The official website of Melvin L. Clermont since 2005.

Attending a video game auction, celebrating the Vietnamese new year, shopping at a flea market, and having fun at the Monster Truck Jam at the Citrus Bowl in Orlando all in one day on 1/30/2010.

kow626 — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 00:12:48 -0500

Click here for wallpaper shots from the Monster Jam.

My friend told me about a video game auction several months back at the Fairgrounds. I met up with him there at that time but only stuck around for a little while just to see how things were done. Next thing I know he’s got an arcade version of House of the Dead in his garage and he only paid around 300 bucks for it. Since then, now that I know I can get an arcade game on the cheap, I’ve been keeping tabs on these auctions and finally attended one for the full duration. Got there early (which wasn’t necessary at all) since he said to meet him there early but he showed up late. I tell ya, people have proven to be so unreliable, for the most part, I just do my own shit now. I don’t even consult with people anymore. If there’s something I wanna do, I just fucking do it. Don’t really care if anyone is with me cuz I have fun on my own either way. Late equals lame.

The only thing you’ll really need is a long 3-prong extension cord and a long computer power cord to test the games before you buy them. And a driver’s license to register if you plan on bidding. I think if you win, there’s a 15% fee on top of the winning bid, tax, and you got 2 hours after the end of the auction to get your game off property. Lots of games I woulda got if the bid price was low enough but cats was either out there overspending cuz they ain’t know no better or they were plants to drive up the bid price. I thought Cruisin’ USA was the game I wanted but after playing California Speed, that’s what I know I really want now. It’s faster, better graphics, more tracks, and has steering wheel feedback. There were two of them there, both in damn good condition. I just happen to have room in my heezy too. $300 was gonna be my top bid but cats beat me out with $350 and $400. Ain’t tryin’ to go broke over no arcade games when I got a huge tv and a PS3 at home.

See, my friend sees things my way. Get all your entertainment at home and you ain’t gotta worry about going out and paying all that money for shit when you can have it all in the comfort of your own home. Our plans are the same. Air hockey, pool table, and arcade games. He’s got 2 of the 3 already. I’m waiting patiently for the right opportunities to arise cuz I ain’t impulsive. The other part is tv. Mine is a 67 inch 1080p 3D LED DLP. His is about a 90 inch projector. I got hdmi so my computer, PS3, and DirecTV are hooked up to it with full surround sound and high speed net. My DirecTV account number is 69864007. Sign up for the service under me and I’ll split the referral bonus with you. Just email me to let me know when you’re done or if you need more info from me.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; nothing will ever replace a good night out at the movies. But why pay all that money for a large screen and big sound when you can have it at home? I still got my eye on California Speed for next time. If you just wanna play some free video games, it’s a good spot for it. Hours of free fun for you and the kids but keep in mind it is an auction. People are there primarily to get the games for recreation and business purposes, not to mooch. But if you’re gonna let your kids play a game, try to set a good example by letting them shoot zombies and aliens instead of bear and moose.

During the auction, we heard some firecrackers going off. It was the Year of the Tiger Vietnamese New Year’s celebration going on next door. We dipped in for a bit and saw all the food and fun but had to get back to the auction. After that was done though, we hit up the nearby flea market. Nothing worth a shit going on there except mostly a lot of worthless junk and some cheap, lame porn dvd’s that caught our attention more than any of the actual dog lookin’ ass women there. Didn’t buy a damn thing and we wanted to sample some Viet culture and cuisine so we went back to the pavilion where all that was going down.

Man, I tell ya, a lot of them bitches was on point. Even the old ones. They wasn’t fat, titties wasn’t too big or too small and shit, they was just right. Ain’t see all them nasty tattoos and piercings, makeup wasn’t excessive, dress wasn’t slutty, hair wasn’t overdid, it was like them women looked just like a woman is supposed to. Just the right height and weight proportions, the right skin, the right hair, a lot of them was slammin’, man. I like that shit. Couldn’t understand them worth a shit when they was speakin’ that gibberish ass language of theirs though. Shit was crackin’ our asses up when we heard them talk. Couldn’t help it. That shit is just too funny. Prolly make a nigger hard as fuck when he strokin’ one of them and they moanin’ the same way, I bet.

