The decision to do a triple-banger this past Thursday night was due to the fact that I no longer felt the desire to pay to see the Hulk based on reviews I read. Everything was centered around Bleach cuz this was the last showing. Me and Dre knew we were gonna see the midnight showing of Hulk and we had to decide on a middle movie. But that’d come later depending on what time Bleach ended. I cancelled plans with another friend so that we could pull this off. Would save us both time and money. He met me at my place and we drove my car. Along the way we saw gas on one side of the street for $4.15 (Marathon) and directly across from that gas station was another that had gas for $3.99 (Chevron). Gee, I wonder which one I’d go to? That’s a no-fucking-brainer. Probably one of the most ridiculous things I ever saw but I couldn’t stop to take the shot due to traffic (I take my camera with me everywhere I go).

We made a pit stop at a Popeyes that we’d been to before cuz we know they cook that chicken proper and shit. We wanted full stomachs since we were gonna be theater-hopping and didn’t wanna pay theater prices either. The front of the building looked like a car crashed through it. It was all boarded up with “We’re Open” spray-painted on it. When we got inside and asked about it, the employees told us that’s exactly what happened. We thought it might’ve been some old bag who mistook the gas pedal for the brakes like everyone sees on tv all the time. They explained that it was a young bitch in her 20’s that had multiple sclerosis and she forgot to take her meds or some shit like that. First of all, what the fuck is she doing driving? Second, who gave her a fucking license? Third, why is it not revoked at this point (maybe it is by now, hopefully)? Humans are such irresponsible creatures. The last thing any of us need is a medication-dependent person behind the wheel. They said it was all over the news but I didn’t see or hear shit about it. I’m sure that footage, if any, will be on some show on truTV eventually.

We both got a 3-piece meal to go but ended up eating it there. Then we left with about 10 minutes to spare before Bleach started at 7:30. We went to the Regal Cinemas in Winter Park since that was the closest of the very few theaters in the area that was showing it. We parked at a nearby Albertsons and walked over. Passed by some restaurant across from the theater and it was packed with hot, white chicks dining outside. Must’ve been ladies night or some shit. A couple of niggers probably could’ve cleaned house up in that bitch. Oh well…

Got to the box office and tix were 10 bucks for Bleach. Was surprised at first then realized that’s how much these special showings from Fathom Events are since I did Anime Bento last year. Could’ve easily paid a few bucks less for a regular ticket and just snuck into Bleach but I wanted to support the anime community. There was a huge Hulk prop in the lobby. I saw it online before but seeing it in person is something else entirely. I snapped a couple pix but didn’t pose with it. We didn’t have time. Got into the theater showing Bleach and it was fairly packed. Wasn’t expecting that at all considering we went to see Paprika when it was showing there and the theater was almost empty. Anime Bento was the same. So this was either a testament to Bleach’s popularity or Fathom is getting better at marketing and promotion.

We managed to find pretty good seats in the middle but unfortunately it was next to some stupid kids who wouldn’t shut the fuck up. One of them was even dressed as a captain. What was this, an anime convention? Other kids topside were blabbing away too. This was all before the movie, mind you (and during). One pathetic bitch even brought her baby. It’s like putting a dog in front of a tv to watch soap operas. They started off with a special about the making of the movie and about Viz Media. It was informative but some of the fanboys and girls were clearly here without any parental supervision. They just wouldn’t keep their fucking mouths shut. Like they can’t watch something without throwing in a comment. And humans are stupid and always fall into what I call the “monkey see, monkey do” category. Meaning that if they see one person doing something, they just have to follow suit because they think it’s okay.

No, it’s not okay. 10 bucks is a hefty chunk of change and the experience was almost ruined by a bunch of pubes creaming over animated characters. One dumb bitch said Ganryu was hot. Other idiot bitches were comparing voice actors Johnny Yong Bosch and Troy Baker. Everyone was laughing at Wally Wingert. The guy looks like a member of a 70’s hair metal band. Michelle Ruff was decent looking. She’s got some gut action goin’ on down there but that’s overlookable. Call me cruel, but when I saw how big her schnoz was, it reminded me of Beaky Buzzard. If she ain’t considered rhinoplasty at her age yet, then it probably ain’t gonna happen. The weirdest thing was finding out Susan Dalian did Senna’s voice. A black chick doing a white chick’s voice. Did a hell of a lot better job than David Rasner in Blood+, I’ll give her that.

