7:20p (the show started at 8p), and was astounded that they were charging for parking since I thought it was free after 6p. I called him to let him know about this bullshit and he said it was probably because of Halloween Horror Nights. I rolled up to the booth and they confirmed that and said they’d stop charging after 8p. Fuck!

So I told my friend I was gonna turn my ass around and meet him somewhere close off-property so we could split the cost in one vehicle rather than us both pay out the ass. I told the booth cashier I wanted to turn around and he gave me an exit-only receipt that I had to show to the parking attendant. I showed the shit to the parking guy and he seem surprised and pissed that I had the receipt in my hands since according to him it’s something the booth cashier is supposed to put on my windshield. The cashier was a nigger after all; the parking guy was a cracker. So who’s right and wrong?

He directed me to the exit and I drove along an empty parking area I’d never seen before. At the end of it was a pet kennel. After that is a curve and once I got around that, I saw an opening to the bottom floor of the parking garage that turned out to be an exit. I thought it might’ve been employee parking or some shit. Regardless, I backed my car right into that shit but was confused as to where I was or where to park. So I drove around, even going the wrong way in a lane, to figure things out. I realized I was in the preferred parking area which costs a little more than the regular parking fee of 12 bucks. That’s when I tried to find a place to park as quick as possible. Problem was that I found myself kinda trapped where there were concrete poles in the way cuz I’d went too far down from the open space I was in before and making a U was gonna be difficult. That’s when a truck pulled in and went into the parking area with ease. So I followed, thinking it was just a regular vehicle.

Turns out it was security. There was a big enough opening between some poles and I went for it. But I made myself visible by doing that. Amazing that no other cars were around during this whole debacle until that truck. I drove around trying to find the least visible parking spot when one uniformed employee got out of the truck and yelled at me to stop. He had no clue I’d just snuck the fuck in. I asked him, “How do I get out?” since my car was facing the wrong way. He directed me to go through some cones into an emptier lot (the one I was in was full). I took his advice and made it look like I was leaving. I made sure him and that truck were out of sight and then parked. I called my friend to let him know what I just did. He left where we were gonna meet off-property and made his way to Universal. The line to pay to park was longer than when I was there. That gave us time to devise a plan so he could do what I just did. Can you believe he got there at 7:50 and the attendant still wanted to charge him to park?

Apparently the white parking attendant is wrong cuz his cashier was a spic and did the same thing the nigger did. Take that, cracker motherfuckers (j/k)! I was waiting by the pet kennel for him. While standing there, I saw just how close the area was to Kirkman Road. It’s like, right there. All you’d really have to do is hop a barbed wire fence to get into the area. But anyway, we communicated by phone and he saw me. I told him to keep going so it wouldn’t look all obvious and shit and I ran over to the exit and told him to drive slow so no other cars would be behind or in front of him and so that people exiting could do just that without him making himself visible.

So no cars were around at this point. He drove in, I hopped in his car, I moved a cone so he could get in, and he parked next to me, and that’s that. We found a loophole in their parking system and more importantly in their shitty security. So we saved a minimum of 24 bucks by doing that. Oh yeah, we were ecstatic and talking mad shit and laughing like a fuck but it was 8 on the dot and McHale started at 8. So we had to hoof it. We were both hungry and I had to piss. We didn’t make any stops till we got to the Hard Rock. Once there, the line was out the door and backing up the box office but they were still letting people in so that meant the show hadn’t started yet. Don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. Good that we didn’t miss anything, bad that the shit didn’t start on time. Guess they realized people were still pouring in so they waited. But that’s just a guess.

Fucking drunk motherfucker and his wife were in front of us. Naturally, the drunk wouldn’t shut the fuck up. Idiot was talking about how he drank a whole bottle of vodka and smoked a bowl before coming and he was smoking a cig while letting us know of his unhealthy lifestyle. His wife was smokin’ hot too. Why would she choose this loser when she could have any man on Earth? Shit don’t make no fuckin’ sense to me, man. And he said they had 2 kids. What the fuck? Ok, so the first one might’ve been a mistake, but a second one? Naw, that shit was planned. And he was thanking her for putting up with his shit during their relationship. She was quiet and calm but he was all over the place as if he had an IV attached filled with heroin.

