The official website of Melvin L. Clermont since 2005.

Quick movie reviews of Extraordinary Measures and the Feast Trilogy.

kow626 — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 14:05:00 -0500

Let’s start with Extraordinary Measures. I saw a prescreen last week at AMC Altamonte. Had 2 tix but no one else was available to go with me so I flew solo. Thankfully, it was relatively warm outside compared to the freezing cold over the last few weeks. I didn’t eat beforehand but wanted to at least get some popcorn before going into the auditorium. That plan was killed cuz the line was long as fuck. It was getting cramped inside so they opened the doors and the line flowed out damn near into the street according to a comment I heard someone say. Since I was by myself, I ain’t wanna risk losing my spot to go grab a bite. I thought I’d be able to play at least one arcade game too. Even brought some quarters with me. I got there a tad early but that line was what it was and only got longer. After about 30-45 minutes of waiting, they started letting people in.

They kept hollering about no recording equipment being allowed in (duh) and no cell phones being on. If they saw the light from it or caught you on it, they’d boot you out. Since I was surfing the whole time I was in line, I thought I’d be able to surf inside but that wasn’t gonna happen. I just put my shit on silent and chilled till the movie started. Place got packed up pretty quick. I sat all the way at the top. Obese chick to my left, decent older broad to my right who I was conversing with on occasion. She was with a guy but when he was gone to get food and drinks, that’s when she was talkative. Plus she initiated the convo. Digits? Nah, I ain’t bother. The attendant said they had to turn people away cuz the auditorium was maxed out. Usually they open up another but looks like that wasn’t going down this time. They warned about cell phones again so I just turned my shit off. Cat said for movies like this with big names, you gotta arrive early if you want a seat. Lots of couples got separated and had to sit wherever a single seat was available. Bet that sucked for them.

The movie itself really wasn’t bad at all. It’s not a tearjerker. It’s a drama through and through with some well placed laughs that made it more authentic and enjoyable. No special effects of any kind. Just strictly acting and plot with minimal twists. Minimal meaning they aren’t so hardcore that you’re shocked and surprised but when they happen, they’re well placed and make sense. Looks like this is based on a book too but I forgot the title and author. They did show it in the beginning credits. Brendan Fraser’s acting was about what you can expect. Yet it matched the tone of the rest of the flick. Nor was he in the best shape he’s ever been in. He’s got a little potbelly that’s clearly visible along with some extra chin. Old ass Harrison Ford’s in better shape than him.

If you’re a sci-fi fan, you’ll get a couple treats here. Jared Harris from Fringe does a horrible American accent as a corporate exec. And Courtney Vance from FlashForward plays the parent of a pompe kid. Never heard of pompe disease till seeing this movie. Like many inherited diseases, my proposal is to just stop the gene. If you know you’re genetically predispositioned to produce certain negative traits when having kids, then don’t have any. Harrison Ford does a lot of yelling here but his rational, human side always shines through. The movie title basically describes what Fraser is willing to do to save his and other kids with the disease. It’s emotional and shows what the human spirit is capable of when confronted with adversity. Some people just give up. This movie shows what can happen when you don’t and I like that message cuz I promote it whenever possible. It’s a very positive movie. Good for families. Not at all unrealistic.

Since you don’t get much bang for your buck, I wouldn’t recommend paying for it unless you got nothing better to do cuz, really, it has the production values of a tv movie. It is CBS Films after all. It’s not a bad movie but you’re better off waiting on dvd or for it to broadcast on HBO or regular tv which is where it’ll end up eventually. Anyone could’ve played the roles in this movie and the script and directing isn’t spectacular but since they went with big name actors, that’s about the only reason it got released in theaters. I give it 6.5 out of 10 stars. Not bad at all, worth seeing, but not worth going out of your way to see. If you manage to catch it, then hey, good for you. You won’t be disappointed.

I’ve had Feast on my hard drive for months now. My homeboy came over and we worked out together. After getting pumped and sore, we figured we’d watch a flick. I chose Feast on a whim. I’ll say right up front, I’m giving the first part 8 out of 10 stars. That is one god damn good movie! Shoulda been released in more theaters. Probably woulda made a good chunk of change considering how much it cost. I did see the Project Greenlight series when they chose John Gulager and the writing team for Feast. Just took me a while to join the party. But I finally did and I’m not completely disappointed. You’ll know what I mean later.

