Let’s start out with last Wednesday. Me, Andy, Dre, and his brother Andrew went to Icon to see Sander Kleinenberg. We went in separate cars. Me and Andy in his car. Dre and his bro in theirs. A portion of downtown was blocked off and we had no idea why. Parking was a fucking bitch and we drove around a lot more than we wanted just to find a spot. We ended up in the parking garage across from the downtown library. From there we walked around to check out the scene. That’s when we found out what the fuck was going on down there. It was the annual pre-thanksgiving street party. Who the fuck has shit like this the night before thanksgiving? Just another created event to get people’s money.
The ratio was fucking on point. About 5 girls for every guy. And all of them were hot…and white! First thing we did was walk over to Icon to see if Sander was gonna be there for sure and how much. I asked the security guy how much and he said 15 bucks before 11. It was already after 11, so we were screwed on that…so we thought. More on that later. Then I asked him who was playing. Idiothead was like, “Uh…Uh…” Fucking moron said he couldn’t pronounce the name. What the fuck are you working there for and you can’t even fucking tell people who’s performing, jackface?! Talk about sales and marketing. That’s when a guy that was going into the club told us who it was. He pronounced it perfectly. We just needed to know for confirmation so that we weren’t wasting our time.
After that fiasco, me and Dre got hungry so we dipped into a pizza joint to get some grub but he suggested this place down the street called the Pita Pit instead. I never heard of the place but he said they had good, cheap food. I’m open-minded and always down for something new, so I gave it a shot. The cheapest thing on the menu was a falafel. I only heard about the thing from an episode of Less than Perfect where the main characters were creaming over them, but here I am about to taste one. Dre convinced me that they were good, so I got it. The chic who made my sandwich asked me what I wanted on it. I had no clue cuz I never had one before, so I left that decision up to her.
I got almost everything on it except spinach roots or some shit like that. Dre got those things on his falafel and said they were good. I asked the “falafel artist” to let me try a sample and she did. They fucking taste like shit. It was like eating grass right from the ground. Thus the name spinach roots. How apropos. The way they were making them, I thought it didn’t come with meat, but they did. And it was actually pretty damn good, too. I’d eat another. Reasonably priced and it fills you up.
Then we walked around a bit more and slid up into Icon for the show. It was around
Still, it was a great set. Lots of good house music spinnin’, man. And I love my house. The bartenders were fucking smokin’ but they had the lousiest service of any establishment I’ve ever been in. I went to the second level for some water (cuz I don’t drink) and had to wait 10 minutes and the bartender still was nowhere near able to take my order. So I said fuck it. Went downstairs and it was the same deal except I had to wait longer. Michelle met us there and wanted a beer and I was already at the bar, so she gave me some dough to get it for her rather than wait. Smart move cuz these girls were hot yet slow. Andy had to wait for his drinks too, and he was complaining about it. He went to school for bartending so he knows how it’s supposed to be done. I can’t completely blame the bar girls though. Gotta blame Icon for that one. You bring in a world famous dj, you should expect a lot of people. And there was a shitload of people there. That means you should have the bar covered with enough people, too. There were more security guards there than bar staff and there wasn’t a single incident that went down. Where’s your priorities at Icon? Public safety is one thing. Makin’ that cheddar is another and you just cost those girls a lot of tips, jackasses.
I walked around a lot to check out the scene…and the girls of course. Just like earlier on the street, there was lots of ‘em. The ones that stuck out the most were the girls on the stage. A goth chic was totally raved out. Another chic was an obvious seasoned raver. She had water and glow sticks intact. Andy’s girl (some blonde chic that he thought looked good) couldn’t dance for shit. All she did was wave her hands and look at Sander the whole night. You could tell she was a groupie. There was a black chic in leather platform boots (all kinds of meat on her) that could dance her ass off; better than anyone in the whole fucking club. That bitch could move, man. And she was hot…literally. She was dancing so much that she was sweatin’ like hell. Now that’s what you call a workout. She was with some fucking scrub, old ass, balding, white motherfucker that couldn’t dance a fucking lick. How the fuck did she fall for that guy? Must be her sugar daddy or something. Can’t hate on him though. He pulled himself a hottie even though he can’t shake his moneymaker worth a goddamn. Mad props.
