Black Friday is today but in the wee hours of the morning is when retailers offer up their biggest deals of the year. For me, it’s just another day that just happens to be a paid one that I have off from work. I don’t need shit from these bnm stores so a nigger like me ain’t gonna be one of these fucktards waiting in a fucking tent in the cold to get a non-existent deal. Me and my homie were bored and decided to do a drive-by clowning at people waiting in line just to see what the fuss was all about. And it ain’t nothin’ glamorous. Tailor-made for idiots.

Here’s the real deal right here motherfuckers: All Black Friday is is a way for retailers to clear away all that old bullshit from their shelves that wasn’t selling otherwise. They do this so they can make way for 2008 inventory and shit that actually does sell and make money. More importantly, the scam they pull is to offer up only a few so-called deals and doorbuster items (quantity) as a way to get your dumb ass in the store and realize that that cheap shit they advertised has been scooped up already. Now you gotta buy something else for more money. It’s that loss-leader mentality. Lose a little money on some bullshit in the hopes of you spending more money on other bullshit since your ass (and your wallet) is already in the store.

Case in point: a party that shall remain nameless put me up on game about some people who were waiting in line at a Best Buy to get some laptops they advertised for $299 as a doorbuster deal. But guess what? The fucking store only had 4 to sell! So what did they end up doing? Buying a higher priced laptop. Bunch of fucking morons, man. And I’ll bet any fucking thing that them cheap ass laptops that the lucky (and stupid) asses in front got was outdated and slow as hell (not that the average consumer would know any better). ANY fucking thing! Fucking doofballs! Waiting all night into the morn for some old ass computer. Dumb bitch, you ever stop to think why that shit was on sale for so fucking cheap? You stupid piece of shit!

Another fucking thing: what the fuck are you waiting in line for when you can get your fucking shit online for cheaper? And you can find out the fucking deals ahead of time. All you gotta do is type in ‘black Friday’ in a search engine and right at the top are gonna be some reputable sites that’ll tell you all the fucking deals ahead of time. Do that instead of wasting your fucking time in some long ass line trying to get some shit that ain’t gonna be there by the time you step your lazy ass foot in the fucking door, you dumb fuck! Imagine that shit: “I can’t wait to get that laptop for so cheap. Ain’t gonna cost me nothin’ but one check too.” You fucking tard. Baited your fucking ass and flipped the script on your pussy ass.

That’s how they do that shit and I ain’t hatin’ on retail cuz if they can get away with it and sucker motherfuckers are swallowin’ up the bullshit that they’re feeding, more power to ‘em. I’d do the same fucking thing. Cuz people are fucking stupid as fuck. Thinkin’ shit’s gonna be there for you and shit. Waited for what? Dumb ass. Can’t call ‘em up on false advertising cuz all they need is a minimum of one, and only one, of the advertised product and they’re in the safe zone.

Think your fucking brainless ass is gettin’ a deal huh? Ever heard of msrp? Huh? Have you, you stupid motherfucker? Have you? Oh, you have? You even know what the fuck that means, puss for brains? Huh? Do you? I didn’t fucking think so, you stupid piece of shit. MSRP is the Suggested Retail Price from the Manufacturer. For instance, you wanna buy a fucking tv from Sony. They suggest the price be 1000 smacks but retailers are, of course, gonna mark that down to a point that’s competitive yet profitable. You know what these retailers do this time of year? Well do you, motherfucker? The retail price is marked the fuck all the way back up to msrp and they make it appear that the discounted price is marked down from their own retail price.  For example, that Sony tv for 1000 buckos? Let’s say Best Buy bought it for $700 and sells that bitch for $800 and they show the $1000 msrp for comparison on the placard so you think you’re gettin’ a deal. What they may do is show you a $900 msrp instead of the $1000 msrp. Got me? So to you, you’re gettin’ a set for 100 bucks cheaper.