They had a play area that they was chargin’ 10 bucks for kids to go into. Anyone could go backstage and peep the various talent which was mostly kids. We only got to see a martial arts display though. We was focused more on the food and that took up half of the joint. The other half was seating to view what was going on onstage. Before, me and my friend drove off to hit up an ATM since there was none on property cuz they only took cash inside. While I was at the auction, he went and got some food. I tasted some of his. It was good to my taste buds and cheap according to his word. When we was immersed in it, we sampled a lot of the things we could recognize and that were in budget.

I learned a long time ago, if I don’t recognize the animal part, I ain’t eatin’ the meat. If something looks too exotic, I’ll pass. Presentation for a lot of the non-meat items was tight but I really just wanted to get my carnivore on. A vendor gave me a sample slice of meat she said was pork, another she said was chicken. Both tasted and were presented the same. If she ain’t say shit, I woulda never knew. I got a chicken wing for a buck and that was the biggest damn wing I ever seen in my life. Tasted good too. At first, chick said it was 4 for 5 bucks. I told her I just wanted 1. She said she couldn’t do it. Walked my ass away and guess who’s chasin’ me down with a changed mind? You know who. What idiot would refuse money these days? She made the right choice. The wing was cold so I went to another vendor to heat it up in their microwave then ate it outside where they cook everything. Women did the sales inside, mostly men cooked outside. And oh yeah, them slants love they cigarettes. Just glad they wasn’t smoking around me or my food.

I’m allergic to shellfish and one vendor went out of her way to cook me up some fried sweet potato without the included shrimp. There were some Americans there too but it couldn’t feel more like being right smack in Vietnam than that place. It was crowded, the food was authentic, people were short, and it looked like a third world marketplace in the cooking area in the back. Being single, finding a chick that’s down for all the shit that I’m into or willing to do is extremely difficult to find. My homeboy is in the same boat. That’s why we do a lot of shit like this together since no one else is ever down for the new experiences. Most people live in a routine and are stuck in their comfort zones. Not me, that’s for damn sure. A video game auction, celebrating Vietnamese culture, and peeping a run-down flea market all on the same day within walking distance of each other. Gotta love it, regardless of the cold and light rain.

We went home, caught some z’s, and prepped for the Monster Truck Jam that night at the Citrus Bowl. He initially wasn’t gonna go but since other plans failed, he was down. It was already on my books so I was going solo if I had to. Nothing stops me from going out and having my fun. I had free tickets to ride inside of a truck but we got there too late for that. Tix actually sold the fuck out. I didn’t believe it when I heard it but when I got to the box office, it was true. I figured in this economy, there was no way a sell-out was possible. But since we were surrounded by rednecks, that told the story. They came out in force. He thought there’d be drama but it was all love. One guy yelled out nigger (not at us) for the hell of it and my friend was offended. But for me, it was completely expected and all wood. I believe in freedom of speech and expression. Besides, we were cracking jokes about them all night long and they were everywhere. They say their shit, we say ours. Nathan but love.

Won’t even get into how rundown that piece of garbage stadium is. No back support, bathrooms ain’t that private (cat in the pisser next to me looked straight down at my dick while I was letting loose), junk food central, lack of well-placed escalators, not a lot of walking room, they allow smoking anywhere on premises, it was just a disastrous work of construction from the get. We talked about all this smoking bullshit. He convinced me that if places like bars and pool halls banned smoking all the way around, business would actually increase. I believe that now. There’s some places I don’t go cuz I ain’t trying to get a whiff of that second-hand smoke. Some people wonder how they got cancer. Some of it is environmental. What sucks is that the rednecks smoke around their kids and babies so I knew I was looking at the next generation of Marlboro men and women and healthcare nightmares. Sad.