I got no complaints about the first part. It’s gory, very well written, unique direction, insanely hysterical dialogue, and good characterization. Best line of the movie? When Boss Man said, ”They like food that moves.” So fucking funny for reasons that you have to watch the movie to appreciate. There’s other familiar faces here. Treach from Naughty By Nature. Eric Dane from Grey’s Anatomy. And Krista Allen who I remember best from What About Brian. Eric Dane’s character’s death scene was beyond funny. Without a doubt, this series falls into the horror comedy genre. So many absurdities yet a lot of it is realistic. It doesn’t just go with the expected flow. There’s curveballs galore. Things you expect a character to do, in many cases, they do it. Shit that happens in reality but doesn’t happen in most movies does happen here. And the pacing and direction, it’s just really, really good. I very highly recommend this movie to anyone who likes being entertained cuz this movie does just that in every aspect.

Why’d I knock 2 points off? Some of it was too absurd to the point of being ridiculous. Like one of the creatures humping a stuffed dear head and another face fucking what was thought to be a corpse. It’ll all make sense when you see it. It can be a bit much. There’s lots of excess but it’s these things that make the movie unique and stand on its own. It can’t be compared to anything. Feast is an original movie and that can’t be said much these days. From beginning all the way to the very end, it’s a damn good movie. You don’t know who’s gonna live or die. You don’t know when or where a monster will appear and it keeps you guessing and those are all good things for a movie to have.

It was still early so we peeped the 2nd movie. Feast II: Sloppy Seconds starts out totally different from the first part. The tone is much more comedic and even more absurd. And gore? Shit, motherfucker, you better have a strong as hell stomach to peep this shit! And I ain’t kidding you, either! When the hardcore shit started, I had to stop eating. There was no way for me to continue watching this movie and eat at the same time. It’s just not possible. It picks up where the second part left off. Some characters survived the assault from the creatures in the previous movie and the main plot point here is a female biker gang leader is looking for one of them who killed a gang member in the first part. Her acting wasn’t great but her dialogue was.

I honestly didn’t think Gulager had anything to do with this cuz the tone was so different. I didn’t know what the fuck to expect. When things picked up, they stayed up. There’s more gore to the point of it being gross. Like in the very beginning with the midgets. The sex scene is funny but when the monsters start attacking, the sight gags just make you start crying laughing. This movie does have nudity just so you know. Best line of the movie? When one of the midgets said, “Monsters don’t eat where they shit.” Best scene of the movie? Without giving too much away, a very tense scene is when a baby starts crying. You don’t know if it’s a monster baby or not. You don’t know what’ll happen when it’s rescued. You don’t know what’ll happen during the scene when it’s tossed into the air. I won’t say anything else to ruin that moment.

Yes, it is a moment. One of those movie moments that you’ll never forget cuz it’s never, ever been done in any movie before it. You WILL remember it, I can guarantee that. Nothing is immune to abuse in this movie. Children, animals, people, it don’t matter. There’s one other scene that tops all the others. The baby scene is unforgettable. When they dissect one of the creatures, I’m telling you right now, DO NOT eat before you see this movie unless you have a VERY strong stomach! It’s one of the grossest scenes I’ve ever seen in any movie, ever! I even made a comment to my friend that it reminds me of German puke and bukkake porn. So that right there gives you an indication of what to expect. You’ve been warned!

The only surprise face here is Carl Anthony Payne II’s appearance as a used car salesman. I love the Martin tv show and he was a huge part of that so it was good to see him again. I’d say the biggest challenge for this movie was that it occurs mostly in the daytime. Kinda hard to scare people like that but this is much more comedic than scary. Honey Pie, a holdover character from the first part, is important to the ending of the movie. You’d think this was the end of the Feast series the way it ended but it’s not. Can’t give anything away but the previously mentioned disappointment comes from the fate of Honey Pie’s character. Sometimes, you gotta let people live, you know?