But there was one girl on that stage...man, this girl was one of the hottest girls I’ve ever seen in my life. I saw her the moment we walked in the door up there dancing. Andy and Dre caught her a little later. She was practically another groupie, just shakin’ her hips and waving her arms looking up at Sander the whole time. But man, this girl was “top shelf” as Andy describes her. The bitch had the face, skin, figure, body, clothes, tits, hair…she had it all, man. No flaws…except for a tattoo on her lower back. She lost some points with me on that. Not a whole point. Just fractions of a point. Enough to keep her close enough to still being a 10. Andy said she saw her with a guy; maybe her boyfriend. That kinda sucked cuz if I woulda caught her alone somewhere, I woulda had to say something, man. I took some pointers from ol’ Raj from the Apprentice: if you see a hot girl that’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, you have to say something or you’ll regret it forever. I’m telling you man, that girl was just too fucking perfect.
Here’s what’s fucked up about everything. As the night progressed, it turned into a sausagefest. I could see the ratio turning out of our favor. It finally hit me when there were more guys on the stage than girls. Then I saw a guy dancing so femininely. I was like, “What the fuck is going on here?” I looked around and I realized that the place was teeming with meat mongers. That’s another reason why we left. Scoring opportunities were long gone. When we left and got on the street, it was the same deal. Fucking faggots everywhere. Fucking idiot Dre didn’t realize the place was swimming with gayfers till we told him. Hot, young, black studs like us were their chum. Thanks for catering to their needs, Orlando. You roll out the red carpet for these literal cocksuckers, but you roll out the blue and red lights when niggers wanna do shit. Fuck you.
We did a last walk down to
Me, Andy, and Michelle parted ways with them so they could carry out their plan. We were gonna leave and went up
First, the one security guard was being a jackass; taunting motherfuckers on the street in front of cops. They didn’t say shit to him. Then they go easy on the spic. Probably cuz his bitch was a cracker. A female bike cop grabbed him hard and gave him a warning to calm down or go to jail. Then the cops sat all of the drunk fucks down and let ‘em walk. You know they were talking shit when they walked away, too. Especially the girl. They just let ‘em walk. Right in front of me. I couldn’t believe it. It was fucking hilarious, don’t get me wrong. But I’ve seen niggers get stuck for less serious shit than that. Fucking racism, man. I live in such a wonderful city, don’t I? Fags and racists. Now there’s a good mix.
The fun don’t stop there. While all that shit was going down, some guy walked right through it talking on his cell phone…with a bloody ass face like he just got in a fight and got his ass kicked. It wasn’t even Halloween and we were fucking laughing our asses off, man. How’d they let that guy just pass them by with his grill all covered in blood? And he just walked by all casual and shit like no one would notice that…talking on a fucking cell phone no less. Fucking funny as hell. Then when me and Andy were leaving, we passed by this group of homeless bums. Here’s the dialogue of one of the bums as we walked by: “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You wanna take a piss in the street?” We were like, “What the fuck is he talkin’ about?” The fucking drunk ass homeless bastard actually said the blah’s. I ain’t makin’ this shit up. We were fucking dying laughing on the way home.
Crazy shit like this always happens around me. For this reason, I’ve come to learn that I need a fucking camcorder to share this shit with people. I did my research and the one that I want is a JVC Everio GZ-MG50. These are the first ones on the market with a built-in hard drive. I gotta have one. I’ll wait till next year to see if the prices come down or I’ll wait to see if any competitors join the fray. Or I’ll wait for some kind person out there reading this to make a generous donation so that I can get one. Or maybe someone out there would like to simply buy it for me and send it as a Christmas gift. That’d be great. ‘Tis the season, right? I’m such a fucking loser, ain’t I? I was gonna save to get it eventually, but that’s gonna be kinda hard to do now.