As for the show, the most eventful thing was at a vendor station where a lady and her hubby complained that their lemonade had no taste of any kind and they paid 5 bucks a drink and they wanted their money back. I thought it was kinda funny. But since they disrupted my turn in line, that made me and my homey late to see the motorcycle stunts that took place after intermission. I’ve never seen dirt bike type shit in my life with my own eyes so that was disappointing. It was a fun time though, that’s for damn sure. Women? More than plenty of talent but most of them were either jailbait, had kids and/or bf’s/hubbies or were smoked out, drunk, and undesirable. There’s always the exceptions though. Just didn’t see many of them.

The Pounce truck got the most heat cuz either the vehicle was lame, the driver was inexperienced, or both. That motherfucker was green as fuck. 2 good moments though. One, the Maximum Destruction truck was robbed of a victory over Grave Digger. Two, the buckedup.com driver in the minivan female driver race was also robbed due to unforeseen obstacles. I was rooting for another driver but she sucked so bad I jumped on the bandwagon. Would I attend another truck jam? Sure, but I wouldn’t pay for it. We ended up paying less than everyone else actually. A scalper gave us a helluva deal: 2 tix for 30 bucks. Damn good seats. They were pre-printed online with his gf’s name on them so he had to walk us up just in case there were any issues. There were none. Just walked right on in just like anyone else. Security was weak. No pat downs or metal detectors that I can recall. No video recording equipment allowed according to signage but we all know that’s bullshit now, don’t we?

Parking was ridiculous as usual. My friend showed me a spot a few blocks down from Mears down on Rio Grande where you can park free. It’s a good walk but hey, who couldn’t use the exercise? Otherwise, we’d have had to come out of pocket 10-20 bucks. FURK DAT! Going to the stadium, 2 white teen girls with their peeps playing some loud as hip-hop in their big-wheeled truck were trying to get people to pay to park in a lot that was really free and some sucker motherfuckers fell for it. Ain’t like they was showin’ off a lot of skin and using their sex appeal to the max. On the way back to the car after the event, two jit white bitches were smoking, no doubt drinking before, littering, unsupervised, and using words like “hoochie man” in their small talk. My homeboy made a comment that them crackers wouldn’t even have that word in their vocabulary if it wasn’t for us niggers. And you know what? He’s right. Them bitches was just feeding that white trash stereotype. We concluded that event was the only reason rednecks had to leave home and come into the city. I’ll give them one thing though: they support theirs. And them viets do the same. We felt completely welcome into these cultures and that’s what it’s all about: unity and diversity.

Quick review of the 2009 Jeff Peterson Memorial Cup in Brooksville, FL on 11/20/2009.

kow626 — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 21:07:58 -0500

The vid is of Egotistico Fantastico and Scotty Vortekz; Egotistico is doing the rail jumping. It was the only match where something happened in the crowd. They were supposed to be repping CZW. Wouldn’t say they did their organization too proud. No pics (none worth taking) but I did some tweets while I was there.

1. jeez man. brooksville is WAY da fuck out here. took me a while 2 get here 4 da jeff peterson cup. tix r $15. parkin is scarce.

2. i parked in da grass. no other spots. da armory is located across da street from a fuckin prison! i mean literally! no shit!

3. its a jpc show but fip signage is evrywhere. furk dem! milo beasley had 2 do a do over win comin 2 da ring since he kicked da trophy over.

4. 1 guy walked out of da photo of da jpc contestants win dey was all in da ring. dont know if its storyline or real. 1st match was green.

5. 2nd match was much much better. damn good match. shoulda been da opener, not dat green ass bullshit dey gave us.

6. intermission time. show is underwhelmin so far. tag team battle royale finish sucked. only 1 good match so far. prolly not doin da 2nd nite.