The otaku in the house were still creaming over some of the character’s sex appeal. I can’t hate cuz back in the day, April O’Neal’s boobs (from the original TMNT cartoon) and Jessica Rabbit were the talk of the town for us jits. And Holli Would from Cool World? Oh, I ain’t forgot about her. So the movie finally started and if you’re a fan of the manga and anime, then you’re gonna go see the movie anyway. You’ll like it. It plays like a longer anime episode. They really didn’t up the ante for the animation style and storytelling like an InuYasha or DBZ movie. As you would expect, it was an end-of-the-world type story. And as you also would expect, the good guys won and nothing significant really happened.

I’d say the coolest thing about it was the surprise appearances of Byakuya and Kenpachi Zaraki towards the end. They made no appearances at all prior to that and weren’t even mentioned. Their appearances were rather short too but they still got a reaction from the audience when they were shown. Completely absent (if I remember correctly) was Ichigo’s crew (Orihime, Chad, and Uryu) and surprisingly Yoruichi. Other than that, practically every other character of note appeared. Toshiro got a nice pop too, but Rangiku (for obvious reasons) probably got the loudest of everyone. Big ass titties floppin’ around like Mizuki in Gravion and shit. I’d nail ‘em both. At the same time! Don’t give a damn if they’re cartoon characters…

You’d think when a movie ended that people would get up and leave. 5 minutes after the movie was over and the theater was dark, half the people were still there just shootin’ the shit. Young otaku girls actin’ stupid and talkin’ dumb shit. Me and Dre took that free time to figure out what our next movie was gonna be. Indy Jones in 5 minutes or Zohan in 35? He had already downloaded and watched Indy and said it wasn’t all that. I didn’t care to see it either way but the previews for Zohan were funny so I was pushing for that one. So that’s what we decided on. We left that screen with all the idiot kids in the darkness doing whatever (no employees ever showed up even to clean the damn thing), walked around, and hid in the bathroom for a bit only to discover that Zohan was on the other side of the theater. That meant we’d have to cross the damn lobby and risk being seen. We said fuck it and went for it. Nobody said shit.

Zohan was rather empty compared to Bleach. No more than 20 people tops. At least 18 people paid for it (and it definitely was worth paying for). The movie was funnier than the previews would suggest and had an underlying message geared towards the Bush administration and more so towards the people involved in the most pointless land war in the history of the world. Black-on-black crime is nothing compared to what these people do to each other. The message was basically to stop fighting and do like Rodney King suggests we should all do. But there was a contradiction. Zohan fled to America because he no longer wanted to fight. Yet the fight found him again. There’s no running away from your problems. They’ll catch up to you eventually.

The contradiction lies in the fact that rather than stay in his home country and take a non-violent stance against policies and such, he came to America where most people think opportunity abounds but it really doesn’t. They did portray the latter to an extent. Yet, towards the end of the flick, he refused to fight his arch nemesis and patched things up with his enemies, all of them middle-eastern. So he did take a non-violent stance but why not do that where the actual problem lies instead of where he brought it to? Make a difference where it counts the most. That goes for all immigrants in my opinion. Running away won’t fix the prob that made you run in the first place. I’ve got my opinions on that but I’ll stick to talking about the movie.

Middle-eastern culture and diversity was widespread throughout the movie. Jews, Arabs, you name it. The previews play it up as Zohan being a super spy, tough guy and shit. There were absurdities all over this that made for definite lol moments. Like John Turturro walking on a ceiling. Or Adam Sandler swimming so fast that he could catch a jet ski going full blast. The funniest moment was when Zohan was about to style an old lady’s hair and she poked open a shampoo bottle and some of it dripped out like cum from a dick. That shit was so fucking funny! Everyone was laughing at that one. Why so significant? Cuz Zohan likes to fuck older, bigger, uglier women. And when I say ugly, I really mean fugly. One scene was so over the top. This really ugly older broad was getting styled by him and there was so much sexual innuendo that it was just ridiculously funny. I’m withholding info here cuz I don’t wanna spoil shit. The movie is funny as hell and recommended.