You gotta do the standard security check and shit. They told him to put out his cig. He even offered us a square while waiting in line. No can do. Then they scan your ticket and in you go. Place was packed, mostly with hot as hell white girls. Some brought their dudes with them, also white. Me and my friend were even more of a minority than usual in this joint cuz we only saw one other black guy. Damn near everyone was drinking. We hit the pisser first then came back out looking for the grub spot. We fucked up and waited in line at the bar by mistake. My friend had a gut feeling we weren’t in the right place so he stepped out of line to look around and found the right place: a tiny little window serving food that had the prices of a convention center but the portions and quality of an outdoor rock concert. Shit was fucking pathetic but we were hungry. A tiny little angus burger with cheese cost 6 or 7 bucks. A goddamn hot dog cost 5 or 6 and was about as skinny as my middle finger and as long as the average white male penis. Fucking bullshit. And they serve the shit in giant plastic containers that had room for twice the amount of food that was in ‘em. What a waste. At least they take credit cards.

We were in row p, dead center. Great seats. The show started around 8:30. We were just admiring all the hot girls in the fucking place, man. They were everywhere. The rows were so tight when sitting that I almost tripped with all the food in my hands. I prefer aisle seats. That way you can just get up and go and you ain’t gotta worry about other people’s feet and legs. Fat, old couple came later and were a few seats down from us. Nice choice of seats, blubber butts. I had to play contortionist like everyone else and make room for them to stomp by. Rather than go to the seat and sit, they were talking with someone who was in their seats. Wasn’t a big deal and it was resolved but during that 30 seconds, the old man’s ass was right in my fucking face. Luckily, he didn’t fart. When they finally sat the fuck down, a guy in front of me asked, “Did you enjoy that?” I was like, “Nope. Neither one of them.” People within earshot got a chuckle out of it.

The show opened with some gay comic who was pretty funny. Didn’t come right out and say he was a faggot. He delivered that info in a punchline. Motherfucker was onstage drinking a bottle of beer (fitting right in with the rest of his alcoholic skin kin in the audience). He did his little 10 or 15 minutes and introduced Joel. People standing and applauding and shit (myself included) and for what? He didn’t come out until 5 minutes later making us all look like a bunch of knuckles. When he did come out, I wasn’t gonna stand up again but he still got his applause. I was so used to seeing him dressed up on The Soup that I was surprised that he came out in a long sleeve shirt and some tired, ball-hugging jeans. Looked just like a regular guy off the street. The damn people in the audience were dressed better than him. They were more smart casual with some hoochie blended in. So if you’re gonna go see him perform, he doesn’t bother looking the part for you, you don’t have to worry about doing the same for him.

For the most part, everything that he says on The Soup is what he talks about. That, his family, and his experience in places he’s performed. The very first thing that came out of his mouth was, “Oprah’s va-jay-jay.” The crowd, and myself, went nuts cuz that’s one of the funniest skits ever from that show. My friend even caught him using an exact joke from the show in his act but it was all good. Funniest thing to me was when he was talking about his cheapskate dad. Later it would be confirmed that Costco actually does sell coffins. And I shall say no more. In retrospect, I could’ve brought in my pmp and recorded the full audio from the show but it never crossed my mind. And they said no cameras so I left mine in my car, but people were snapping pics with their phones (as expected) but I’m not a monkey see, monkey doer. I didn’t take the chance until he was wrapping things up so if they kicked me out, it wouldn’t matter. The one pic I did take didn’t come out good so I scrapped it. He says he’s married but I’m pretty sure all those bitches didn’t just show up to laugh at his material. He said he was gonna come out and kick it at the bar and take pics with people but we weren’t gonna wait on that. It was crowded enough.