7. btw, jpc last nite sucked. not doin da 2nd show. @ sum church function in downtown orlando 2 feed da homeless. its new 4 me n i was nvited.

As you can tell, I wasn’t thrilled with the show. Won’t say it totally sucked as it had its moments. But that’s not a compliment. Brooksville really is a million miles away from anything. Long ass drive from where I live. Took about an hour and a god damn half but I didn’t get lost so I ain’t complaining on that front. Only things out of the ordinary I saw during my drive were a big ass self-service ice vending machine that people could walk up to like an ice cream stand or roadside food vendor and a 3-lane left turn lane. The ice vending machine would actually be a good money-making, franchising idea. Given the right location, it could turn into something big like the dollar dvd rental biz in my opinion. Cuz you know them alcoholics would be regular visitors. Never saw a triple-decker turning lane before in my life until then. I’m impressed a tiny town like Brooksville would have their roads future-proofed like that yet Orlando’s roads are still cro-magnon and littered with potholes that do more than talk like the one in that Geico commercial.

The armory it was held in wasn’t well lit. Actually, the shit wasn’t lit at all. Just like the drive through the woods along the way, it was completely dark. You’d have no idea anything was going on there if you drove by it. I rolled up in that bitch and couldn’t find a parking spot for shit. Saw the wrestlers outside by the back entrance shooting the shit so I knew I was in the right place. I found a lone spot off in the cut in the grass, so I took it.

Got my ticket and was informed that there was a PWR pre-show. I didn’t really give a fuck cuz I knew I wouldn’t like the shit. After taking a piss, I met up with some peeps I ain’t seen in a while. I did fly solo, by the way. They informed me that the pre-show totally sucked, which I already had an inkling that it would, and that each match had a different referee. Um, okay. My main reason for coming was because I’d never seen or heard of damn near any of the announced talent on the show before and they were doing a different format this year. The 2006 JPC was one of the best live shows I’ve ever seen. I was expecting something similar. Didn’t happen.

First match was only significant in the fact that Marion Fontaine’s gimmick is memorable. Of all the talent and matches this night, this cat stuck out cuz he did almost everything right. He came out and worked the whole crowd (which was less than 100 people deep). Even though he wasn’t in any kind of shape at all, he has his own look. God damn guy looks like Jesus Christ and he had a reverse tramp stamp (it was on his stomach). And his gear was mostly yellow and the back of his tights had the face of a fucking Care Bear with a mustache. We was like, “What the fuck?” And he had the Batman symbol on the front of his boots. What the fuck?

The guy looked corny as hell but he got himself over, I’ll give him that. Ring skills weren’t completely bad but the match as a whole was just green as fuck. Both guys looked like newbs. If the guy packs on some muscle like his opponent and gets some more mic time, he might go somewhere. One of the guys I was sitting with was totally infatuated with him. Interpret that how you want. The next match with Gargano and Jones was really good. Shoulda been the opener.

And then there’s the Silas Young (who’s ‘official’ website is massively out of date)/Dave Cole match. Nothing special at all about either of them, really. But Mr. Young’s entrance was quite memorable in the fact that his ring music was Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” and he didn’t come out until after a good two minutes into the damn song. The fucked up part about it all was that young kids knew the lyrics! Amazing. And, of course, when he came out, he got a pop. There’s delayed entrances and then there’s delayed entrances. I understand getting the timing right with the song but damn, man, this was ridiculous. But it was one of those unforgettable moments. Had to be there to appreciate it.

The next match with Brad Attitude losing was totally forgettable like almost everything else that would follow. I will say this though: Shane Hollister looks a lot like Nick Kroll from The League (funny as hell tv show). Fans should start a new chant when he comes out: “Ruxin, Ruxin, Ruxin!” The tag team battle royal had promise but the finish was a fucking joke. The promise I mention was DCFC came in and was clearing everybody out easily. Then The Shane Twins came in and it was some damn good brawling and mat-stomping between the two heavyweight teams. I was totally into it. Just as things were getting really good, it went south as both teams eventually got eliminated while other teams that weren’t worth shit got over. It was about here that I wasn’t much into the show anymore. Already paid my dough so I was gonna get all my money’s worth, especially after that long ass drive. I was told early on to blame Gabe Sapolsky for any bad booking. I hereby blame Gabe Sapolsky for the bad booking.

