I delayed seeing both of these movies cuz shit kept coming up. I was gonna do a 2 for 1 as I always do which is just one reason why I usually go to the movies alone. I never see a movie the first weekend out or even the second. After about 3 weeks to a month, the crowds die down and it’s a more pleasant viewing experience without all them damn people around. I was willing to see both around week 2 but never got around to it. I was comparing theaters since there’s 3 major ones around me within 1 mile, 2 of which have IMAX and that’s how I knew I wanted to see Inception. The plan was to get into Predators 1st since it’s rated R and then sneak Inception and that’s exactly what I did. I chose AMC CityWalk cuz their showtimes were matching up best. The other options were non-IMAX at Cinemark Festival Bay and Regal Cinemas Pointe Orlando.

I noticed last weekend that Predators was gonna be pulled from theaters that Friday so I made it my mission to make time to see it before that happened. That night came, I got off work, put on some non-attention seeking clothes and my ankle weights, and hoofed it with my bike to the theater cuz I knew this movie trek would be finishing up around 3a and I didn’t wanna have to walk back home with them damn ankle weights on. Plus, it was hot as fuck outside. I stopped by Sonic to grab a bite to eat so I wouldn’t have to pay theater food prices but them bitches charge 20 cents for a cup of water. FURK DAT! I had some food in my stomach and that was good enough for me. I sweated my way to Universal but dammit I made it.

I didn’t cheat either. I walked the whole way and locked up my bike in the taxi/bus area. Went upstairs and you know my first stop was the water fountains. Fuckin’ shit was warm! My washcloth I brought with me was soaked with sweat and my shirt was the same. I know now to wear an undershirt and my headband so that shit don’t happen again if I exercise at night in those temperatures. I wasn’t worried about dehydration at all. I take care of my body and it takes care of me very well. Predators was 10 bucks. I hadn’t been to an AMC theater in a while and I gave the chick my Moviewatcher card but had to ask if they still accepted them. She said yeah and we both got a chuckle out of it. I still don’t like not having to sign for my credit purchases.

Once inside, I hit that bathroom first and foremost to take a good piss and wipe away sweat. I hadn’t realized just how badly soaked my shirt was but nothing I could do about it at that point. Second stop was to find out where Inception was playing and that wasn’t hard to do since the IMAX auditorium is the first one you see when you go up the escalator. I bought my camera and sweater in a little bag. If I was a cammer, there woulda been nothing and no one to stop me from pirating. I got to the Predators auditorium right on time. I timed the shit just right. The joint wasn’t full at all and that’s good. Nor was it cold inside and that’s even better.

I was under the impression that Robert Rodriguez directed this but he simply produced it. Nimrod Antal directed and he did a good job with Vacancy so I at least expected this to be on point in that department and it was. The problem was the script. It sucked. Totally predictable. Nothing new. This might as well have went straight to dvd it was that bad. Adrian Brody’s character’s dialogue wasn’t good either. Too clichéd like almost everyone elses. They used the soundtrack from the original movie and that was a nice treat. They even acknowledged the original in one scene. But that’s where the similarities end cuz the first is one my all-time favorite movies. A cast that big with great, unique characters and they tried to emulate that but fell very short. Considering who produced this, I wasn’t at all surprised to see Danny Trejo in this movie.

The only characters of merit were the ones played by Walter Goggins and Topher Grace. Goggins spoke like real people talk and I noticed him for the first time in that tv show Justice where I was very impressed. Grace’s character reveals his true colors towards the end. There were some twists but nothing other than that one that really stood out. The biggest surprise for me was that other people in the auditorium were surprised when Laurence Fishburne’s character revealed himself. People were gasping and one idiot even said, “Morpheus?” I mean, gimme a fuckin’ break. It ain’t like they didn’t show his face in the trailers. I think his character had the greatest potential since he was a schizo. They coulda went so far overboard with it and that’s what I was waiting for but they didn’t. It was a huge disappointment.