And on top of that, for the day after Thanksgiving sales and shit, they’ll mark that bitch back up to the $1000 price, and then give you the same 100 bucks off to make you think you’re getting the same deal as before. Or they’ll change the advertised retail price (the $900) to that of the actual msrp and still sell the tv for $800 which makes it look like you’re getting an even bigger deal but you’re not. I’ve worked in retail and have seen these markups and downs and I gotta tell ya, you better do your fucking homework before you spend your money on shit. Walmart’s rollbacks are a perfect example of how prices can be shifted to suit their profitability.

Yes, prices fluctuate. Yes, retailers have to be comptetitive in their respective markets and do what they gotta do to make the consumer wanna step foot in their door instead of their competitor. Price is the all important aspect. Price shifting is perfectly legal. You gotta roll with the times and the punches. If they make an ad error, all they gotta do is print up a retraction and post that shit. These fucking losers waiting in line for cheap laptops and shit never considered that retailers might only offer up limited quantities. But once you’re in, you’re in. The attitude that you’re already there and waited so long is gonna force you to not wanna leave empty handed. It’s all psychology.

But consumers need to get fucking smart. Waiting in a long ass line with no guarantee what you want will be there for the price you want it at is just fucking retarded. It’s like playing the fucking lotto. All chance. You’re telling me these motherfuckers didn’t have anything better to do? I saw couples out there and shit. They couldn’t have been home fucking? Motherfuckers out there smoking fucking cigarettes and shit. The money they spend all year on that bullshit would add up to the amount they’d pay for the item they want at an acceptable price. Use your fucking money for something else other than ruining your fucking health and maybe you wouldn’t have to be one of those sad sacks waiting out there for absolutely nothing.

Why are you knucklefaces letting retailers dictate shit? How the fuck you think they stay in business? Your money, that’s how. They’re telling you that they’re gonna open at this time on this day and offer these items at this price. You don’t like it, then fuck off and go someplace else. That’s what the fuck they’re telling your idiot ass. Turn the tables on their punk asses and spend your money online. Better yet, just say fuck that shit and don’t wait in line for them to open. Ain’t nothin’ they got that’s worth that shit. When they see nobody gives a shit about their bogus deals, they’ll wisen up and offer the deals at any given time of year rather than one goddamn madhouse ass day. The fucking shit just ain’t worth it.

You’ve seen motherfuckers plowing over each other and fighting over merchandise and shit. For a fucking pair of pants or shoes. For a fucking piece of goddamn bullshit ass no-name brand ass tv that ain’t worth fucking shit. Fuck that. Get your ass online and find better, more convenient for you, not them, deals. Comparison shop. Don’t just take what the fuck they got to offer cuz you’re most likely gonna end up with a piece of garbage that’s gonna break the fuck down in no time. Remember, you get what the fuck you pay for. You didn’t pay shit, you’re gonna get exactly that in return: shit!

Retailers all huffin’ and puffin’ about their deals being posted online in advance and shit. Telling webmasters to take shit down and shit. Man, fuck you! I ain’t takin’ shit down. What the fuck for? I’m actually helping your bitch ass by doing it. What? You don’t want people to see a better price someplace else? Don’t want them to see that you ain’t gonna have what the fuck they want? Want them to be like the fucking tards in this video and wait in line for your ass to open? Just to get ‘em the fuck in and fuck ‘em up the ass with limited quantities of discounted bullshit? Get ‘em to spend more money on the higher profit shit? You know what? Fuck you.

I don’t get sucked into all that material shit. I know exactly what the fuck I want and do my homework and make an informed purchasing decision. If it’s not absolutely essential to my life and lifestyle, fuck it. Put my money towards something worthwhile. Like an interest bearing account. The internet is a great tool. Oh, you ain’t got no internet? No high speed? Bitch, you got a cell phone? A friend with a computer and a connection? A connection at work? A fucking library card? A student id, motherfucker? I don’t wanna hear none of that bullshit. Almost anyone can get online. You can figure out what the fuck you want before you go wasting time and gas, and puttin’ wear and tear on your car and shit. I understand comparison shopping cuz I do it myself. I understand buying low and selling high cuz I do it myself. I got no probs with those people. A good deal is a fucking good deal. If it’s something you really, really, really want…no, fuck that, something you fucking need, then I can understand the waiting to an extent. But to camp the fuck out and go in blind? Lemme just say this: Americans are the dumbest fucking people on the fucking planet!