Why? Cuz I got fired Monday. After a weekend of getting stuffed full to capacity at Golden Corral, I went in Monday and the boss sat me down and told me they were letting me go cuz “I didn’t fit in.” Who the fuck did he think he was, Martha Stewart? I was fucking laughing on the inside. Numbnuts wanted to shake my hands after that shit. Asshole, you don’t shake hands with someone you just fired for bogus reasons, you dumb fuck. But he was right. I didn’t fit into that black, ghetto bitch atmosphere. I already saw the writing on the wall cuz he was getting on my case for small shit like, “You need to say thank you in every call. Say the person’s name. Say good afternoon.” Where was this bullshit coming from?
Yet the chickenheads that work there clock each other in and out, leave the job on the clock, come in hours late routinely, bring their kids there to stay for the whole shift, claim reservations they didn’t make, and a lot of other shit that’s a lot more important than me not following script each and every time. I was like, “Whatever.” What pissed me off was that the fucking bald, 4-eyed fuckbrain didn’t call me when he knew he was gonna fire me to save me the time that I took to go to work that morning. I coulda still been in bed sleeping. I know some of you motherfuckers are saying, “Well, it’s more professional to bring a person in to fire them.” Fuck that bullshit. This is Florida. Employment is at will. You can fire a motherfucker at any time for any reason. Although their reasons were shit, it’s the timing that got me pissed. If I know I’m gonna fire somebody, I’m gonna let them know right away, “Hey, you’re fired.” I’ll do it Donald Trump style.
I ain’t gonna be like these motherfuckers that let someone finish out their work week or get the labor out of them for that day and then fire the motherfucker. I’m firing your ass for a reason. Why keep you around longer than necessary? Let’s do the shit and get it over with as quickly and painless as possible. Fire me over the phone next time, not in person. Don’t waste my fucking time! I was gonna quit that shit anyway, so it didn’t even bother me at all. I was kinda happy cuz now I’d have some time at home to get things done for the week and next week I’d start job-hunting with more passion than now. Thus is the life of an unemployed student. It sucks (not all the time though) but what’re you gonna do?
A bitch called in and talked to my supe and wanted a room for herself and her two 50 pound dogs. When she was done with the call, my supe just came right out and said that she thinks the lady wanted the room to have sex with the dogs and videotape it. Then she talked about how her and her husband came across this bestiality video on the net. She said when she saw it she couldn’t believe it. She was disgusted by it and never knew that people fucked their pets. She said, “I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw how that dog was on top of that lady; fucking her like she was a goddamn female dog. I couldn’t take my eyes off of that shit.” Ha. How ‘bout that shit? All I have to say is welcome to the real world.
You see how people think once they’ve seen something like that? The lady might just love her pets in a non-physical way. But oh no. Once you’ve crossed over and seen it with your own eyes, that’s it. You never view the world the same way again after seeing some big ass great dane fucking and humping away at some white euro bitch doggystyle with his 9 inch pecker. Putting it all the way in to the knot, filling her pussy with his doggy sperm, and when he pulls out (if he isn’t stuck inside of her), his fucking dog cum spills out all over the place and then she goes down on him; sucking, jacking, and licking his big swollen pink dick while he busts in her mouth and all over her face and body so none of the nut goes to waste. If you’ve never seen a dog-on-girl vid, this is how it usually plays out. You get used to it after a while.
The last funny moment at this fucking place was when a guest called to make a reservation for some luxury resort in the
Andy said last week’s Impact was the best one ever. He said it was good from top to bottom and that’s saying a hell of a lot! So from his review, I made it a point to go last night cuz I was expecting a fucking excellent show. What I got was the usual bullshit. It started out with a tease. Worse than when you think a stripper’s gonna give you more than just a lap dance. When we got up in that motherfucker, the ring ropes were made of barbed wire. We were going crazy just by the thought of there being a barbed wire match that night. Instead it was just a fucking face off between Abyss and Sabu in the ring. That’s it. When it was done, the crowd was chanting, “What was that crap?” Aptly said.
Then the ring crew came down and took 10,000 years to take down the barbed wire and set up the ring ropes. Add that to Borash talking and talking and talking for what seemed like 50,000 years and I’m surprised my ass ain’t dead, ancient, and mummified. He needs to change his name from Borash to Boring Ass. No one would be able to tell the difference. Then came the segment with the White Sox. It was nice to see Heenan again (he was loving the weasel chant). We saw him outside while waiting in line, but I didn’t really think it was him cuz he was so skinny and old-looking. But it was him alright. I was the only one who recognized Dale Torborg in the ring, too. Just shows how much he’s forgotten by the fans. And with good reason. The only thing good about him was his wife.