There were some things that were kinda obvious while other things were ignored. Like, motherfuckers gotta eat and drink, right? You’d figure when they’re given those very things that they’d turn into gluttons. Didn’t happen. If technology presents itself that’ll give you an advantage over your enemy, and you know what that tech is, how it works, and where it’s at, would you leave that behind? Fuck no. If you know the motherfuckers that are hunting you can manipulate voices, would you speak loud enough for them to hear you so they can manipulate yours? Again, FUCK no! There was too much that was wrong here. Performances were lackluster and the plot was very weak. This shoulda been a smart movie but it was just another lame action movie with no depth that followed a tired formula.

There were a few cool new Predator designs but that ain’t gonna save a bad script. Come to think of it, Natal coulda brought out more in the characters so I pass some blame on his ass too. They’re talking about a sequel. The theme was strong enough but if they’re gonna do it, it’s gotta be another creative team on board. Thus far, the only good Predator movie (and I’m including the AVP ones in this) has been the original. 5 out of 10 stars for this flick. Don’t waste your time unless you’re a hardcore Predators fan or if you just wanna see Adrian Brody’s new buffed up body. That usually lanky ass murdafurka looks like Gerard Butler’s trainer in 300 got a hold of him.

After that, I just walked right on into Inception like I knew I could. For one, I ain’t payin’ shit if I don’t have to. Two, IMAX is outta my price range. I’m a cheap son of a bitch for those of you who don’t know. But I’m an opportunist first and that’s why I do what I do. Cuz I can and it really is just that simple. It was perfect timing again. Nothing happened after the Predators credits, just so you know. It was after midnight and the theater was just as I wanted it to be: almost empty. I’m split on recommending this movie. On one hand, it’s a good ride. Lots of action, lots of intellectual thought is needed to understand what’s going on, and it was an original story. Nolan said he was inspired by Paprika, which I did see in theaters, and there’s gonna be comparisons but don’t pay attention to any of them. These 2 movies are completely different. Similar concepts with the dream theme but otherwise 2 totally different movies.

I’d recommend this to only those with the capacity for intellect and intelligent thought. If you’re an idiot, then damn near everything in this movie will go flying right past your head like birdshit in the breeze. If you’re an up and coming screenwriter or film student, this movie is recommended for you too as Nolan delivers in the storytelling department. The acting was very good. I haven’t seen a DiCaprio movie since Titanic believe it or not. The guy can act. Ellen Page’s miniature ass looks so awkward in this, especially in the hotel scene where she’s dressed professionally but she played her part well. Best line of the whole movie was “You musn’t be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.” That one’s an instant classic.

This flick isn’t without fault. I don’t care how much money it’s made or how people rate it. For me, there just isn’t enough at stake for me to care about how it ends. I’ve mentioned elsewhere how this is like an 80’s G.I. Joe episode: there are no casualties. No real life and death situations. Nobody loses anything and what was gained wasn’t significant at all. As much action as this shit has, the stakes are incredibly low. You can’t get emotionally vested in any of the characters cuz remember, this movie is about dreams and mostly takes place in them. Always keep that in mind. The theme is that Leo and his team must enter the mind of an heir to an energy company and convince him to split that company up (kinda like what happened with AT&T and the Baby Bells) cuz if he doesn’t, that company could become powerful enough to control more than half of the world’s energy and become a veritable superpower. Sounds cool right? Well, execution just didn’t live up to that synopsis.

We don’t really know Leo’s motivation for doing what he does. We don’t know the significance of the company he originally worked for (I forget the name). We don’t know the true influence that Ken Watanabe’s character holds but apparently it’s enough to get Leo what he wants: amnesty. We don’t know how severe Leo’s crime is. Just that he’s a wanted man but not how wanted he is or who wants him or how bad they want him. We don’t know who funds his operation. We don’t know much for background info on his immediate partner or the forger. Ellen Page (the architect), we know where she’s coming from but she jumps in a little too eagerly. Michael Caine only appears seldom and we don’t know much about his character either. I could go on and on. There’s a lot of tiny little details that were left out. This movie could benefit from some exposition. There’s complaints that the movie is too long. I think the length is just right. Actually, not long enough considering what’s left out. Perhaps the bd/dvd will give us a good 20-40 extra minutes of deleted scenes.