The fucking bastard asses we saw out there? One, they didn’t know what the fuck they really wanted. They just hoped something that they wanted would be there with a good price attached. Remember the example provided earlier? Well, there you go. That answers that. Then you got people that got paid to wait in line and save the spot. Hey, if you got that kinda dough then what the fuck are you even doing that shit for? Some people were forced cuz their parents or significant other dragged ‘em into it. The more the merrier right? More people to grab more shit. Then you got those that got caught up in the hype only to get fucked by it later once those doors opened. Morons.

Wanna know something else about Americans? We’re fucking poor. Piss fucking poor! If you got money, you ain’t waitin’ in no motherfuckin’ Circuit City line to get shit from ‘em. You ain’t pitchin’ no fuckin’ tent, sittin’ on portable and lawn chairs, wrapped up in a fucking blanket, sleeping on the cold ass sidewalk in the fucking cold with mosquitoes and loud talkin’ idiots and music and car horns blaring and shit. You ain’t gonna put up with that kinda shit if you motherfucking got money. You just ain’t. What that means is that all those saps in those lines weren’t rolling. They didn’t have all that beaucoup to spare. That’s why they waited. That’s why they’re in that ridiculous line. Cuz they aren’t wise with their cash and credit.

Think about it. If you’re reading this and you got money to spare, did you wait in one of those pussy ass lines? If your money is tight and you ain’t worried bout no fucking bills and you ain’t livin’ paycheck to paycheck, were you layin’ on that concrete with a bright ass street lamp shinin’ all up in your fuckin’ face? No, you weren’t. Again, there are the exceptions of the buyers and sellers and those that know what they need. Not want, but need. Then there’s the poor fuckers of America. For those that don’t know, our economy is shit. Jobs don’t pay worth a fuck. Education system is producing criminals and straight-the-fuck-up dumb ass motherfuckers that can’t fucking read. Housing market is complete bullshit. People defaulting on loans and can’t pay their fucking bills and shit. Lenders bleeding money like male porn stars bust nuts. This country is in the fucking doldrums right now.

I’m not saying everyone is broke, but the majority is. There’s all kinds of levels and shit but I ain’t even gonna get into that. Boy, you don’t even want me to get started on that shit. Maybe I will in the future but not now. Those non-exception people need to get a fucking life. They’re bending over for the retailer when it should be the other way around. You want my fucking money? You’re gonna have what the fuck I want, when I want it, at a competitive price with good fucking customer service. Period. 24-hour Walgreens and Walmart’s? Brilliant ideas. Show me a fucking 24-hour Walgreens that closes and I’ll show you a lady that doesn’t have issues! Be the fuck open, goddammit, and have my shit. Not everyone is asleep when it’s dark.

Click here for a slideshow of pics and here for wallpaper. Click here to watch the video.

I’ve been wanting to go to this auto show for years now. No one wanted to go with me cuz no one gives a shit about cars like I do. Nothing new. I have no friends that are into all the hobbies I’m into. Friends? Yeah. Friends with hobbies in common? Not many. I flew solo and lucky for me it was my day off and I had the next day off too. The thing opened at 10a but I slept in and eventually walked in the front doors about 2 hours later. I was sidetracked by SeaWorld’s new water park: Aquatica. I stopped to take some pics there before I parked and shit. Parking was posted as 10 bucks, which I was fully prepared to pay, but the attendant charged me 6. She did ask what event I was coming to see so I guess the price was dependent on that.

I parked up on the 4^th level and realized it was windy as hell and kinda chilly. Good thing I brought a hoodie (which I never used btw). I brought my tripod too (never used that either). Depending on the size of the event, they let you park at the convention center but apparently there was multiple events going on in both of them so they utilized the parking garage just in case shit might fill up (I guess). Some people was like “Fuck the shuttle! I ain’t waitin’. Let’s walk.” Shit, man, that was a long ass fucking walk. Guess they didn’t know. Just cuz you can see that big ass fucking convention center don’t mean that motherfucker is close.