The show was over and we stuck around peeping hoes and a light went off in our head: we could sneak into HHH. It was a bold plan but the night was young and so far so good. We hit up IOA first, thinking it was there cuz people were leaving but I remembered it was in the other park, not this one. We hit up the Sharp Aquos Theatre first to see what ins were available. The show was just letting out and too many people were around so we looked through a construction fence along the walkway entrance but the way in was too out in the open with too many eyes around. So we went to the Universal Studios Florida exit and too many eyes there too. So we hit the USF front entrance itself and no spots there either. We even went to the side of the park. No way in. Too many people, too much security and cops. During our walk, we found some change on the ground that someone clearly didn’t wanna carry around anymore. They must be loaded to just toss money aside like that. Or they were drunk and fell and weren’t paying attention. We snatched up what we could and all that did was make us even bolder cuz we took it as a sign. If we never walked around like we did, we never would’ve found that money.

I devised a plan to get in through the back of the Hard Rock since it was dark and no people were around. The gate was open before but now it was closed. That meant fence hopping or finding another way in. We decided to give the Sharp Aquos another try but now the employees were leaving, the walkway was closed off slightly, and there was a security guard there. So we waited, thinking they’d all leave soon enough but that didn’t happen. During our little wait, we saw the couple from the Hard Rock line in the distance. This time the bitch was plastered, wobbly, and barely able to stand and the guy was the calm and quiet one. At this point, it was safe to say that they deserved each other.

Our only option was the back of the Hard Rock. Good thing we’re niggers and were wearing dark clothes. Employees were still leaving the Sharp Aquos which wasn’t far from where we were. If we weren’t careful, we could’ve easily been seen. We managed to hop the gate as if we were being chased by cops in Cali (cuz that’s the training ground for fence-jumping niggers) and waited a bit for employees and security to leave the area. In between people leaving, we made some moves. We wanted to be able to cross the Theatre and go into a staff entrance on that side. But that meant being in the light, out in the open, and risking an employee seeing us. I saw a nearby closed gate and suggested we hop it cuz it’d take us to the back and, from there, we’d be home free. My friend peeped it and it was clear. There were even some big trash containers there to make jumping the gate easier. The coast was clear and he made the leap. One second later some cops showed up.

They appeared on his side of the gate, not mine. I was just sitting there in the dark watching him walk right past them po-po. They didn’t say shit. They just kept on walking like nothing happened cuz they didn’t see him make the jump cuz there was a wall there and they didn’t clear it till literally one second later. As soon as his feet hit the concrete after the jump and he made a few footsteps, that’s when the cops appeared. They must’ve thought he was an employee since some of them were walking around later on. He was free and clear and walked to an area where he was out of sight. He even pretended to be on his phone when he really wasn’t. So I was stuck on the wrong side of the fence waiting for the cops to jet.

About 5 minutes later, they finally did when they got in their cars and drove off. He called me to let me know the coast was clear. I didn’t need the trash cans to make the leap. I just jumped over as quick as I could and walked away casually. But I was out in the open. He was hiding behind a nearby construction fence that had some tarp on it that helped conceal us. But we weren’t in the clear yet. We were right back there where all the Universal employees do their shit. We were even walking next to some of them and nobody knew shit about what we just did. We even passed right by the security hub, guards all over the place, and no one said shit. Finally, I saw a haunted house and a way in. We were gonna go for it but he suggested we walk all the way around and use stealth rather than just leap in. So we walked around the guard hub, passed by cop cars galore, warehouses and golf carts whizzing by, the employee cafeteria, operations buildings and meeting rooms, and at last, we came to that magical opening. But it’d look weird if 2 plain clothes motherfuckers just waltzed in past the cops, employees, and guards at the haunted house. Our rescue arrived in the form of the haunted house character actors and actresses.

A whole group of them already made up and shit came out of nowhere from an alley and walked in a line in front of us towards the haunted house. Apparently they work in shifts and it was their turn. We followed and were right behind them, blending in. They stopped and so did we when we got to the haunted house. We just casually walked past them and blended into the line and no one said shit. At that point, we just went ballistic, laughing our asses off and slapping hands and shit. We did it! We clowned Universal for free parking and free admission to the park and HHH which saved us an additional 70 bucks a pop plus tax. Idiot was bragging to someone in line and didn’t even give a shit. We got in the haunted house, went through it, and came out of it, and that’s when we really knew we were home free.