Let’s go back to that G.I. Joe comparison. You know how no one ever gets hit when they’re shot at? Other than one character getting hit, this movie is the same damn way. During the first and third level of dreams, there’s so many shots fired that it’s ridiculous. Only one of the good guys ever gets hit. But the bad guys…do I really gotta tell you? The first dream level scene reminds me so much of that anime Noir. I remember seeing some episodes of it at an old anime viewing club I used to go to. The 2 chicks were surrounded by bad guys on all sides. And guess what? They took ‘em all out and didn’t even get grazed by a fucking bullet. Same shit happened here. Yeah, it’s a dream but fuck that shit. More motherfuckers shoulda caught a cap with that many damn bullets flying all over the damn place.

A nice touch that I’d like to see more of happened in that very same first level dream. With all that noise and action and car wrecks and yelling and broken glass and bullets and screeching tires…amidst all that, there was no music playing. Hans Zimmers’ excellent soundtrack took a break during that scene and I like that shit. Let the sound effects department get some clout for a change. No doubt the effects were heightened by the IMAX sound system but come awards time, those guys deserve some props for that shit. They did an excellent job and good move by Nolan for excluding that shit, too. I’d love to see more movies use that technique.

The special effects? I ain’t even gotta say how those were. You already know. It was very impressive but I could see through the techniques used to accomplish some of those complicated scenes. I’ll bet those required lots of specialized training. I failed to mention that sitting behind me were what sounded like some college-aged guys who were creaming over the movie. One of ‘em was all hyped up cuz he was seeing the movie in IMAX for what had to be his first time. His cherry musta got popped pretty damn good cuz when the movie was over, he was still creaming. Hey, we all have our firsts.

I give this movie 7 out of 10 stars cuz everything is good except for the emotional detachment. Obviously I didn’t pay for it but I’ve already explained who I think should see this movie. It’s not one of those movies that spells shit out for you. You gotta use your brain to follow it. The story is good in an original universe with original concepts. The acting is on point along with the music, sound, and special effects. The theme is good but not well executed. The plot has a lot going on. It’s the depth of the characters that’s lacking. Who they are isn’t given as much attention as the deep, diverse, and complex plot. It’s gonna be 50/50 for me on this one as far as recommending you pay for it or not. You’ll get taken for a good ride but at the end you’ll realize the ride coulda been so much more. Speaking of the end, nothing happens after the credits.

I went and took another good piss cuz the fountains in the theater had cold water and I took that pit stop before going in to see Inception. The place was empty except for employees. Outside, CityWalk was dead as shit. Just security guards getting an easy paycheck. Went back to get on my back and bounce but it was gone. I was like, “You gotta be fuckin’ kiddin’ me! Somebody jacked my shit?” Turns out security clipped my lock and confiscated my shit cuz I parked it in the wrong area. You park bikes in the employee area on the first floor of the parking garage. How the fuck is anyone supposed to know that shit? They apologized but that don’t help me get a new bike lock. That’s money I gotta spend now. Remember, I’m cheap!

I was wearing black pants and a white shirt so they thought I worked there and shit and I can understand why considering how late it was. The security guard who guided me to where my bike was asked me where I was coming from. I told him I came from seeing Inception. He asked if I saw it in IMAX and how the movie was. I summarily told him what I just told all of you. I was a bit confused by one scene at the end but I figured it out. It’s a scene that happens at the beginning but is revisited so you gotta pay attention. Where they fucked up is that they didn’t age Leo’s character enough. You’ll see what I mean. It’s one of the few fuckups in the movie. They age him in one scene but not another. Just keep your eyes open and you’ll see what I mean. So now you gotta make a decision on if you still wanna see this movie, how and where you wanna see it, and how much you wanna spend on it. I’ve given you all the ammo you need. Now it’s up to you to aim and fire. Hopefully you can hit more than one target unlike the shooters in this movie.