Due to garbage matches just before and after intermission, my peeps and I were just shooting the shit about everything that was wrong with the show and the biz as a whole. Here’s something I’ll bet not many other people said about this show: the food sucked! Cold Domino’s pizza and warm beverages. How fucked up is that shit? And then they was charging 2 bucks for the pizza and a buck for water that I could get around the corner in a fountain for free and cold. Just fucking ridiculous and poorly run.

Heard a lot of yap about Davey Richards being the top indy star in the country and shit. Um, I don’t think so. The guy ain’t got much for charisma and you’re gonna need that to get to the next level. There’s more to wrestling than just wrestling. Too many motherfuckers forget the entertainment aspect of it. The booking style was just like FIP and ROH. Gee, what a surprise there. High spot after high spot after high spot, near fall after near fall after near fall and that shit gets really old really quick. It’s a JPC event yet there’s signage for some other promotion plastered all over the place? Stupid. You hold the event out in the sticks in a small building and surprised at the turnout? And the next night, it was gonna be held in Crystal River which is even further away from a population center. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

These fools still believe in this dvd model. I don’t see how someone could bear to watch that boring ass bullshit with damn near every match looking exactly the same. I know I just couldn’t do it. That booking style is just not at all entertaining. Whoever booked in ’06, bring their asses back! JPC needs a boost from somewhere since the people that run it clearly don’t have a clue how to properly promote the shit. They can say the shit was successful, the boys can talk about how good a time it was (and for them, it may have been), fans can front like it was such a damn good show (and if they think it really was, they’re newbs), but the reality is that, based on that first night, the whole thing was a total wash. Mostly shit matches, shit booking, shit location, shit attendance, and SHIT concessions. Another part of the problem was that most of the talent had the same style of wrestling, damn near the same look, and practically no gimmick. Not many differences in most of those guys. I’d like to think in their respective promotions that they do better than they did here but dammit, I can’t tell. Unless the booking changes for these shows in the future, count me out.

People can say it’s for a good cause but seriously, if anyone really cared, wouldn’t they have showed up? First and foremost, this is a pro wrestling event. Fund raiser second. Combine the two and you’d think it’s gold, right? We all know the answer to that one and it ain’t the right one. Something’s gotta change here. I never knew or ever even seen Jeff Peterson wrestle. Sounds like he was a great guy and well respected, but shit man, if you’re gonna use his name, do the guy proper justice. It ain’t just about him. It’s about people with his condition and it just so happens he was a pro wrestler. Why this event isn’t bigger than it is, I just don’t get it. Like I said before, something’s gotta change. Oh, and the security guard told me no videotaping. Obviously I ain’t listen to him. Any publicity is good publicity and these idiots don’t even see that. Fuck them dvd’s!

My experience at Busch Gardens Tampa on 11/14/2009 via Twitter.

kow626 — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 13:51:29 -0500

My experience at Busch Gardens Tampa on 11/14/2009 via Twitter.

Click here to view the pics.

1. was @ embassy suites on spectrum dr in tampa 4 free breakfast. dey ask 2 c a room key but i lied my way out of it. jus so u know. b careful.

2. in busch gardens now. been here twice alredy but got a free pass dat xpire dis yr n i aint bout 2 waste it. parkin is $12. dey take credit.

3. doin da serengeti safari truck adventure 1st. neva did it b4. $33.63 total 4 base tour. deres 2 others dat cost more.$3 off wit annual pass.

4. dat tour was good. got 2 feed a giraffe. 1 of em hates cameras n was takin swipes @ peeple on da truck wit its big ass head. wasn't me!