I give this movie 7 out of 10 stars. There’s just so many humorous scenes, and a lot of them are absolutely ridiculous, but all appropriate and well placed. Like the dialogue from the grandmother whose body was liquefying. You’ll see. It only gets one point less than the first part because, hey, the first part is the benchmark. Kinda hard to top a movie like that but this one is almost equally highly recommended. It’s a totally different style but it stands on its own as unique and original with shit happening that’s never happened before in any movie before it.

We peeped the 3rd part the next night. Feast III: The Happy Finish continues directly from where the last one ended. It’s like they were filmed simultaneously. Had to be. Honey Pie’s final fate is decided in the very beginning and we’re treated to a very nice shitting scene that’s quite literally right in your face. Best line of the movie? There’s 2. One is during an argument where a female gang member said, “Bitch, I will fuck you up!” It ain’t what she said, it’s how she said it. Awesome shit! The other is when a new character is introduced. He said, “I got the gift, faggots!” You’ll see what he’s referring to when you see this. This movie would be just like the 2nd part with more absurdities and new characters that add to that mix.

It’s a continuation through and through but some scenes tend to drag out, like when they were in the sewer. Some made little sense, like the mutated humans. It got to the point where it was almost directionless cuz shit was happening that didn’t lend much to story progression and it’s the same creative team who did the first 2. You expect a certain level of quality. The beginning and middle of the movie are what they should be. The end is where everything starts going to hell. From the survivors fighting their way out of the mutant herd, to biting away at one of the monsters as if they were monsters themselves, to the worst ending of any movie I’ve ever seen. Yes, I said it, THE WORST ENDING TO ANY MOVIE I’VE EVER SEEN! The ending just makes everything else that happens prior seem meaningless. You forget about all the humor and other good stuff cuz it’s just that bad.

It’s almost like they ran out of ideas and just put some shit together for the sake of completeness. A better ending woulda been the monster at the end being benevolent and it did seem that way. And then they coulda went out into the city safe zone where they were trying to get to and proceeded with the plot. Not the pure garbage that was given to us. I don’t know what the hell anyone involved with the ending of this movie was thinking. No one spoke up or said anything? No one told the writers that this shit was stupid? Did them or Gulager really have something to do with this? It just makes not one shred of sense in comparison to EVERYTHING that came before it. I don’t get it. Oh yeah, there’s nudity in this flick too. One of the biker chicks bites the big one and you’re treated to some really good, close-up tit shots. She has some good hard nipples on her. You’ll enjoy staring at them.

From Feast I all the way to the middle of Feast III, you’ll be completely and totally entertained. But the last act in Feast III, I don’t know, man. I don’t know what the fuck happened there. I’m purposely not saying what happened cuz if you haven’t seen these flicks yet, you need to. Despite the horrible (not happy) finish, I’d recommend getting all of these as a set on dvd/bd. They’re all worth paying for and all worth watching back to back to back. I got the dvdrips online. All were good quality. Enjoy the first part, don’t eat when watching the second one, and be prepared for the shitty finish to the 3rd. They’re even considering a fourth part. After the fiasco with part 3’s climax, please don’t do it unless you plan on exploring the origins of the creatures. Feast III gets 4 out of 10 stars. Woulda got 6 but the ending really is that bad.

Quick movie reviews of The Spy Next Door and Carriers.

kow626 — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 19:40:00 -0500

I probably shouldn’t say shit cuz you’d fuck up my chances of getting free movie tix, but if you sign up at filmmetro.com and gofobo.com (still don’t know what the fuck that site name stands for), you can get free tix to movie prescreens. There are other sites like those, just so you know. I got a couple tix for The Spy Next Door last Saturday at AMC CityWalk. At first, it was “sold out” but I got an email telling me some tix came open. Never even really heard of the flick but I signed up anyway. Something to do. Plus the movie had Jackie Chan and George Lopez. After some research, I found out it was rated PG. That’s when I knew it was a kiddie flick. I put an ad on Craigslist for a date but nobody but spammers took a bite so I went with my homeboy.