Hopped on the shuttle and had to endure listening to this dumb ass white bitch talkin’ dumb ass cracker bullshit that ain’t even worth mentioning. You can hear a little of her talkin’ shit in the first vid when I’m on the shuttle. Just fucking retarded ass banter. Talkin’ like a fucking valley girl, Paris Hilton type, stupid blonde stereotype shit. I can’t stand bitches that talk like that. Guess they think cuz famous Cali bitches do it that that shit is in. Bitch, talk in your regular voice before you got up on that stupid ass bullshit. A nigger ain’t gonna see you as nothin’ more than a piece of hit-and-run pussy talkin’ like that. And a dumb one at that. Dumb bitch.

Gladly getting off the shuttle upon arrival at the front door, I snapped some shots on my way to buy my ticket. 5 bucks with a student id. There’s plenty of other discounts too but I ain’t gonna explain all that shit here. Took a piss cuz I was holding that shit for a while and figured I’d do that GM Experience first cuz it was closest but opted to go inside and check shit out first. Damn hall was a lot bigger than I ever woulda thought. Immediately I knew I wouldn’t get to see everything. If I woulda got there when it opened and had no plans on taking pics or vids, then yeah, I woulda soaked it all in. But me being a pic-taking freak, it just wasn’t gonna happen. I know next year to give myself 2 days to do everything I wanna do.

I stopped to fill out some contest shit (didn’t win a goddamn fucking thing) and made my way down to the very far end and planned on working my way to the other end. Where I ended up, they had some fucking Ferrari’s, Lambo’s, Bentley’s, Royce’s and shit…I didn’t get all geechy and shit like some people. Ain’t my fucking car and ain’t never gonna be, what am I gettin’ all excited about? Still, I could appreciate a well designed speed and luxo machine. All the exotic and super-expensive cars was in that back area. Lots of classic cars too. But the highlight was when I ran into Robert Nathans on my way out of that area. He’s the top dog of IBIZ Wax products. Never seen or heard of him before but there’s no doubt that he’s a salesman. I taped one of his sales demos (video 2) and he’s an interactive, hands on guy. Has 100% confidence in his product and for good reason: cuz it works! And if I endorse it (cuz I saw it firsthand), then you truly know it does.

I didn’t buy any of his product at that moment in time but I’ll get some later cuz I got some damn love bugs on the front of my car that’ve been sittin’ there for a bit. Need a car wash too. And a vacuuming. Shit, I need a straight up good detailing. But I want that product used on the exterior though. May and September. Boy, those months suck! He was humorous and even abrasive at times but you know what? That’s a salesman for you. He even plugged an upcoming QVC appearance (and here I am doing the same fucking thing albeit free of charge): 12/4/07 between 7a-8a. Don’t know what his tv persona’s gonna be like but if his demo is anything like what you see here (spray paint on the car and all), it’ll be entertaining and informational.

From there, I walked around taking more pics and vids. I was expecting the car girl models to be more like magazine cover bitches or using Asian and European style but instead it was typical yip-yap Americans. Don’t get me wrong, the talent was great. Most of those chics were top notch. And it was mostly all chics that I saw hockin’ wares, reiterating the fact that women are being exploited to sell cars via their looks. You see it in your local car commercials all the time. Even at the dealership. Hot bitch trying to make a sale based on her legs and tits hangin’ all out and shit. But them bitches don’t think about that shit, now do they? They just want that paycheck at the end of the week. Now, I ain’t hatin’. If you got it, use that shit. But just know that by doing so you’re being exactly what the male species in charge wants you to be: eye candy. So don’t fucking complain about your position in this country when you validate it every second of every day. Like I’ve said in past articles: Old men in the media? Plenty. Old women? Hardly any.

The concept cars I had time to peep of note were the Ford Shelby GR-1 and the Mitsubishi Eclipse Concept E. That Shelby was just chromed the fuck out and super aerodynamic and that Eclipse was just tight as fuck. Especially that paint job and profile. Nice. I only completed 2 halls before it started getting late. I stopped to grab a bite and of course shit was expensive as hell. $5.50 for a fucking hot dog and a .99 cent size bag of chips. But I gotta be real with ya, that fucking hot dog was good as fuck! One of the best I ever had. Fuck Armour, Oscar Mayer, Ball Park, and all them other motherfuckers. The OCCC is high on that toplist now! And that’s the honest fucking truth.