5. only here 2 do wut i aint did yet but still gonna yuck it up. montu is pretty weak imo. lockers cost 50 cent. no line 4 anything here!

6. lol. was in line 4 da skyride but dat shit broke down wit people still on it. sucks 2 b dem. great opp 4 sex or a bj though! no1 can c u!

7. jack hanna n rhino rally out here 2day. neither was last time i was here. wasnt xpectin it. glad i came win i did! waitin 4 rhino rally now.

8. wow. white folk realy do call dey kids by dey ful name win dey mad n yellin @ em. 1st time im hearin it wit my own ears rite in front of me.

9. rhino rally moves fast so aint many good photo opps but da driver is hilarious. mine's name was biff. go figure. warning: u could get wet!

10.was bout a 10 or 15 min wait 4 rally. only got 2 c da backside of da rhino cuz it was chillin bhind a wall. ride is free so dats cool!

11.damn. jack hanna only fit 857. da seats fillin up fast. im in da back middle. no obstruction. hopin 4 a good sho. his shit is usualy funny.

12.shameless facebook n twitter plug on da screen. i jus wanna follow a toilet cuz i gots 2 piss! gotta hold it cuz i dont wanna lose my seat.

13.jack hanna was good. lots of animals i never saw b4. educational 2. he does autographs after da show but i dont care bout dat shit.

14.now dats furked up. jungala is a kids attraction. the wild surge ride is like a small scale doc doom. lots of activties. jus not 4 adults.

15.great photo opp ruined by kids! a gibbon was rite in front of me thru a window. lil dick danglin rite there n sum kids asked me a question!

16.shit is jus fucked up, man. all dis fun shit @ jungala 4 kids. wut da fuck dey think, adults dont wanna do dis type of shit too? bullshit...

17.dont jus hav kids 4 welfare, eic n food stamps. hav dem lil mofos 2 hav access 2 deez kid areas n rides. shit jus aint rite. IT AINT FAIR!

18.fuck it. got on dat wild surge. keep in mind its 4 kids! deres tiny areas only a kid can fit n2 here but u know I DID DAT! dont giv a FURK!

19.damn teen in a wheelchair arguin wit his mom cuz he wanted 2 crawl n2 1 of those tite spots. lol. shit was ridiculous. she won dat battle!

20.kids will absolutely luv jungala, no ? in dat. im out here lookin like a damn pedo but FURK DAT! tryna hav my fun 2! now on 2 other shit...

21.fuckin guy nxt 2 me talkin on da phone called obama a communist. u know wut color he was. old lady pronounce jungala 'jungle gay lie.' jeez.

22.peeple out here sleepin n tired n im full of zest. lol. look thru glass is clean @ da top, fingerprints all ova da bottom. damn kids...

23.old fat smoked out bitch squatted down like she was pissin in public but she was pickin sumthin up. big ass couldnt get bak up w/o help!

24.other obese couple was strugglin 2 make it up da aviary walkway which is steep. n da guy was pushin a stroller! baby musta been adopted...

25.critter castaway show was aight. fully scripted w/ musical routines. not my cup of tea but da animals were entertainin. + dere was CANKLES!

26.WOO! dat gwazi is dat shit! 40 yr old guy i talked 2 earlier said it was 2 ntense 4 him. FURK DAT! not me! luv it! tiger is closed though.

27.damn man. deez fat murdafurkas is a trip. fat bitch couldnt unstrap herself from gwazi. how da hell she fit in da seat? ez in, hard out...

28.shiekra only has 2 big drops but its good. cat said da end seats r da best. ill do it likedatdere nxt time. ridin in da back 2day.

29.1st time doin a coaster @ nite. nice n cool 2. dont remember kumba bein so fast. n it roars! did it twice in mid n bak cuz aint no lines.

30.phoenix was aight. scorpion is fast but short. got a lil dizzy on it n kumba. was tryna avoid da water rides but furk it. stil got time 4 1.