I wore my 5-pound ankle weights and hoofed it the 2.5 miles to Universal for exercise. Hell yeah, it was cold as fuck. Made a pit stop at a Burger King along the way and got a cheesy wrap and that shit hit the spot. Warmed my ass right up even though it was sprinkling outside the whole time. Told my friend the movie starts at 10a. Son of a bitch got there at damn near 9:50a. The tix state you gotta be there early to get a seat and dipshit brought his girlfriend too. I only had 2 fucking tix. Murdafurka thought he could just buy her an extra ticket but it don’t work like that with prescreens. Luckily, the attendant said it wasn’t sold out so they let her in. We got in that bitch right at around 10a. There was a demonstration of some kids doing karate before the flick. Too bad we caught the tail end of it. I tell you what, god dammit, from now on, I’m telling people that shit starts earlier than it really does so they can fucking start being on time! How the fuck am I walking with heavy ass ankle weights on, wrapped up in clothes cuz it’s freezing cold, and it’s raining on my ass and I can get there on time and that fuck drove and got free parking and couldn’t? How the fuck?

The place was full of parents and kids. Not a good sign. But as the movie played and as it ended, I can vouch for this movie. It really ain’t bad at all, even if it’s primarily made for kids. The plot and characterization is what drives this. The acting ain’t stellar by any stretch of the imagination but little kids don’t give a fuck about that type of shit. It’s dumbed down just for them. Billy Ray Cyrus’ metaphors were pretty funny all the way through. There’s many lessons given that apply to both adults and kids so it does have a positive aspect. The action, while minimal for a Jackie Chan movie, wasn’t out of place, excessive, or distracting. This is really about a guy and girl wanting to be happy. Without spoiling anything, I think the relationship moved a bit too fast and it gives the wrong impression to impressionable young brains. But you’ll see what I mean at the end of the movie. There are the usual blooper reels during the credits but nothing after.

There’s plenty of laughs. Lots of sight gags. Almost all the characters have their own identity, especially the kids. And many a single parent can relate to the domestic life displayed here; mom or dad cuz it covers both grounds from young kids to young teens. All the problems are there as well as the solutions. This is a good family movie and would make a good date movie for a goody-two-shoes couple. For what it is and who it appeals to, I give it 7 out of 10 stars. I certainly wouldn’t pay for it (and I didn’t). I think it’s worth waiting for on dvd but that don’t mean it’s a bad movie at all. It’d make for a good family night out at the movies if you have some preteens. Some compare it to The Pacifier (which I haven’t seen and don’t want to see) and others have issues with the interracial dating but they need to get over it and take it for what it is. Turn off your brain or revert back to when you still pissed your bed and enjoy the movie.

I dl’ed Carriers. I like zombie and post-apocalyptic flicks and this falls into the latter category. Synopsis sounded good, it got good comments and reviews, so I gave it a shot and wasn’t disappointed. It’s not slow or boring in any way. I gotta give props to Chris Pine. The guy can act and the writing/directing team of the brothers Pastor seem to have brought out the best in him. They haven’t done much, but for something like this, their star will have to shine bright at some point. Really good effort put in here. Pine was an asshole in Star Trek and ain’t much different here. He can certainly be a lead in any type of action oriented movie but I’d like to see what else he has to offer in the drama department. I wanna see him cry.

I’d definitely recommend this movie. Solid performances all the way through. It ain’t a zombie flick but reminds me a bit of Zombieland cuz of the foursome of 2 guys, 2 girls. It ain’t a comedy either but it does have its laughs here and there. The pace is not too slow and not too fast either. It’s just right. I give it 7 out of 10 stars. If you’re into this genre, you won’t be disappointed. The climax isn’t what I expected but it is a good one. This is where Pine’s performance ranks up there with Karina Testa in Frontieres. Very solid and believable. If you’re a budding filmmaker and wanna know how an actor is supposed to act given the circumstances, then watch this part of the movie and study it.

Quick movie reviews of Brothers, Orphan (alternate ending), the Rambo series, and Avatar.

kow626 — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 21:00:00 -0500

The emotive performances in Brothers were top notch, I’ll give them that. Not the biggest or best movie on the planet but it’s good for what it is. I was surprised during the opening credits that it’s based on a recent Danish movie called Brodre. A damn foreign remake? If I’d have known that, I might not have went to see it to be honest. But I wanted to see Toby Maguire deliver the goods I always knew he was capable of and boy did he ever. Just like Tom Cruise, I want to see him playing more villainous roles. Not just a run of the mill protagonist, but villainous. And maniacal. Natalie Portman didn’t do a bad job either. Even that ugly kid Bailee Madison stepped it up to own her role.