Let’s start with Extraordinary Measures. I saw a prescreen last week at AMC Altamonte. Had 2 tix but no one else was available to go with me so I flew solo. Thankfully, it was relatively warm outside compared to the freezing cold over the last few weeks. I didn’t eat beforehand but wanted to at least get some popcorn before going into the auditorium. That plan was killed cuz the line was long as fuck. It was getting cramped inside so they opened the doors and the line flowed out damn near into the street according to a comment I heard someone say. Since I was by myself, I ain’t wanna risk losing my spot to go grab a bite. I thought I’d be able to play at least one arcade game too. Even brought some quarters with me. I got there a tad early but that line was what it was and only got longer. After about 30-45 minutes of waiting, they started letting people in.

They kept hollering about no recording equipment being allowed in (duh) and no cell phones being on. If they saw the light from it or caught you on it, they’d boot you out. Since I was surfing the whole time I was in line, I thought I’d be able to surf inside but that wasn’t gonna happen. I just put my shit on silent and chilled till the movie started. Place got packed up pretty quick. I sat all the way at the top. Obese chick to my left, decent older broad to my right who I was conversing with on occasion. She was with a guy but when he was gone to get food and drinks, that’s when she was talkative. Plus she initiated the convo. Digits? Nah, I ain’t bother. The attendant said they had to turn people away cuz the auditorium was maxed out. Usually they open up another but looks like that wasn’t going down this time. They warned about cell phones again so I just turned my shit off. Cat said for movies like this with big names, you gotta arrive early if you want a seat. Lots of couples got separated and had to sit wherever a single seat was available. Bet that sucked for them.

The movie itself really wasn’t bad at all. It’s not a tearjerker. It’s a drama through and through with some well placed laughs that made it more authentic and enjoyable. No special effects of any kind. Just strictly acting and plot with minimal twists. Minimal meaning they aren’t so hardcore that you’re shocked and surprised but when they happen, they’re well placed and make sense. Looks like this is based on a book too but I forgot the title and author. They did show it in the beginning credits. Brendan Fraser’s acting was about what you can expect. Yet it matched the tone of the rest of the flick. Nor was he in the best shape he’s ever been in. He’s got a little potbelly that’s clearly visible along with some extra chin. Old ass Harrison Ford’s in better shape than him.

If you’re a sci-fi fan, you’ll get a couple treats here. Jared Harris from Fringe does a horrible American accent as a corporate exec. And Courtney Vance from FlashForward plays the parent of a pompe kid. Never heard of pompe disease till seeing this movie. Like many inherited diseases, my proposal is to just stop the gene. If you know you’re genetically predispositioned to produce certain negative traits when having kids, then don’t have any. Harrison Ford does a lot of yelling here but his rational, human side always shines through. The movie title basically describes what Fraser is willing to do to save his and other kids with the disease. It’s emotional and shows what the human spirit is capable of when confronted with adversity. Some people just give up. This movie shows what can happen when you don’t and I like that message cuz I promote it whenever possible. It’s a very positive movie. Good for families. Not at all unrealistic.

Since you don’t get much bang for your buck, I wouldn’t recommend paying for it unless you got nothing better to do cuz, really, it has the production values of a tv movie. It is CBS Films after all. It’s not a bad movie but you’re better off waiting on dvd or for it to broadcast on HBO or regular tv which is where it’ll end up eventually. Anyone could’ve played the roles in this movie and the script and directing isn’t spectacular but since they went with big name actors, that’s about the only reason it got released in theaters. I give it 6.5 out of 10 stars. Not bad at all, worth seeing, but not worth going out of your way to see. If you manage to catch it, then hey, good for you. You won’t be disappointed.