Simon Diamond interrupted and down came the Diamonds in the Rough; one of the worst gimmicks in wrestling history. Elix isn’t a loser. Simon most certainly isn’t a loser. David Young…well, he’s like the Joey Maggs of TNA. Simon cut a great promo. Just showed how good he is on the mic. Everything else about it sucked. Sonjay, AJ, and Sabin didn’t even get proper ring entrances. Again, it just shows how fucked up the booking is in TNA. All the flashy lights and pyro still won’t bring you to the bigtime if you don’t know how to be bigtime. And they don’t. I really don’t like how Simon and Elix are being used. Elix’s character could be further developed by giving him mic time and a good feud, and Simon could be a contender for the world title in my book. The fans really didn’t wanna see anyone from the White Sox in the ring cuz after that bullshit with that NASCAR driver, any outside sport lost props with us. Simon’s promo was one of the few good moments of the night.
Alex Shelley’s new gimmick was funny, too. I don’t know where they’re going with it or even what the hell it is (he videotapes his and other wrestlers matches), but it’s still funny. TNA introduces a gimmick and doesn’t even explain what the fuck it is or even give Shelley mic time to do it himself. How fucking stupid. I finally saw Christian Cage for the first time. He cuts good promos, but his work rate and his look aren’t all that impressive. His match sucked, he tried to do his finisher way too many times, and he isn’t in the best of shape, either. Having said that, the guy is still way over with the crowd. But do you really think he’s capable of beating Monty Brown? Really capable? C’mon.
Jeff Jarrett just proved how much we hate his ass. We don’t hate his character. We’re not booing that. We hate him as world champion. They need to get that belt off of him and onto someone else and keep it off of him. I’ve never in all my years of attending live pro wrestling events ever heard a crowd boo someone like that before. You couldn’t even hear a word he was saying on the mic. Him and the higher ups still can’t get a clue that we don’t want him as our champion. They keep stuffing him down our throat. He always wins. Even with that wack finisher. Get him outta here already! Still, I don’t want Rhino to win the belt. Not with his current sappy ass character. If he went back to his ECW gimmick, then I’d fucking love him as the champ. And then they could turn him heel and everything would be all good.
4lk. I’m calling that shit out right now. Gunn is gonna turn heel at the ppv. Look how they got the guy. Braided hair, fag t-shirt, and his new catchphrase, “I’m Kip James, bitch!” Yeah, the crowd really loved that one. Maybe that explains why it was so silent after he said that. Quit bitin’ on Chappelle’s shit, man. “Suck it” got over. I’ll give him that. But he’s better than that and I know that shit ain’t his idea. That’s TNA’s bullshit. That shit was totally fucking lame. I not only want Gunn to turn. I want Killings to turn, too. I want Konnan to turn. I want BG James to…I want his ass to get lost is what I want. Who cares about that wigger, anyway? Except his old ass daddy who showed up for some reason. Killings was at his best when he was a heel champion. Konnan is a great heel in Mexico. Gunn is world championship material. And Konnan even said he hates the 3lk gimmick. So why prolong the agony?
Raven’s house of fun match was anything but that. Zbyszko said he had a surprise for Raven. Someone from his past. Here’s the laundry list of people we thought it was gonna be: New Jack, Tommy Dreamer (both by a longshot), Sandman, Billy Kidman, Sean Waltman (who was backstage), Perry Saturn, Van Hammer, and Blue Meanie. Instead we got the fucking Diamonds in the Rough. Yeah, Simon is from his past but they never feuded. They just happened to have wrestled in the same organizations more than once. You all know how I feel about Raven and this match was no different. It straight sucked prostitute pussy. Even though he bled and he went through the table right in front of us, it still sucked. What a fucking disappointing match. A gimmick match no less. I still think the sport needs more, but not of this kind.