About the only complaint I have is that when Maguire’s character was flipping out in the kitchen talking about what his hands were capable of, he didn’t slap himself hard enough. Motherfucker shoulda been slapping his face like a black ghetto booty taking some dick. Other than that, it’s a nice little movie that tells a tale about another side of the affects of war on people and families that we don’t usually get to see. This movie is 90% dramatic with a little comedy in some places. It’s good dollar movie or dvd viewing. I’d recommend it if you’re into this genre. I give it 6.5 out of 10 stars. It only rates that low cuz you’re not getting crazy special effects and it does have a slower pace but that works for this movie. If you’re smart, you’ll understand the significance of the ending.

Finally finished that dl of the Orphan alternate ending a while back. It shoulda been the theatrical cut. It makes tons more sense and is much better overall for closure regardless of it being left open for a sequel that will probably never happen since Isabelle Fuhrman is only getting older. Either way, the movie is definitely worth watching, especially with the deleted scenes. It maintains its 8 out of 10 stars. Not sure how the dvd/bd menu is, but if you can watch it with the deleted scenes and alt ending already intact, go for it! Very enjoyable movie. Hell, I’d watch it again. It’s that good.

Yep, I’m one of the few gen-x’ers who’s never seen any of the Rambo flicks. I know, I’m a lamewad. But whatever. At least I finally did. Peeped them during the christmas weekend. I had no expectations for the first part. Had no clue what to expect as I was watching it. Thought it was gonna be a straight up war movie with Rambo killing everything and everyone in sight but that didn’t happen. It was more like the hunted becoming the hunter in an urban setting. Like all the flicks, Stallone didn’t have much for dialogue but his performance at the end of the first flick proves he had some chops back then. The theme for the first 3 flicks was about how America treats its war veterans. The 4th one was more transitional as plot devices laid in the 3rd flick continued into this one and it appears that everything will be resolved in what should be the 5th and final one that’s coming up.

Parts 2 and 3 are very similar while part 4 has the same level of body count and violence but much more graphic due to advances in special effects. What stood out most to me was seeing a young David Caruso in the 1st part. Part 2 had some great camera movement as they showed a pig pen with the animal waste draining off into a pit where Rambo was being held in chest deep. As the camera moved, I was wondering why they were showing the flow of the waste. Then they showed Rams all fucked up and tied up in that shit. Can’t lie, that shit had me cracking the fuck up cuz I ain’t never seen no sick ass shit like that before. But I do believe it to be an authentic torture method. It’s totally conceivable.

Part 3’s theme was about the people of Afghanistan being so unified to the point where they never back down from foreign invasion and that they’ve never lost a war. Well, here we are post-911. I wonder what the filmmakers think about that shit now? It looked a bit lower budget than the previous flicks too but it was cohesive. The opening credits had me dying laughing. As they opened, they were playing the music softly. Then out of nowhere they showed the Rambo III logo and some damn music just hit like an old Dolby Digital demo or some shit. I got surround sound and my speakers are pretty loud when I’m watching a movie. That shit just hit so hard cuz I wasn’t expecting anything like that to happen. I couldn’t even stop laughing. It was like, “Yep, that’s the 80’s.” Seriously, words can’t even describe it. I can imagine being in a movie theater and that shit happened all loud as fuck. It’d probably be one of those unforgettable theater moments. Just picture the old Maxell commercials of that guy in his chair and that speaker in front of him is damn near blowing him away. That’s the effect that shit had on me.

Part 4 had a moment where one of the American hostages was hung out to dry and fed to some pigs. It was a delayed introduction technique that was very well done. The rebel leader gave the order and later on in the movie they showed the result. The fucking pigs were eating away at his feet! Nothing but torn flesh and stumps left where his feet shoulda been and they were still there eating him. Now that’s some fucked up shit, man. And just like part 2, I believe it. Sly was clearly showing his age in this part but the violence was super graphic. I do look forward to that 5th part. As a whole series, I give it 6 out of 10 stars as it does provide a level of entertainment that doesn’t bore you in any way.