31.fuck it. where im @ by da time i walk ova 2 dem 2 water rides, park'll b closed. dats it. im audi. did it all minus those but i did dem b4.

Had to act quick on that video. I’d just got off Rhino Rally, I made a pit stop cuz people were feeding the elephants, I heard someone talking about what one of them was doing, I saw the rather impressive piss stream, went into video mode as fast as I could and got what footage I could get. The one I’m zoomed in on when the vid starts is the one who was pissing out so much that it coulda filled up a goddamn bathtub. I thought that was it but then the other one started going. Hey, I got what I could for those of you that are into that sort of thing...

I wasn’t gonna waste free admission to Busch Gardens. I had other options with other people this day but chose to fly solo and have my fun. Good choice cuz it was an interesting trip. Lotsa stuff was here this time that I’d never done before. Got my free breakfast and got to the park about an hour after it opened. Had I gotten there at opening, I woulda been able to do the water rides with time to spare. That equates to being able to do every single thing an adult with no kids can do in the park. They were open 9a-7p. The temperature was cool in the morn, sunny and warm in the afternoon, and cool again at night. No rain to ruin the buzz. Basically, it was a perfect day for a theme park. And this time of year, the rides are open season. So you can do everything with time to spare or do some rides twice, which I did. You got kids and shit, not so much. But having a kid with you entitles you to a little more access and fun as has been explained in my tweets about Jungala.

I’d been to BG twice before and got rained out twice before. Thus having to do it twice to finish it all up. This time, I was gonna do the new stuff and the stuff I hadn’t done before. The safari tour was first on my list. Some people had reservations. I didn’t. But I still was able to do the first tour along with them being that it’s the slow season and all. You choose which tour you want (there’s 3), sign up and pay (they take credit), they give you a reservation time and ticket, you be where you’re supposed to be, then you’re good to go. Starts off with an intro from the tour guide and driver. Then you walk over to a storage locker to put away your big, clunky shit that you don’t wanna carry around. Don’t worry, it’s free and secure. Then you walk over and board the back of the truck. I thought it was a sitting tour but you’re standing up in the back the whole time.

Plenty of photo opps. Like many theme parks now, hand sanitizer is readily available everywhere. You’ll need it after touching, petting, and feeding those big ass giraffes. First time I ever did anything like that in my life. It was great. Those things are fucking huge. Lotta good meat on them. Wonder if they serve giraffe in any restaurants? No doubt they do somewhere in the world. Probably in China cuz those motherfuckers will eat anything! The tour guide provides you with lettuce to feed the giraffes. They have their own photographer too. Don’t know how much they charge for photos but they do charge something. I advise you to bring your own cam and get your own pics and vids. No charge for that. The people on my tour were nice. One guy offered to take my pic with my cam cuz BG employees ain’t gonna do it for you. They gotta make their dough.

You only get to touch and feed the giraffes on the tour I went on. The other ones might have more opportunities with other animals. I have no idea. The rest of it is more along the lines of sightseeing and info. The tour guide encourages questions and she answers them nicely. No drama and she’s informed. At least mine was anyway. Lasts a good 30 minutes. Worth what I paid in my opinion so it wasn’t a waste of my time or money. After that, my plan was to hit up Jungala and then hit up all the coasters again before leaving. Saw the signs for Jack Hanna and he was there on that day so no way was I gonna miss that. Passed by Rhino Rally too. It was free. Both were treats cuz they were totally unexpected.

Had no clue what Rhino Rally was but knew I was gonna do it once I found out it was free. Don’t expect much for photo opps cuz you gotta be quick to snap. The tour moves fast (7 mph). They don’t stop for long. It’s more humorous than anything. My driver, Biff, was highly entertaining and really fucking funny. Couldn’t stop laughing the entire time. Even when he stopped at a huge, festering pile of rhino shit that just happened to be right under my fucking nose cuz of where I was sitting. He said it was fresh squeezed daily just for us. The rhino itself was chilling behind a wall so we ain’t get a chance to see it full body. The tour turns into a mild water ride towards the end. I thought it was gonna be gangsta but it’s more of a cruise through the water. You can get wet from a couple of waterfalls if you’re sitting on the left side or the back row, but nathan ridiculous. I’d compare the humor to the Disaster ride at Universal. The ride is rough, the views are okay, but it’s very comedic. Don’t know if it’s totally scripted or if each driver can adlib their own shit. Either way, Biff killed it.