I’ve had Feast on my hard drive for months now. My homeboy came over and we worked out together. After getting pumped and sore, we figured we’d watch a flick. I chose Feast on a whim. I’ll say right up front, I’m giving the first part 8 out of 10 stars. That is one god damn good movie! Shoulda been released in more theaters. Probably woulda made a good chunk of change considering how much it cost. I did see the Project Greenlight series when they chose  John Gulager and the writing team for Feast. Just took me a while to join the party. But I finally did and I’m not completely disappointed. You’ll know what I mean later.

I got no complaints about the first part. It’s gory, very well written, unique direction, insanely hysterical dialogue, and good characterization. Best line of the movie? When Boss Man said, ”They like food that moves.” So fucking funny for reasons that you have to watch the movie to appreciate. There’s other familiar faces here. Treach from Naughty By Nature. Eric Dane from Grey’s Anatomy. And Krista Allen who I remember best from What About Brian. Eric Dane’s character’s death scene was beyond funny. Without a doubt, this series falls into the horror comedy genre. So many absurdities yet a lot of it is realistic. It doesn’t just go with the expected flow. There’s curveballs galore. Things you expect a character to do, in many cases, they do it. Shit that happens in reality but doesn’t happen in most movies does happen here. And the pacing and direction, it’s just really, really good. I very highly recommend this movie to anyone who likes being entertained cuz this movie does just that in every aspect.

Why’d I knock 2 points off? Some of it was too absurd to the point of being ridiculous. Like one of the creatures humping a stuffed dear head and another face fucking what was thought to be a corpse. It’ll all make sense when you see it. It can be a bit much. There’s lots of excess but it’s these things that make the movie unique and stand on its own. It can’t be compared to anything. Feast is an original movie and that can’t be said much these days. From beginning all the way to the very end, it’s a damn good movie. You don’t know who’s gonna live or die. You don’t know when or where a monster will appear and it keeps you guessing and those are all good things for a movie to have.

It was still early so we peeped the 2nd movie. Feast II: Sloppy Seconds starts out totally different from the first part. The tone is much more comedic and even more absurd. And gore? Shit, motherfucker, you better have a strong as hell stomach to peep this shit! And I ain’t kidding you, either! When the hardcore shit started, I had to stop eating. There was no way for me to continue watching this movie and eat at the same time. It’s just not possible. It picks up where the second part left off. Some characters survived the assault from the creatures in the previous movie and the main plot point here is a female biker gang leader is looking for one of them who killed a gang member in the first part. Her acting wasn’t great but her dialogue was.

I honestly didn’t think Gulager had anything to do with this cuz the tone was so different. I didn’t know what the fuck to expect. When things picked up, they stayed up. There’s more gore to the point of it being gross. Like in the very beginning with the midgets. The sex scene is funny but when the monsters start attacking, the sight gags just make you start crying laughing. This movie does have nudity just so you know. Best line of the movie? When one of the midgets said, “Monsters don’t eat where they shit.” Best scene of the movie? Without giving too much away, a very tense scene is when a baby starts crying. You don’t know if it’s a monster baby or not. You don’t know what’ll happen when it’s rescued. You don’t know what’ll happen during the scene when it’s tossed into the air. I won’t say anything else to ruin that moment.

Yes, it is a moment. One of those movie moments that you’ll never forget cuz it’s never, ever been done in any movie before it. You WILL remember it, I can guarantee that. Nothing is immune to abuse in this movie. Children, animals, people, it don’t matter. There’s one other scene that tops all the others. The baby scene is unforgettable. When they dissect one of the creatures, I’m telling you right now, DO NOT eat before you see this movie unless you have a VERY strong stomach! It’s one of the grossest scenes I’ve ever seen in any movie, ever! I even made a comment to my friend that it reminds me of German puke and bukkake porn. So that right there gives you an indication of what to expect. You’ve been warned!