Like almost everyone else alive, I was looking forward to Avatar but I’ll be god damned if I was going on opening day or even opening week. I waited and lucky me, when I went to see it in IMAX 3D at 10a on a Saturday morning, there weren’t even 30 people in the auditorium. Clean, comfy, and quiet. Just the way I like to see my movies that I pay for. Online ticketing was trying to charge my ass 15 bucks plus service fee. I said FURK DAT and paid at the box office cuz I knew that shit wasn’t gonna sell out like it did the night before when I really wanted to go. 9 fucking bucks was the tally. Can’t beat that.

Say what the fuck you wanna say and feel how the fuck you wanna feel about me for saying what I’m about to say, but I thought the movie totally sucked! That’s right, I said it. Yeah, fuck you too, murdafurka! This movie might as well have been a fucking children’s book it was so god damn fluffy. Minimal cussing (even with the military present in this flick), no non-human nudity, straightforward plot with no twists or turns, ultra predictable, monotone and unmemorable characters, borderline unrealistic war motives, pointless deaths, uncreative and fairy tale climax, and the environmental theme was thrown in your face so much that you’d think you were watching a PBS special. Special effects aside (they were top-notch), there was nothing I liked about this movie. I very rarely laughed. Shit, I don’t think I did at all. Only thing that got a chuckle from a few peeps was when the antagonist said he was part of the Jarhead Clan. That’s about it. It was a practically emotionless moviegoing experience.

I mean, c’mon. You turn on your own species over a bitch? Bitch gives you some alien pussy and that’s all it takes? That shit musta been biting hard! I can see about him wanting to become one of them cuz of the girl and having a functional body but is he really ready to live the natural life and abandon tv, internet, and all the other wonders of human technology? Yes, the tech is a demon and it can also be a godsend. I get it. But that morality was never discussed or explored. No civilized human alive would just switch that quick. I ain’t buying it. Regardless of the cost for him to get new legs, I ain’t buying it. Things coulda been done differently. The world they created and the creatures within it were a little too forced for my taste. Took up too much screen time that coulda been devoted to adding more complexity to an otherwise oversimplified plot. The whole deal was just too textbook. No depth at all.

3D effects, on the other hand, weren’t so good. All the previews before the movie were of 3D movies, all of them cgi kid movies. I expect more from 3D. I’ve gotten more from 3D. Those previews and the movie didn’t deliver the goods. Depth perception is altered but nothing moves beyond the four corners of the screen or comes out at you. The IMAX screen was big with a crisp, clear picture and sound. I’ll give credit where it’s due. But save your money and if you have to see this movie, just watch it on a regular screen for regular price. I would tell you to just wait for it on bd and if you have a nice sized tv, just watch it that way. To me, it’s not worth a penny. It’s boring and not at all entertaining. The only surprises were seeing Sigourney Weaver and Giovanni Ribisi. Wasn’t expecting to see those two. If this movie was rated R and more authentic, then maybe it’d be worth a whirl. But as it is, if you have the mentality of a simple-minded and impressionable 10 year old, this movie is tailor-made for you. I give it 4 out of 10 stars. I don’t give a damn how popular it is or how much money it’s made and is gonna make. For me, it sucks chicken bones. A complete and total waste of time and money. I’m disappointed more than anything. I expect better from James Cameron.

Even with all that said, the damn thing still got a round of applause when it finished. Now it joins the ranks of Equilibrium, the Godzilla teaser trailer, Spirited Away, and the first live-action Transformers movie as the only movies I’ve been in attendance of that have gotten some applause. Nothing happens after the credits so don’t waste your time even further like I did. And when I left the auditorium, there was a long line of people waiting to get in for the next showing. Wanted to tell them so bad that the movie is a dud but everyone has their own tastes. I woulda been super-pissed even more if I had to wait in a line like that to see such a horrible movie. It only got those 4 stars from me cuz of the innovative special effects and Zoe Saldana’s voice acting. Everything else? FURK DAT!