But there was a prob and I’m sure anti-immigration people will just love this one. Total came out to $5.50 even, right? I gave the fucking dumb old dothead bitch 6 bucks, right? Stupid ass bitch couldn’t understand my order for one. Had to keep repeating myself and that shit was getting frustrating. She couldn’t speak english for two. So how the fuck she gonna count money, huh? Talkative ass cracker bitch stepped in to complete the order and shit and had to speak all slow and calm for space case to understand it enough to ring it up. Idiot ass shouldn’t even be doing that type of shit if she ain’t fuckin’ qualified. But here’s what’s fucked up. I gave space case that 6 bucks (a 5 and a 1) and dumb ass fuckbrain gave me back $5.50! I was like, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

If I was the dishonest type, I woulda took the money and ran. But since I’ve done that type of work (more specifically, I’ve done her exact same job in the exact same place) and know the importance of register totals matching up to receipts, I gave her back the 5. Shoulda seen the look on her face. She knew she fucked the fuck up big fuckin’ time. And I’ll bet any amount of money she fucked up like that before with other people. Giving money away and shit cuz some piece of shit let her old dottie ass work the register and she can’t tell a 5 from a fucking 20 and shit. I ain’t mad at her. I got beef with the fucktard who hired her. How the hell she even fill out the fucking application? Somebody else did it for her ass? What about the fucking interview? How the hell did she pass that one? If she was a temp and she can’t speak fucking english, how the fuck she gonna understand what the fuck people want to eat? And how’d she pass their hiring process? She should be serving the food, not the cash. The whole thing was bullshit.

When I got done with that, I had 2 more halls to go and it just wasn’t gonna happen. I did a little more videotaping and called it a day. On my way out, I found out there was some comedy and step show going on in the Linda Chapin Auditorium related to the Florida Classic weekend. Oh yeah, mad pussy was out there. Mostly jailbait though. And since they were all black, plenty of cops were around too. They just go hand in hand, don’t they? I only managed to snap one pic cuz I didn’t want nobody thinkin’ I was tryin’ to get shots of all them young girls (dressed like skanks) and shit. But the one pic I did manage to take says it all when dealing with a black event.

I bailed outta there, hopped on the shuttle which cruised around to the north concourse to drop off and pick up, got off and went to my car in the now empty parking garage, and went home. Didn’t get to test drive or tinker with shit or climb the Jeep rock climbing wall. But there’s always next year and I’m definitely going and giving myself 2 days to enjoy it fully. Concept cars were off limits obviously but mostly everything else you could get in and play around with just like at a car lot to see how shit works, fits your bod, and tickles your fancy. Lots of contests and presentations (by hot ladies). There’s the interactive aspect like kids day (featuring the pedophile dream job of Ronald McDonald) and the Spyder demo ride. No keys in any cars for obvious reasons. Some cars even had the knob removed from the gear shift for the overzealous. Lots to do. Recommended? Of course, but only if you’re a car nut or have a general interest like me. Otherwise, there’s nothing for you here…except cashiers giving out the greatest prize of all.

On a final note, I probably pulled off my greatest practical joke ever by convincing certain friends of mine that I won this Lamborghini Gallardo Superleggera. Monte Patterson, representing Ultimate Motor Works of Longwood, FL, assisted by giving a videotaped (using my smartphone) message of my bogus contest win. He totally skewered my last name but that’s perfectly fine. I still got the desired result. The video was the icing on the cake as it validated the entire joke (because my friends didn’t believe me at first) and they fell for the whole thing and are still in the dark as I’m typing this. Morons think I sold the car already for 200 g’s and I’m sittin’ pretty right now. What a bunch of fucking idiots! The cat’s out of the bag now but that’s only if they read this. Thanks again to Mr. Patterson. Couldn’t have done it without him.