So here we were, a couple of niggers that just pulled off the seemingly impossible, inside this park full of hot, liquored up hoes (some of them jailbait) and had 3 whole hours to piss away cuz it was 11p now and the park closed at 2a. The haunted houses sucked as we knew they would. They’re only scary if you got a bitch with you or if you’re a chickenshit. Bitches were screaming at every turn and some guys were just being obnoxious assholes ruining the fun for others. What was fucked up the most is that employees were in plain sight inside the houses as you go through them. I understand they do that for security’s sake, but damn man, that shit just made the whole experience not seem authentic. A motherfucker’ll be in a room filled with corpses and shit and as soon as you walk out, high school student Alan is there standing under a light with a smile on his face. C’mon man, gimme a fuckin’ break with that shit. They might’ve been wearing all black but goddamn man, lose the lights…or put a nigger there instead. Put some shades on him and tell him not to smile. But seriously, a tinted window, a two-way mirror, something to make them out of sight and out of view.

The houses could’ve been scarier. The main scares were just people popping up in front of you from behind hidden or dark areas. I would’ve had motherfuckers getting chased like Evil Dead 2, people coming out of the ceiling and floor, out of inanimate objects like The Ring, a little more motion simulation, better timed sound effects, increased visual effects (like a real blast coming from a gun) people getting locked in rooms and shit, and even people getting lightly grabbed on the arms, neck, or back. All that could’ve been done but they don’t wanna assume the liability of people really fearing for their lives, employees being harmed, unhealthy people suffering from whatever as a result of the attraction, or sexual harassment to name a few. I don’t remember what house it was, but the only cool moment in a house was when I passed through what appeared to be a haunted redneck bar and a guy hidden behind a doorway waved me to come towards him. I thought that was the path to follow. That motherfucker came from behind that shit with a shotgun and pointed it right at me and the fake gunshot sound blasted through the speakers. I thought that shit was cool and funny cuz I got suckered into that shit.

Some houses were completely empty and that actually makes it more fun as opposed to walking in a line with a bunch of idiots. Walking through one of them alone or with a few other people means you have no idea what’s coming. But with a whole group of motherfuckers, they pretty much give away any scares coming your way. On this particular night, an express pass would be a complete waste of money cuz there was practically no wait for any house or ride. With this economy period, I kinda doubt any night is gonna sell out. When out on the street, there was beer and merchandise on every single fucking corner. They were gonna capitalize on this shit as much as possible. The employees were probably pissed if they weren’t getting paid a shift differential.

I hadn’t been to Universal for a couple years. I was surprised that T2 was still there considering the tv show and the 3 new movies coming out. Bout time for an upgrade in a few years. The only thing new for me was the Simpsons Ride, Shrek 4D, and Disaster. The last two were closed but I’d finally get my chance to get on the Simpsons cuz I’d heard all this shit about it. Don’t get me wrong, it was fun, but it wasn’t this super spectacular ride everyone says it is. I liked the writing better than the ride but you gotta pay attention. If you’ve been on Back to the Future, it won’t be much different except I think they’re utilizing more 4D tech cuz they used splashes of water and mist as smoke in appropriate places during the ride. We only waited about 10 minutes.

I’d been on the Mummy ride before but wanted to hit it up again since the houses were a total bore. Unfortunately, they ran into “technical difficulties” and the line wasn’t moving at all. My time is too valuable to just sit there and hope it comes back up like the rest of those idiots that waited for it, so we left. There was a magic show going on in an auditorium but we missed the last showing cuz we did Jaws. We skipped out on Bill & Ted to do MIB. Shit, we walked into MIB and there were 5 people waiting inside. We thought there had to be a line somewhere but those people said they were the line. Awesome. I’d been on it before but we just had to live the night up cuz everything was running so smooth. I got 101,350 points (have no idea if that’s good or bad) and no certificate or prize or anything to show for it. Thought Universal was all about the guest experience?