Sabu and Abyss did their standoff two more times. The third time was a total waste of airtime. The second time was exceptional. They fought outside and Abyss hit Sabu with a chair wrapped in barbed wire and then he choke slammed him onto a pile of security railings. Fucking shit was awesome. What I didn’t like was that more people didn’t follow the action like some of my crew did. Only 5 of us went outside to follow them and then this short little tightwad security guard said the line of the night: “Seriously though. You need to back up.” We kept running with that one all night cuz it was so stupid and funny. Like I haven’t been to matches that make that skit look like an ‘80’s jobber match. Gimme a break.
Last night was like Icon. Way too much security. You know, that fake ass security that TNA has that started in WWE and WCW. All of them are a bunch of marks and can’t-cut-it wrestlers. If you watch the next 2 Impacts, you’ll see these motherfuckers in almost every segment. They just wore down the card and made it seem like they were pointless to even have around. Talk about overexposure. Other dumb shit was the squash match with Samoa Joe and Amazing Red. More like Amazing Dead. Cassidy Reilly came out to help Raven. That’s what he wanted to do anyway. More pointless bullshit. The fucking guy was actually a good heel at one point. But TNA got to him. Kenny King, some nigger (Nick was the only person who recognized him) who I thought was another jobber (he proved me right) jobbed to Abyss (how bout that?). They’re the new career killers in my book. Look at Simon, Elix, Cassidy…and Lance Hoyt.
That’s right. Lance Hoyt. When he was with Kid Kash, he was one of the better heels there if not the second best behind Kash. We looked forward to seeing the two of them. They were practically our reasons for going cuz they were that good. Now look at him. Relegated to Xplosion matches. That’s TNA’s version of WCW Saturday Night. Then there’s Matt Bentley. Another career killed by TNA. He was in a great tag team with Kazarian. Then he goes and loses to a NASCAR driver. They did the right thing by putting him back with
We all hit the Ale House and I stuffed myself to capacity again with their quesadillas. On the ride over there, me and Andy were talking about something and then Shawn just jumps in with a question totally unrelated. That wasn’t the funny part. Andy’s reaction is what had me fucking rolling. He was like, “Dude, what the fuck are you talkin’ about?” And he just kept harping on it. I can’t even remember the specifics cuz I was laughing too hard. We’re the only ones who know what happened in that car and it was insane funny, man. You just had to be there. That’s why I need that fucking camcorder! Fucking Dre didn’t make the show and everybody was askin’ where the fuck he was cuz he said he’d make it. I told them all that he’s a nigger and we’re always late. He’ll show up. He never did. But he was at the Ale House, though. He said he had to work late. There’s the keyword right there: late.
We didn’t realize until after we started eating that we didn’t have napkins and silverware. The waitress totally lost her tip for that. We told Dre about the car incident and we were all fucking dying, man. Then I asked him if he watched the Boondocks. He said yeah. I told him to tell those cracker ass motherfuckers we were sitting with how fucking funny that shit is and he could barely do it cuz the show is so fucking funny that you can’t talk about it without laughing. You see, Aaron? I’m getting white folk to watch your nigger ass show, NIGGER. It was Michelle, Andy, and Shawn on one side of the table and me and Dre on the other. Talk about segregation. The whole crew was in effect though. Even Yapo’s late ass came through in the end and he ain’t even black. It was a good time. I was so fucking full, on the way home I had to get some rest in the back seat.
Top to bottom, huh? Here I was expecting a repeat of the last shows and all I got was a repeat of the shows prior to those. TNA sucks. It really does. I avoided that shit like a 12-year-old trailer park girl yearning for some nigger cock and they just validated my reasons for doing so. They don’t understand the concept of quality over quantity. I’ll still attend the ppv to see that barbed wire match. I hope they don’t fuck that up, but I’m sure they will. Then Friday we’re going to pww up in Sanford; mainly to see Teddy Hart. Ain’t seen him since he was jobbing in MLW. He’s going up against Roderick Strong one-on-one. I’m hoping this will be as good as AJ vs. Roderick from a few months back. I’ll keep you all in the know. In the meantime, enjoy the new look (and address) of the site. I’m getting more affiliates for you to have a good selection of goods, so take advantage of the freebies and discounts while they’re here. Only one month left to shop, remember?