I slid over to see Jack Hanna live. Glad I got there early cuz that shit filled up quick. Had a good seat with a damn good view but some old bastard with his wife sat right in front of me and he was wearing a baseball cap that wasn’t snug on his head. I just let it slide cuz it wasn’t totally obstructing my view of the stage. An old lady sat next to me. They make it clear verbally and through signs posted everywhere that there’s no flash photography. This stupid old hag took a fucking flash photo! Then she hid her camera real quick. Bitch probably ain’t moved that fast since she was in her 20’s. Don’t know if she did it on purpose or by mistake but I thought the ushers were gonna come get on my case thinking that I did that shit. But there was no drama. I’m just glad the dumb bitch didn’t do that shit when the cheetah was onstage and spooked it. Wouldn’t want it to transform into a werewolf and slaughter everyone…

After that, I hit up Jungala. I’ve already explained all my feelings about that whole ordeal in my tweets. Nuff said.

I got on some more rides. The bumper cars was the longest goddamn wait of them all, believe it or not. Don’t know why or how but it’s true. I went to peep the Critter Castaway show too cuz I didn’t get the chance on my previous trips. It was a totally scripted deal and more like a musical than anything else. Would appeal bigtime to young kids. It was something different. Not what I expected, but different. Not saying that like it’s a bad thing. I was just expecting one thing but got another.

Other than doing all the rides again, only other real highlights were me getting a strawberry-topped funnel cake which was fucking delicious. Highly recommended! Especially if it’s still warm! Plus I met a chick that was a total dimepiece but I let the opportunity slide away and in retrospect, it bothered me that I’d do that. She was smokin’ hot, single, we had things in common, she was approachable, and she showed interest, but since I was already talking to other girls, I felt some sense of obligation to them. Keyword here is talking to. Nothing official, no sex. I was as single as a person could be and something like that was within grasp and I didn’t take it. In a way, I’m glad it happened cuz now I know even more of what I want in a woman and what qualities she should have or I should pay attention to if she’s into me. It was a total eye-opener. My dating behavior is totally shifted now cuz of this moment. If I ain’t committed to you and if there’s no real spark that would make me think we could be exclusive, I ain’t passin’ up anymore opportunities. I know a lot of single women talk to and date multiple men. They don’t feel any sense of obligation, and now, neither do I. It was a good thing that happened to me. She got away, but it was for the better.

Doing roller coasters at night is pretty awesome but if it’s too cold, not so much. That’s the main reason I passed on the water rides. Last thing I’d want is to be soaking wet in temperatures in the low 70’s. But I was willing to do it anyway. Gotta have my fun, right? Too bad it was late and the park was about to close. That might have saved me from getting sick later on. I had a great time all by my lonesome. Not as much nasty skin as I see in the summertime cuz the sun wasn’t blazing down. I wore my hoodie most of the time cuz it was still mostly cool out even when it was warm and I got a lot of stares for it. I was out there looking like the fucking Unabomber and shit. What can I say, I like it hot! I wasn’t in pain like I was after doing Universal. My workout regimen is keeping me nice and fit to handle all the miles of theme park walking. Only my front thighs were burning the day after. Other than that, I was straight. I purposely wore some heavy steel-toed shoes too. Like a pound each so that I could get some exercise in with my fun. It was a good time. Money and time well spent. Do I recommend BG? Of course! It ain’t obvious? Just make sure to go on the right day during the right time of year to take full advantage of the admission price.