The help ain’t much of a help from an experience I had at one of their restaurants. I was thirsty and needed something cold down my throat. The menu had ‘Gold Peak Tea’ on it and I wanted to know what that was. I assumed it was iced tea but needed to know for sure. I asked the idiot food server what it was and she looked at me like I asked her what e=mc2 stood for. Moron probably didn’t even know what 1+1 is which may explain why she wasn’t on the register. She even had to step from behind the counter to look at the menu item to see what it was cuz she claimed she had no clue what the fuck I was talking about. Turns out it’s nothing more than an iced tea brand and the fucking dispenser was right in front of her stupid face. Clueless ass dumb bitch. I got a large sweet black tea with very little ice. Turned out to be a shitload of tea, mind you, and I had a hard time swigging it all down. But I’m not wasteful so I managed to finish it. But back to the restaurant. I got my tea, the cashier rung me up and I asked if they had any discounts, like Florida resident. Dumb bitch didn’t say shit. Or AAA since they had a ‘show your card and save’ sticker on the door. Fucking cunt still didn’t say shit but she knew how to ring up my fucking credit card.

Gotta love how Universal has the hiring practices of movie theaters. They’ll hire anyone in any condition: retard, cripple, super morbidly obese, geriatric, amputee, don’t matter to them. Long as you can cover your shift without medical assistance, you got the job. They’ll even hire motherfuckers who don’t speak a fucking lick of english either and I suspect that was the case with little miss cashier. You can’t speak english but you can count American dollars and cents and sort them by denomination? Fucking please. I’ll bet the registers of people like that are always short at the end of the night. And now you know why you don’t see them when you return a few days later. This is that turnover statistic that no one talks about. Now you know. On a different occasion in the park, I asked a street sweeper/cleaner or whatever their corny job title is where an attraction was and he just mumbled some shit. Didn’t point, didn’t refer me to another nearby employee, he just pretended to speak coherently. And to him, he probably was. That’s what’s fucked up. How the fuck did they fill out the application? Bet their friend or family member did it for them at a kiosk. The interview? I ain’t even goin’ there. So much for that guest experience. And if you show your card, you don’t save shit. That’s even more fucked up. What you gonna do about that, AAA?

On one occasion, we walked across a bridge and noticed that we were the only ones on it even though there were people everywhere. We were just talking mad shit while we were on that damn thing, all hyped up, talking shit bout what we just did to get in. How we got in free and everyone else paid. How we got free preferred parking and everyone else had to pay for regular parking. Only lasted about 10 seconds before the herd came walking through but we took advantage of it. All night, we were just telling random people what we did and told them our nicknames. Mine is Yung Meevy aka Yung Meevy Meev. I just rolled up on people, tellin’ ‘em, “My name is Yung Meevy. Remember that.” Just stupid shit like that. And nobody was trippin’ either.

The street entertainment was pretty good. Even met an acquaintance and his gf there. He had the nerve to tell us he was more scared in the houses than his girl! Probably just kissing her ass to get that brokeback (sex with no restrictions of any kind). There was a group of actors with chainsaws running up on people and scaring the shit out of kids and girls. That shit was so awesome and funny, you could just sit there and watch them cuz it was so entertaining. They easily had the best job in the joint. Other actors would get right up in your face for a second and walk away; so close that you’d think they were gonna kiss you. I told one motherfucker, “You need some Dentyne.” Was just trying to be funny, not rude. But I know those actors gotta have thick skin cuz we heard one actress get cussed out by a rowdy group of young adults. She’s just trying to get paid like anyone else and it’s all themed and in good fun. At the same time, they knew they could talk their shit and get away with it cuz the characters had to stay in character. One character (white guy) rolled up behind me and said, “Hey, boy,” all southern slave-driver style and shit. I was like, “Ain’t that grounds for a lawsuit?” He was dressed in confederate gear by the way. All in good fun.

There were some very dark areas, lots of misty areas, there was even a costumed midget surprising and scaring the shit out of people. There was a witch high up on a pedestal that talked directly to guests walking the streets. There were people swinging from wires over them too. Some costume designs were pretty elaborate. The costumed stilt walkers were cool except for one idiot who was crouched over talking to a friend of his. Kinda sucks away the authenticity. There were two really cool moments though. One was at this really misty themed area. There was a zombified old lady in character that was pregnant. I said to her, “How long has it been, 7 months?” She said, “9. Remember?” suggesting that I was the one who knocked her up. We got a huge laugh out of her quick wit. So just so you know, they do interact and talk with you but if they’re doing their job right, they stay in character.