I’ve only seen one other Adam Sandler movie and that was The Waterboy. That shit was majorly disappointing to me. He certainly redeemed himself with this one though. Lots of unexpected cameos too. Mariah Carey (this would be her highest grossing movie), Michael Buffer, Henry Winkler, Paul Mitchell, and John McEnroe just to name a few. There was good physical comedy and slapstick, plenty of race-related humor and middle-eastern terms and slang, hot girls (and not-so-hot geriatrics), guest stars, over-the-top action, and the true message in the movie driven home by the way it ended. Overall, well worth paying for (even though I didn’t). Another really good part about the movie is the music. Zohan is stuck in the 70’s and 80’s and loves dancing (sometimes unnecessarily) but the soundtrack had some bangin’ ass middle-eastern hip-hop joints, presumably from Hadag Nahash from the research I’ve done. Tight work.

There was an employee counting heads and lurking around with a clipboard just before the movie. We thought we were busted and concocted a lie (that we threw away our tix) if he approached us. Nothing happened. He just left without incident. Nobody talked during the movie except one person: Dre. I had to tell him to shut the fuck up. Didn’t say shit during Bleach when the whole world was talkin’ and now he wants to open his mouth? Please. And he’s one of those movie texters. You people’s lives are just oh so important that you can’t go fuckin’ 2 hours without lookin’ at your fucking cell phone? Then you gotta be distracting by texting with all that light glowing from the phone? Idiot covered up the display with his hand while he texted. Yeah, like that helps. No consideration for others. Some people, I tell ya…

Stupid bullshit like that is yet another reason why I don’t do the cinemas much anymore. Rather than have a message onscreen telling motherfuckers to turn off their phones and keep quiet during the movie, the damn manager needs to come the fuck out beforehand and tell people verbatim, “Turn your cell phones off or put ‘em on silent or vibrate and put ‘em away. Oh yeah, and shut the fuck up when the movie is playing!” Straight the fuck up. If it was my theater, you best damn believe that’s what I would do. No shit!

Zohan ran a bit longer than we expected as Hulk started at midnight and our movie ended a few minutes after that. So we couldn’t stick around to see if anything happened during or after the credits. And we had to sneak our way back over to the other side of the theater where the Hulk was playing (just our luck). We managed to pull that off too but pretended like we were on our cell phones with the hopes that no one would bother us. I guess it worked.

Also lucky for us was that no one was checking tix at the door for Hulk. The screening was packed to the gills. The only seats available were the absolute worst seats: all the way at the top on the side with an obstructed view. Why the fuck they even built those seats there is a mystery. And since they did, why not have a booster or something? Not everyone is an NBA player, ya know. I’m 6’2”. He’s 6’3” and we couldn’t see the bottom portion of the screen where the subtitles were. He stretched his neck while I leaned forward and shit. I even stood on my feet in the seat for a better view but it was uncomfortable. But…you get what you pay for.

Crappy seats aside, the movie is everything that reviewers say it is but not at all what I wanted it to be. I’m glad I decided not to pay for it. They say this movie was made for the fans. Maybe for the majority but certainly not all of us. The big buzz among fans, other than Downey Jr’s appearance, was that Captain America was to show up here. I knew well ahead of time that that was impossible. Cap would have to still be frozen in ice if Marvel is trying to do this thing step-by-step in a logical direction. So no one should have been surprised by this. I’ve also heard that over an hour of footage was edited out for this theatrical cut to appeal to the masses. Nice job for others, but not me.

The only relation Cap should have to this is that he’s the one and only person that the original, and only successful, version of the Super Soldier Serum worked on. In the Marvel movieverse, Ross and Banner created a version that results in Hulks, Abominations, and Leaders (the villain in the next movie if there is one). Now, is Cap still frozen at this point or unfrozen? Being that the Avengers discovered him in a block of ice (maybe a setup for Namor movie too?) and that seems to be the direction they’re going for, he should be frozen. Not to mention if Cap made an appearance, it would have to be non-speaking and non-showing as to not reveal a voice, an actor, his build, or his costume. If anything, it’d be him frozen in ice wearing his traditional costume and in the upcoming movie, they’d either end it at that specific point or lead it into the Avengers movie and he’d be revived with a new outfit. It would seem that we’ll all have to wait for the dvd with all that cut material to find out the truth of the matter.