The only surprise face here is Carl Anthony Payne II’s appearance as a used car salesman. I love the Martin tv show and he was a huge part of that so it was good to see him again. I’d say the biggest challenge for this movie was that it occurs mostly in the daytime. Kinda hard to scare people like that but this is much more comedic than scary. Honey Pie, a holdover character from the first part, is important to the ending of the movie. You’d think this was the end of the Feast series the way it ended but it’s not. Can’t give anything away but the previously mentioned disappointment comes from the fate of Honey Pie’s character. Sometimes, you gotta let people live, you know?

I give this movie 7 out of 10 stars. There’s just so many humorous scenes, and a lot of them are absolutely ridiculous, but all appropriate and well placed. Like the dialogue from the grandmother whose body was liquefying. You’ll see. It only gets one point less than the first part because, hey, the first part is the benchmark. Kinda hard to top a movie like that but this one is almost equally highly recommended. It’s a totally different style but it stands on its own as unique and original with shit happening that’s never happened before in any movie before it.

We peeped the 3rd part the next night. Feast III: The Happy Finish continues directly from where the last one ended. It’s like they were filmed simultaneously. Had to be. Honey Pie’s final fate is decided in the very beginning and we’re treated to a very nice shitting scene that’s quite literally right in your face. Best line of the movie? There’s 2. One is during an argument where a female gang member said, “Bitch, I will fuck you up!” It ain’t what she said, it’s how she said it. Awesome shit! The other is when a new character is introduced. He said, “I got the gift, faggots!” You’ll see what he’s referring to when you see this. This movie would be just like the 2nd part with more absurdities and new characters that add to that mix.

It’s a continuation through and through but some scenes tend to drag out, like when they were in the sewer. Some made little sense,  like the mutated humans. It got to the point where it was almost directionless cuz shit was happening that didn’t lend much to story progression and it’s the same creative team who did the first 2. You expect a certain level of quality. The beginning and middle of the movie are what they should be. The end is where everything starts going to hell. From the survivors fighting their way out of the mutant herd, to biting away at one of the monsters as if they were monsters themselves, to the worst ending of any movie I’ve ever seen. Yes, I said it, THE WORST ENDING TO ANY MOVIE I’VE EVER SEEN! The ending just makes everything else that happens prior seem meaningless. You forget about all the humor and other good stuff cuz it’s just that bad.

It’s almost like they ran out of ideas and just put some shit together for the sake of completeness. A better ending woulda been the monster at the end being benevolent and it did seem that way. And then they coulda went out into the city safe zone where they were trying to get to and proceeded with the plot. Not the pure garbage that was given to us. I don’t know what the hell anyone involved with the ending of this movie was thinking. No one spoke up or said anything? No one told the writers that this shit was stupid? Did them or Gulager really have something to do with this? It just makes not one shred of sense in comparison to EVERYTHING that came before it. I don’t get it. Oh yeah, there’s nudity in this flick too. One of the biker chicks bites the big one and you’re treated to some really good, close-up tit shots. She has some good hard nipples on her. You’ll enjoy staring at them.

From Feast I all the way to the middle of Feast III, you’ll be completely and totally entertained. But the last act in Feast III, I don’t know, man. I don’t know what the fuck happened there. I’m purposely not saying what happened cuz if you haven’t seen these flicks yet, you need to. Despite the horrible (not happy) finish, I’d recommend getting all of these as a set on dvd/bd. They’re all worth paying for and all worth watching back to back to back. I got the dvdrips online. All were good quality. Enjoy the first part, don’t eat when watching the second one, and be prepared for the shitty finish to the 3rd. They’re even considering a fourth part. After the fiasco with part 3’s climax, please don’t do it unless you plan on exploring the origins of the creatures. Feast III gets 4 out of 10 stars. Woulda got 6 but the ending really is that bad.