The other cool moment was towards closing time. There was a group of zombies dressed in orange prison clothes carrying machetes, knives, and butcher knives and shit. One bitch was petting a dead, skinned dog. Then all of a sudden a guy on a megaphone rounds them up in a circle and they put on a routine. He told them what to do, and they did it. It was like Resident Evil 3 and shit where the zombies still had some intelligence left. They danced, growled, snarled, roared, jumped, and other shit and then at the end of the routine, they lunged at the audience. They were slow moving, swiping at people, and growling in your face but no matter what, they stayed in character. Some even stopped for pics but were still in character. Minus the one idiot, some of these people kept it professional. One zombie bitch clearly had a body on her underneath those clothes. I’d nail her…

The only thing that would’ve made the night perfect was a piece of pussy but hey, can’t win ‘em all. The value of HHH? I’d say a regular price between 40-60 bucks is fair so they’re not jipping or gouging anyone (excluding food and drinks), I’ll give them that much at least. You get what you pay for although I think every major thrill ride (fuck the shows, the kiddie shit, and the lame shit) should be open and they should have some HHH themed characters embedded throughout and in the line (if there is one). We got to see some good comedy from McHale (although there wasn’t a whole lot of cussing during the routine), got free parking, and got free admission to a major event at a major theme park owned by a major corporation. What that means is that their security and some of their procedures suck so many elephant balls and I proved it.

Call it an exception all you want, but I still pulled it off in grand fashion. A company of that size with that much money with all that security crawling all over the place and we still did that shit. They should be absolutely ashamed of themselves. Yeah, I’m telling the whole world what I did. Was it a crime? Sure. Dishonest? Sure. Trespassing? Sure. I didn’t break shit but I did enter. You could say I stole something but it’s intangible. Did I videotape it like a YouTube or MySpace idiot? Fuck no. But always remember that I’ll tell anyone and have always told everyone that I’m an opportunist. Opportunity was sitting right there in front of my face like a clean, disease free, shaved pussy; speaking to me, telling me to come on in and get a taste. I’m smart and physically fit enough to do what I saw could be done and I did it (word to the wise: have fit friends). And I’d do it again and I will do it again if/when another opportunity arises wherever it may be.

Couple of things you need to know about Universal that you probably don’t know and no none has told you cuz they don’t know either: Every water fountain has warm water. By law, they have to have free water available but that don’t mean it’s gotta be cold, and it’s not. The first fountain I drunk from had warm water. I assumed that one was messed up and hit up another and that one had warm water too. I tested several more throughout the night and they all had warm water. Maybe their system was fucked up and affected everything or a better guess is that they want you to buy the bottled water if you want something cold with no syrup, no flavor, and non-carbonated. Packaged food weights on grocery store shelves are decreasing, restaurant portions are smaller, and now this. They’re gonna get you one way or the other. The second thing is that the rent-a-cops are moonlighting from their day job as Publix baggers. I tell ya, these motherfuckers were so old and decrepit you had to wonder what the fuck they could possibly do if push came to shove. They can’t chase you cuz their knees and hips would fracture. One broken down, old ass motherfucker was in a motorized wheelchair on the fucking clock. I kinda doubt the battery would hold out and the top speed on that thing wouldn’t get the job done. That radio is their best fucking friend. Gives them some good practice before they finally decide to buy that Jitterbug.

What if someone from there is reading this? What if they review their video records? What if some anonymous person forwards this to their attention? Guess what? I don’t give a shit. They should take this whole thing as a learning lesson. That they have some problems that need to be fixed and I’m letting them know about it and they didn’t pay me a goddamn dime to do it. That money I found doesn’t count either! They should be thanking me, if anything. You’re welcome. When we got back to our cars, a chick asked us if we had some cigs. We said no. She said, “That’s too bad, they’re good for you.” Um, yeah, right. What’s more important: a pack of cigs that does absolutely nothing positive for you or a tank of gas that costs damn near the same that can take you someplace you want and/or need to go? This new breed of poor people are pretty easy to spot these days. No wonder she had to ask.