Action was fairly decent while dialogue was fairly lacking. I really liked “The Fugitive” feel of the movie’s beginning. All of the acting was on point except for Liv Tyler. She’s hot but has never been on the top of my list (or even on it for that matter) of well-rounded actresses. Her performance aside, the acting was top notch. There was a slip-up in the beginning where Banner got cut in the bottling warehouse where he works in Brazil and his blood fell quite a distance down onto an assembly line of empty bottles. He managed to turn it off and wipe away his blood but not with alcohol or anything. Nor did he check the immediate area where the empty bottles were if there was any other blood spillage. Of course there was.

And the bottle filled up with beverage, got packaged and shipped to the US, and Stan Lee of all people drunk it. He got a nice reaction from the audience for it but in my opinion his appearances are lame and that appeal has long since worn off. For me, it takes away from the authenticity of the movie. And they didn’t show what happened to him. Did he change into something? Who knows? Once again, that cut footage becomes vital. They did some things for tv and comic fans like showing Bill Bixby in an old tv show, playing the music from the old tv show, a purple pants gag, “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry” gag, and Lou Ferrigno making a cameo. Even a scene where Betty and Bruce were gonna fuck and Bruce’s heart rate went up so he stopped himself so he wouldn’t risk turning into the Hulk. Betty didn’t mind. She is white after all. White bitches will do anything. But it ain’t like the Hulk can’t reproduce. He’s got 2 fucking kids!

Banner’s eyes turning green is a nice touch. Showing his homeless and somewhat pathetic lifestyle on the run is also nice. Jacking the Mr. Green and Blue ideas, along with other things, from Bruce Jones’ Hulk wasn’t. Fast-tracking Bruce and Betty’s relationship wasn’t either. If this is a standalone, and she’s got a bf, and her and Bruce just met again, and she knows what he is, are they really gonna kiss and fuck again so soon just like old times? What happened to her bf in all this? He’s just gonna let Bruce stay in his house? It was like he didn’t even know some xbf was sleeping in his bed. During that whole reunion, it was like he didn’t even exist. He only had 2 pointless scenes. What was the purpose of that character?

Also as a standalone, the characters need to be named. A college kid being interviewed on tv news gave Hulk his name, which is acceptable since he’d need one to be referred to for future movies. Leader gave Blonsky his (with real cheesy dialogue) which wasn’t necessary since even in the comics he’s still referred to as Blonsky. I can see if he was a mindless beast, rampaging around like, “I am the Abomination.” But he had full mental capabilities. The name thing was done for the fanboys’ interests. Didn’t work for me but I know why it was done. Gotta sell merchandise.

If Abomination still had mental control, as he should if they’re staying true to the source material, then I think he should’ve put up a better fight. A smarter fight. And he should’ve had more dialogue. Similar to Jeff Bridges in Iron Man for example. They made him sound like a beast and it came across as too comic booky for my taste. He should’ve been able to speak coherently as if he was a person yet still have that throaty, growly voice. I understand the serum that changed him made him lust for more power and a challenging fight. That’s all fine and dandy. But when crunch time hit, the lame one-liners just weren’t doing it for me. And he should’ve gave Hulk a better fight, considering one of his lines in the movie when he was human was along the lines of if he had the skills he had now at age 39 in the body he had 10 years ago, he’d be a soldier you wouldn’t wanna fuck with.

He thoroughly beat the shit out of the Hulk the way they portrayed it. But Hulk prevailed (no surprise there). There was too much romanticizing between Hulk and Betty for my taste. That made the Hulk weak in some spots but gave him strength in others. Enough strength to win. Which makes me wonder what kind of Hulk are they going for here. This Hulk had a more human appearance rather than a lumbering brute like the 1st movie. He could talk this time. He only had 3 lines: “Leave me alone,” “Hulk smash,” and “Betty.” His appearance, emotions, and speaking ability I would say are appropriate due to the fact that Hulk is an extension of Banner’s own personality.

Yet this is where my problem with the movie lies. If this is what they were going for, and even if they weren’t, that’s what the final product actually is, then why was this not more of a psychological movie instead of a romantic, chase, action movie? The former would’ve been much more suitable. This Hulk was too human. That emotional weakness provided him with a thrashing at the Abomination’s hands. If this were the savage, rampaging Hulk, Abomination would most likely be severely injured rather than out of breath and the city would be even more destroyed than it was. They made this Hulk roar out loud for no reason which didn’t fit the psyche of this Hulk. And his attachment to Betty was a bit too much.

At the end, I could’ve seen something along the lines of An American Werewolf in London when the Alex character calmed down David when he was in wolf form right when he cornered her. But it was short-lived and he still attacked her (or tried to). Here, I would’ve liked to have seen an angry, mindless Hulk calmed down by Betty, possibly even changing back into Banner, only for General Ross to provoke him again but Hulk would run away for Betty’s sake. Instead, Betty being in danger gave Hulk that extra motivation to win when he was getting his ass kicked and she stopped him from killing the Abomination. In a huge mistake, Hulk just left him there lying and he jumped away. They never showed that the Army had sufficient containment equipment to keep Blonsky down if he should come to. All Hulk did was choke him out. He should recover fairly quickly. And then what?

At least he should recover quickly. He got kicked by the Hulk when he was still human but injected with the serum before that. Broke every bone in his bod, they said. Not soon after, he was completely healed and in phenomenal shape. So he’s not gonna catch his breath back in no time at all? C’mon. Another prob was the Hulk’s healing factor. I expected his cuts and such to heal rather quickly. Didn’t happen. That would mean that the blood that Banner was trying so hard to keep out of the hands of Ross was pretty much lying all over the college campus field and in the city during battle. Any dog could pass by and lick it up and we’d have gamma poodles again. The movie has its problems just like any other.

I’d still prefer a more psychological movie looking at the relationship between Banner and Hulk. You can still have your action and all that good stuff, but the plot wouldn’t have to be completely dumbed down to appeal to the masses like this thing. The Hulk has many stages of being. Rampaging Hulk destroys anything and everything for no reason other than the fact that he can. I’d recommend reading Thor issue 385 for an example of this, one of my all-time favorite reads. You’ll see the unlimited power that Hulk is capable of; power that was absent from this movie. Another recommended read is Incredible Hulk vol. 2, issue 54 featuring Hulk vs. Abomination. Here, Banner has control of the Hulk body but all the different Hulks still lurk in his subconsciousness. It’s another good example of what Hulk is capable of and his different levels of psyche and physicalities. The provided downloads are .jpg format and high-quality scanned pages from the original books. Password to open them is kow626.

Is there something after the credits? Nope. When the big, green image showing the movies rating popped up (kinda ironic), there was a big sigh of disappointment from the audience. Sorry folks, Downey pitching the Avengers idea to Ross in a bar at the end was all you get. I wonder now what kind of Hulk is gonna appear in the Avengers. A Banner controlled Hulk as teased at the end of this movie? Or is Hulk gonna end up being the enemy in that movie like in the animated Ultimate Avengers? This movie has to show some box office legs and it definitely appeals to the masses with the watered-down violence and fanboy references. But was it good enough for me? Not at all. I’m curious as to what got cut. Is some of that stuff what Norton wanted but didn’t get and made him throw a hissy? The movie was on the short side as some things could’ve been further developed. But I guess the fast pace and simple plot is exactly the formula Marvel wants.

Some people say Hulk is hard to portray in movies. I don’t agree with that at all. The technology exists, albeit expensive. But that’s not what makes or breaks a good movie. People these days have short attention spans and studios feed them simple stories that make for the most profit. Action, explosions, fights, laughs, that’s what makes the big money aside from the cg movies produced by Pixar and DreamWorks. Movies that I like should tickle my brain and have a degree of intellect and originality. Hulk could’ve been a better movie but now I wanna see what got cut and if it indeed would’ve helped make this movie more enjoyable for me. Maybe the dvd will get my cash (doubt it), but not this. I give it a 6.5/10 rating, combining what I like and what I think other people would like. And yes, the cg was very acceptable. Obviously fake in some parts, but nothing that detracts from enjoyment of the movie.

In retrospect, I wish I would’ve taken more cell phone pics to chronicle our night since I was gettin’ away with murder already. I’ll keep it mind for future occasions. If you’ve never hopped 3 movies before, now you know it can be done. Surprisingly, no one said a single word during the Hulk. A packed house for a geek movie and they were quiet. I couldn’t believe it. Did I miss something?